I can’t believe it. Last night’s finale was so amazing. I can’t wait to find out who Amanda’s mother is and I can’t believe that the fake Amanda is totally pregnant with Jack’s baby! Oh, we’re not talking about the Revenge finale? Well, it was still amazing. I know that we’ve seen boys with guitars win the past like 90 years, but that Phillip Phillips really deserved it. I voted for him! Oh, we’re not talking about the American Idol finale? Then why the hell are we even here? Were there even any other finales last night?
Oh, that’s the last episode of Don’t Trust the Beast in Department 23 that we’re going to see until the fall? God, sorry. That’s the last episode of Don’t Trust the B in Apartment 23 we’re going to see until fall? It seemed just a few short weeks ago that we were watching it on Hulu before it was on the air. Now, here we are, at the end of our relationship. Gotta say, I don’t trust her, but I’m sure gonna miss her.
The B’s last showing didn’t really seem like a finale, just another episode of the funny, wacky, quirky-not-like-stupid-Ally-McBeal-quirky-but-quirky-like-dark-like-teen-pregnancy-jokes-quirky sitcom. June, the erstwhile roommate of namesake “the B word that shall not be spoken” Chloe, finally feels like she’s a cool kid because she has been welcomed into Chloe’s inner circle. That is until she boozes so much that she ends up in the hospital getting her stomach pumped. Who hasn’t been there before, right, sister? Right? Right?! Oh, whatever. Then while drinking sake bombs at a Benihana ripoff, we find out that Chloe is famous in Japan as “Shitagi Nashi” the “tall slut with no panties.”
Of course Chloe, the second coming of Parker Posey’s Party Girl, has a anime comic book that shows her as a tall slut with no panties who goes to parties and basically takes over the world with her insanity. Chloe pretends like she’s too cool to know about it, but she really keeps each issue below the floorboards in plastic wrap. June, while still trying to hang out with Chloe even though she can’t drink (and Chloe foisting her off on a number of different friends) meets the guy who draws the Tall Slut No Panties comic who falls a bit in love with her and draws a Strong Bowling Girl Talks A Lot comic based on June. Chloe is pissed. Man, this all sounds so boring when I just tell you. There are jokes. Jokes that are funny. The whole episode is funny. How do I make this funny? A tap routine? How about a tap routine?!
[Does tap routine]
Pant, pant, jazzhands. So, funny? No. It’s hard to type a tap routine too. In the end Chloe and June become friends and it’s all happy and wonderful again. I know I’m evil, but I like their relationship best when Chloe is still a little mean to June. They’re much better as adversaries than friends. Or better yet allies against a common evil. Maybe that’s what season two needs, an evil landlord who they are fighting against together. Free suggestion for you, series creator Nahnatchka Khan. (Psst. Call my agent before you start writing Season 2. I work cheap.)
This is still not funny, is it? Well, let me tell you about the B story (no, not the “b***h” story, this is what they call the other story in a sitcom, but I guess these are all B stories, right?) where James Van Der Beek (who I once performed with in a regional production of Anything Goes and there was a tap number) goes on Dancing with the Stars and he gets mad at his gayssistant Luther for not picking the biggest dressing room. That room goes to Dean Cain. James goes to Cain’s room to confront him and says, “Hello, Dean, how have you been?”
Dean circles around him, curious but alert, checking James up and down, noticing how fit he looks in his tight T-shirt. “I’m doing well. Just hanging out here in my dressing room.” He puts his hands in his pockets, his hand nudging the package that is protruding from his dark jeans. “You’re certainly looking good, Dawson,” Dean says.
“Um, thanks,” James replies. “You’re looking good too. Maybe a little beefier than your Superman days.”
“I know, I’ve really been hitting the gym hard. Feel,” he says, taking a step closer to James so his body is just inches away and his flexed bicep right in front of his face. “Go on. Feel.”
“Oh, no. I…I…I…couldn’t,” James says getting flustered and trying to back away but his feet are planted still.
“Don’t be a p***y. Touch it.”
James grabs hold and it takes both of his hands to wrap around the solid melon shaped muscle of Dean’s arm. He’s at once jealous and aroused. He doesn’t know this feeling that’s overcoming him, but it’s like a smooth lightning running through his body when he realizes that he’s been holding onto Dean’s arm for far longer than is comfortable. He looks up at Dean and their eyes lock, not as competitors, but as something else. As something that is both rough and tender at the same time. And Dean grabs James by the small of his back and clutches him close, planting a firm kiss on his mouth. James initially falls back, not wanting to be subsumed by this strange feeling that is coming over him in another man’s dressing room, but he gives in, pushing his mouth on Dean’s just as hard, their stubble chafing on each other as their masculine embrace intensifies. Dean grabs him from behind the buttocks and thrusts his crotch into James, rubbing their bulges together before Dean lifts James up and places him on the couch with a rough gesture that says, “I am going to take you right here backstage at Dancing with the Stars.”
Haha. Sorry. That didn’t happen. Whoo! Sorry to get all 50 Shades of Gay on you right there. I got a little carried away there. Anyway there was something with Dean Cain and James and Luther and a dressing room and James loves Luther by the end (no, not like that) and everyone is happy.
So, that’s it. The finale. Did you laugh yet? Come on? Do I have to do another tap routine? Should I take off my panties? What?!
Oh, screw you.
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan