‘Don’t Trust the B—- in Apt. 23’ Recap: Create Your Own Bender

ALTDawson is depressed. He’s falling into a depression deeper than the day he had an identity crisis and ripped all the Spielberg posters off his walls. He can’t get the image of his failed Dancing With the Stars performance out of his head. There’s only one way to cure his pain. And it’s a bender in East Hampton.

So, Chloe scares June into thinking there’s some sort of natural disaster and she goes running out of the apartment in a dress made of tin foil and straight into a luxury SUV. The Luxury SUV that she soon finds out will be driving her to the Hamptons. See, June doesn’t want to leave her bed because she’s worried she’ll miss a call from a company about a job interview. But then Chloe reminds her that’s what makes cell phones so gosh darn amazing – you can get a call from anywhere! So June concedes and on they go to start their benders.

Dawson’s getting drunk. His DWTSPTSD (Dancing With the Stars Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) is getting out of control and he literally can’t stop drinking 64-calories lo-cal beers. June has the gang stop at every farmer’s market and goat-milking station (?!) on the way up and boy is she having a blast. This is what her bender means, she thinks. But oh is she mistaken.

They finally arrive at Chloe’s “crazy slutty” friend’s house, only to find out that she is far from raging form. She’s got new twins, for Christ’s sake. And not the new boob job twins Chloe had thought. “We’re all just one small hole in the condom away before our lives are destroyed,” the B ponders. But is this going to put a damper on their bender? Hell no.

June wanders over to a dusty mom-and-pop shop searching for some local jams or something when an Ashton Kutcher-like creature pops out from behind an aisle and introduces himself. “I’m Willoughby,” the sir says. June recognizes that this must be the Willoughby who throws all the Hamptons rave parties and is more than thrilled when he hands her an invitation to his soiree of the evening.

Chloe slips into a tight red number, while June borrows the friend’s dress with a convenient pill pocket, and they head to town. They can’t find Dawson because he is walking aimlessly with beer in hand reflecting on all his failures. He’ll catch up with them later. At the party, Chloe can’t wait to find out who Willoughby is so she can bang him once and for all. But when he finally reveals himself as Ashton Kutcher a former fat guy who still swims with his T-shirt on Chloe shouts that he’s her husband?!?!

Yes, it’s true. Back in ’05 when sh*t was cray, Chloe and Willoughby were at a wedding party and decided to get hitched. Why not? He’s hot, she’s hot, they were both drunk. It was perfect. Chloe later read that some tall, skinny man was hit by a car and so she just assumed that she was a widow now. But clearly that was not the case. It is time for them to leave. But wait…

Now, Dawson is wasted. He trips into the bushes and ends up in a backyard where Coffee Shop Guy is. It makes total sense. They both head to the basketball court and start shooting around, spilling their secrets. CSG is all verklempt about his unrequited feelings for June and Dawson, well, he’s just bummed he’ll never get the chance to make up for his DWTS embarrassment. So, the two head over to Willoughby’s to face their fears. A circle forms around them on the dance floor as they deliver a perfect score performance. The performance Dawson had planned for DWTS. CSG then attempts to reveal his love for June, but he literally can’t get the words out. He is beyond his bender.

The crew all leaves together, but not before Chloe gets a quickie in with her annual fling Lenny Kravitz, and begins their journey back to the house. June checks her voicemail letting her know that she has an interview first thing in the morning, so she hops back in the SUV and heads home. And guess what? She gets the job! She’s so pumped she drives back up the Hamptons after her interview, scones in hand, and celebrates with her posse. And for the first time, we leave our friends on a happy note.

[Image Credit: ABC]

Follow Anna on Twitter @thebrandedgirl


‘Apt. 23’ Recap: Falling Down the Lie Hole

Apt. 23′ Recap: Dawson Leery Is Sexiest Man Alive?!

‘Apt. 23’ Recap: What Dawson Leery Fears

From Our Partners:

Jack Reacher’Jack Reacher’: The Beginner’s Guide To The New Tom Cruise Movie

Les Mis Anne Hathaway’Les Miserables’ Unscripted: Hugh Jackman, Anne Hathaway On Singing And Being Modest