Emmys Idle Threats: Give Bill Hader an Emmy or I’ll Sic DJ Baby Bok Choy On You


Bill HaderTelevision fans are a unique set. We’re the type of people who devote hours upon hours a week to our fictional, televised friends. We laugh at their jokes and cry when they cry because our favorite shows are just so darn good. But the intensity of the laughter and the tears is all thanks to the fact that we regard these characters as something of a family. We know them. We understand them. We love them unconditionally. And actors deserve recognition for being able to elicit that level of a reaction from their fans. Naturally, when they’re not given their due, we’re forced to react, well, emotionally. How, exactly, will we react? That depends on the actor in question. Next up is Saturday Night Live‘s most valuable player: Bill Hader.

Notice how I didn’t say Kristen Wiig? Yes, the actress formerly known as Gilly might be the sketch comedy show’s biggest breakout since Tina Fey, but there’s only one player that makes us laugh until we turn white like an albino who looks like Susan Powter. And that’s Hader, the man who introduced us to characters like Vinny Vedecci, Greg the Alien, and, of course, Stefon

The comedian has played his SNL stint well — unlike other stars of the sketch comedy show who wear out their camera-hogging welcome faster than you could say “Mango,” Hader’s SNL stardom has been a slow burn. Though he first captured our attention seven seasons ago with his scarily accurate Vincent Price impression, Hader has managed to shine in the background while buzzier players like Wiig or Andy Samberg grabbed the spotlight and the headlines. Hader built himself up as the reliable cast member — the go-to player for all your impression needs (hello James Carville, Alan Alda, and my personal favorite, Keith Morrison), the comedian who would shine life into even the most cringe-worthy sketch (see: Any of “The Californians”), the actor willing to play the straight main while other cast members yukked it up for the audience. (And look no further than last season’s “Who’s On Top” to see that Hader can still get laughs in that role.)
And then, strangely enough — despite being a welcome presence on both Saturday nights and the big screen (thanks to memorable bit roles in films like Superbad, Tropic Thunder, and Pineapple Express) — Hader officially became an SNL star courtesy of a long-forgotten character from a long-forgotten 2008 sketch. Two years after Hader first played Ben Affleck‘s disturbed screenwriting brother, Stefon, the character reemerged on Weekend Update and became the hottest thing since New York’s hottest club, Trash. He. Had. Everything. Midget puns, a life more bananas than Charlie Sheen’s brain, and the ability to make the stoic consummate professional Hader laugh at his own jokes. (Or, should we say, SNL writer John Mulaney‘s jokes, which were often changed last-minute in an attempt to trip up Hader during the live show.) The character has become so popular, even those fully aware of SNL‘s past at the multiplex (remember It’s Pat? We’d like to forget about it too) were clamoring for a Stefon movie.
But there’s a good chance Hader would never agree to it. Not only because that movie was already made in 2000 when it was called Requiem for a Dream, but because it’s difficult imagine that Hader would prefer to change his status from small-screen comedy hero to big-screen sell-out, regardless of the green temptation. And that’s exactly what makes him so damn appealing — the man is a true artist. So much so, that the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences anointed him with the honor of becoming only the second male cast SNL cast member nominated for an Emmy. (Comedy superstar Eddie Murphy was the first back in 1983.) Cue my reaction to the Emmy news:


Now, I’m realistic. I’m fully aware of the way the Academy works. I realize that Hader should consider the nomination itself a win, an acknowledgment of hard work well done that will still be deemed less worthy than performances by the entire Modern Family cast. But, please, Emmy voters. Give Hader his due. Because, if you don’t, I’ll sic DJ Baby Bok Choy on you. 

Not only that, but while he distracts you with his little ravioli hands, I’ll head over to a dingy East Village basement where I’ll form my party army. That’s right — I’ll call up a man and dog who served time for Cookie Crisp thievery, a Renaissance Fair king holding a half-eaten turkey bone, and an emotionally scarred grandmother shaking her head over an H&M ad. Then, after imbibing a considerable amount of moonshine made in a bathtub by a William Taft impersonator, we’ll prank call that fast-talking guy from the FedEx commercials and Gunther from Friends. From there, we’ll go to New York’s hottest club, Smash, where party-goers can wear several layers of scarves and talk to a straight bartender who knows far too much about Marilyn Monroe. And after we’ve eaten the club offering of peanuts and the last Junior Mint in the pack that gets stuck to the bottom of the box, we’ll come to your house and knock, knock, who’s there? Black Uncle Sam! Telling you that he wants you to give Bill Hader a much-deserved Emmy.  
So, please, make it happen, will you?
[Image Credit: NBC]