Everything I Learned in Life I Learned from ‘Game of Thrones’

It is always your subordinates that are going to get you out of trouble. Just when things are the direst there is the slave girl who will screw the palace invader so that she can sneak you out the back door. When someone is going to kill you, there is your handmaid to tell you about a back door. Just after you get sliced across the face in battle, your page is there to run the offender through with a sword. Even Tywin Lanister was nice to Arya, which is probably the only thing that kept her from killing him (too bad she didn’t spare the guards). Just don’t be too nice to the help. Cersei slept with her protector and that got her nothing but betrayed. Friendships are fine, but know where the boundaries are.

Always Talk During Sex

Getting laid is great, but no one wants a limp noodle lying there in bed. If you can’t talk about the plot your about to hatch, the political structure of the capital city, or just how you’re going to storm that castle, then you are knocking boots incorrectly. You should at least talk dirty. Tell them what they’re doing and how it’s wrong. Good sex comes from great communication, even if one party is only communicating with the audience at home.

Girls Who Dress Like Boys Are Awesome

You thought Arya Stark was cool when she was learning how to fight, but how about when she’s running from the evil Lannisters dressed as a boy and infiltrating their inner circle as Tywin’s cup bearer. Absolute genius. And let’s not forget Brienne of Tarth, who is the only female knight in the land and a fierce defender of whichever royal she may be in charge of at any minute. Theon Greyjoy’s sister may not dress like a man, but she is in control like one, and she’s the only member of the family I could spend more than a day on a ship with. Sure there are some great female characters on the show (Arya’s mother and Brienne’s lady Catelyn Stark for one) but the best are the ladies who are doing it for themselves, and showing the men just how it’s done.

Dragons Cook Their Own Meat

It’s like they have a little hibachi in their mouths. Who knew?

Always Wear a Hat

The only reason I learned this is because Jon Snow and the other “crows” of the night’s watch are too stupid to ever wear hats, or even hoods. They’re supposed to be experts of the cold weather north of the wall and they never wear anything on their heads. The “wildlings,” who the crows think are stupid, know better. Hell, even I know better and I’m just from Wallingford, Connecticut, not the actual Wall. You’re gonna lose an ear to frostbite without some protection. They’re lugging around their body weight in black furs, can’t they spare a little extra for something around the face?

There’s a Reason Incest Is Illegal

And it’s name is Joffrey Baratheon. God, that awful twit was born without a freaking soul. He’s just an evil, awful, horrible human being. He’s the one person on the show who is just thoroughly evil. There are no mitigating circumstances or moral relativity, he is just a psychopath who deserves getting hit in the face with horse shit and every other awful thing that happens to him. It’s because his father is also his uncle. It’s got to be, right?

Never Trust a Redhead

While blond hair is the mark of the Lannisters and their incestuous dalliance, the red hair is the mark of something else entirely. First of all we have Melisandre, the witch priestess who queefs clouds of murderous darkness. Then there is Catelyn Stark, who won’t listen to what anyone says and makes crazy decisions about releasing Jamie Lannister on a whim. And there’s her daughter Sansa, who is pretty fierce (also pretty and fierce), but is lying to Joffrey’s face to stay alive. Oh, and let’s not forget about Catelyn’s crazy sister who lives in the Aerie and breast feeds her eight-year-old like she’s on the cover of Time or John Snow’s girlfriend for Downton Abbey who was all “let’s get naked in the snow” only to have her tribesmen take him captive. All the redheads are totally nuts.

Run!

Whenever s**t is going down, get the hell out of there. Take off, do not look back, do not return to help out other people or pick up something you left. If you have the opportunity to flee, take it! There is no dishonor in living to fight another day. If you don’t, you’ll end up like Ned Stark. No one wants their shoulders to be lonesome for their head.

Winter Is Coming

Don’t think about it practically, think about it existentially. Winter is always coming. Even in these early days of summer, the darkness and cold is approaching. Nefarious actions are taking place and doom is upon us. Even that final winter, the one of icy death, is coming, somewhere down the road probably sooner than you can imagine. It will be here in a flash, so drink that Dornish wine while you can. Sleep with the whores and do battle. Watch all the TV you want and live life like you’re never going to see another gold coin ever again. Winter is coming, just around the corner, so dance with maidens fair and plentiful. Then grab yourself a sweater.

Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan

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