One of the worst things about the summer (yes, there is a downside to months of sunshine, beaching, grilling, and outdoor musical festivals besides getting sand all over everything you’ve ever owned) is the loss of most of our favorite TV series. We have the pleasure of enjoying some of our favorite shows like Louie and True Blood, but the pain of enduring three straight months of lingering cliffhangers is a great (completely self-inflicted) burden to bear. But let’s stay positive. We’ve enjoyed a lot of great (and questionable) television since the start of the fall season, so it’s only fair that we dole out some positive recognition, right? What better way to honor our favorite shows than to make up completely unrealistic awards and figuratively hand them out on the Internet? There is no better way, obviously.
Best Defense Against a Vicious Woof
Winner: Zooey Deschanel on New Girl
Jess’ brilliant plan to defend herself and Nick from the desert wolf (or woof, depending on your dialect) during New Girl’s season finale was one of the finest moments of the season. Between Jess mimicking the famed cartoon Roadrunner while Nick tried in vain to hold her back (meep MEEP!) and her final victory, shrouded in a fur hood, crawling on all fours, and screeching like a howler monkey, even the most staunch Zooey Deschanel haters had to giggle a bit. —Kelsea Stahler
Best Worst Character Ever
Winner: King Joffrey on Game of Thrones
Who else would be terrible enough to start a blood bath over a starving peasant’s aptly aimed cowpie fastball? No one other than Joffrey, that’s who. Game of Thrones’ sniveling brat king is arguably absolutely the worst human on television. His presence is always insufferable, but we wouldn’t give him up for the last three baby dragons known to man. Why? Because how else are we supposed to get such thorough enjoyment out of watching Tyrion slap his nephew every few episodes? —Kelsea Stahler
Most Insufferable Absence of a Shirt
Winner: Adam Driver on Girls
Sunday nights on HBO are a veritable landscape of no shirts. (Apparently, the object of winning Game of Thrones is to have the least amount of clothes possible.) And while Girls‘ Adam Driver doesn’t have a bad physique by any means, his character’s constant shirtlessness is simply an uncensored reminder that he’s an insufferable guy. Not only can this guy not be bothered to text his conquests back (or at least send his sexts to the right person), but he can’t be bothered to put on a shirt? The Douchebag Emperor has no clothes. —Aly Semigran
Best Line of Dialogue to Repeat Excessively
Winner: Tracy Morgan on 30 Rock
Sorry, “Ham”! You’ve been replaced. We are fully aware that we, like Tracy Jordan, are going to hell for signing all our future birthday invitations, “Give To Charity? Please No! PRESENTS!” —Kate Ward
Best Thawing of an Ice Queen
Winner: Aubrey Plaza on Parks and Recreation
As far as April Ludgate is concerned, April Ludgate hates everybody. But Season 4 of Parks and Recreation proved that the seemingly cold-hearted, unsympathetic young Pawnee citizen cares a lot more for those around her than she lets on. As funny as the traditional stylings of April’s apathy have been since the pilot, it was refreshing to see some unexpected growth in one of the show’s best characters. —Michael Arbeiter
