‘Football Wives’ Recap: He Could Go All The Way

S1:E3 This week’s Football Wives was yet another exercise in mediocrity. Deion and Pilar Sanders make their obligatory appearances on the show, the other ladies have more inane discussions while sipping cocktails or lounging on the beach, Dawn and Chanita cry, and the whole experience feels more stale than a three year old box of Wheat Thins. That’s it. That’s all that happened. Riveting stuff.

Now I know I can’t get away with that one-sentence synopsis, so I’ll provide a bit more detail. First, Pilar invites the ladies to her home – well, her back yard anyway – where she and Deion run their own rigorous fitness program. She extends the invitation to have the other football wives to join her “boot camp” workout in 100 degree weather. Commence the screaming, crying and whining. My ears are still bleeding. Of course, loudmouth Chanita is complaining the hardest, yelling about how she’s an athlete but yet she still can’t handle it. The ladies are all pissed, of course Pilar’s gracious invitation is all about her in reality. She just wants to out-fitness them. They all are pissed; of course she doesn’t show up when they invite her somewhere, but she invites them over and essentially kicks their asses.

Afterward, they all go to the salon to relax. Of course, Pilar doesn’t show up and nobody’s heard from her. No surprise there. Chanita is still waiting on another call about George’s fate and potential for being called up to the big leagues. Of course this brings up emotions about the dangers of pro football. Dawn chimes in about her husband’s old teammate in Buffalo who almost died on the field. This triggers Melani’s emotions and she starts crying; her husband was injured on the field recently and so now she’s freaking out that it may happen again. It’s more than just a game, they see it as their husbands putting their lives on the line and “making sacrifices,” and the money doesn’t make up for it. Are they seriously trudging up real issues? For real? I did not sign up for this, VH1. I get that the game is dangerous, but something tells me the guys don’t see it as a sacrifice. They’re playing because they love it, it’s the ladies that get to carry the burden of worrying.

Dawn’s husband, Ryan, is leaving to play UCF football and she’s prepping to be a “football widow.” She’s worried about dealing on her own with her autistic son because his routine is going to be messed up without his father. Wow, they are really laying it on thick this episode. She’s also still very concerned about money. Dawn has date night with Ryan, and they talk about the time when he considered quitting and the fact that after he retires they won’t have a real source of income. They are living off of savings and used their cushion to get him prepped for his final football season with the UFL and all they can do is hope it pays off. Yikes. Doesn’t seem like a very lucrative plan. Okay, I do kind of feel bad for her, but maybe they should have put together a better plan than depending on football when it hasn’t worked very well for them in the past. If you ask me, that’s the real issue here.

Off in California, supporting the Cowboys at football camp, Erin and Amanda take in an afternoon at the beach. They’re not so concerned with money or their husbands’ safety. Worries? What are those? Instead Amanda grills Erin about not having babies; she only has dogs. Blah. Erin has a half-baked explanation, saying she wants twins and if she waits longer she’ll, like, drop more eggs, right? No, Miss Ditz. You can’t plan to have twins and you can’t plan the gender of your child without some serious gene therapy. She awkwardly switches the convo to asking Amanda about meeting her husband, Leonard. (What? They didn’t give you enough time to practice asking your cue card questions in a way that sounds like a normal person? There is no way these ladies are having conversations naturally. No way, no how.) Amanda’s explanation about meeting Leonard was along the lines of “OMG he’s sooooo pretty! Yes please! Take me in the bathroom right now!” Shut up. Please stop talking. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. Ew. And then she adds that that’s where her twin daughters came from? Gross. Have some freaking class.

Hooters waitress and not-quite-a-football-wife Brittany didn’t follow Matt to football camp, so she and her best friend put on skimpy dresses and go out on the town. Slinging back girlie drinks in a noisy Dallas bar, she tells her friend how much she misses Matt, and that she’s going to be there for him when he gets back – cheerleader pigtails and all. Big surprise; boring Brittany as usual.

Finally, Pilar decides to show up for something she’s invited to. Chanita and Dawn have put together a goodbye gathering with the other wives to say goodbye to George and Ryan. Chanita and Dawn break down and cry over their husbands’ imminent departures, and manage to put their fight from last week behind them long enough to support each other. As they cry, Pilar looks disinterested and rolls her eyes in disgust. Whoa. Bitchy much? But that’s not even the best part.

While they all munch delicately on some cake, Pilar claims that she’s 28 years old – bullshit. No one’s buying it. Pilar insists that she just “married up” and that Deion cradle robbed. Yuck, and also, that’s not what “marrying up” means. Naturally, I took a minute to do a little Google search on Mrs. Sanders. Her IMDB is one of the only profiles I’ve seen that doesn’t have any DOB info. Suspicious, no? But there’s more. Let’s do some math here. Deion and Pilar were married in June 1999, and it’s now 2010, so if her little claim that she’s 28 is true and she was married 11 years ago, then that would mean that she married Deion at age 17. Wouldn’t that be kind of illegal? Plus, does this look like a 17 year old to you? Also, the articles written about her wedding all claim she was 25 when she married Deion, which would make her 36. That’s not even that old and if you’re going to lie about your age, at least make sure the math checks out.

The episode ends with a few tearful goodbyes for Dawn and Chanita as Ryan and George leave for three months to play football. As annoying as Chanita is, I will admit that she has the most adorable little girls in the world. They kiss their daddy goodbye, and Chanita breaks down because this is the first time they will not live in the same place at the same time. So why did they move to Dallas, then? Why didn’t they move together to his team’s location? Hmm, seems like another contrived situation to benefit the show. Ugh.