‘Football Wives’ Recap: The Agony And The Ecstasy

S1:E5 Finally, Football Wives answers the question “Is Pilar Sanders human?” and the answer is a resounding “no.” While I’m not really defending the sanity of any of the other women, Pilar is by far the craziest because she thinks she’s above the drama. In reality, she’s usually the catalyst for it all. She’s also apparently a pathological liar and just plain bitchy to boot. It took some serious pain meds to kill the headache this episode gave me, but at least someone finally got in that woman’s face and proved that she’s a liar.

At the beginning of the episode, Chanita is still in the hospital. Amanda shows her human side and leaves her fashion show flanked by the other ladies to follow Chanita to the hospital. Shortly after Chanita is rushed away, Pilar shows up and seems almost annoyed that everyone went to the hospital. She gets a text from Deion and leaves to tend to him because that’s more “important” to her life. Clearly, this woman is not human. I don’t care how much you dislike or even hate someone but she’s just plain heartless.

The football wives weren’t allowed into the hospital room with Chanita, so they go home, but Amanda demands that they cancel the fashion show because their friend is more important than some silly event. I’m impressed by her maturity in this situation, especially considering how she deals with everything else.

The next morning, Chanita returns home. It turns out there’s nothing wrong with her, she was just suffering a severe migraine. I don’t know that it merited an emergency room visit, but I’m sure she was in some intense pain and for someone who doesn’t usually get migraines the first one’s got to be terrifying. Erin stops by first to see Chanita –funny, considering how she failed to stand up for Chanita when Pilar was passing judgment and rolling her eyes. The other wives (all except for Pilar) start to trickle in, bearing gifts and well wishes. Melani swears that Chanita is superwoman and that nothing ever gets to her, but I don’t know if this show has really given any evidence of that. (Remember how she couldn’t even finish a workout after claiming what an athlete she is? Not to mention the fact that she’s constantly complaining.) This event has reminded the ladies that they need to stick together, so they hold their wedding rings together like they’re on an episode of Captain Planet and swear to be the super football wives sisterhood. Ya ya, ladies.

Of course, now that she’s well, Chanita has the capacity to get right back to her greatest talent: bitching about those who’ve done her wrong. At least the theme is consistent; she’s still complaining about Pilar. George comes home from training camp to visit Chanita after her hospital visit. Things aren’t going so well for his teammate, Ryan (Dawn’s husband) because he sustained an injury during training camp. Chanita feels remorse for about five seconds before she turns the sad news into an occasion to complain about Pilar (but as much as I dislike Chanita, I’ll give it to her that any excuse to trash talk that fem-bot is a good one). At first, she makes jokes about Pilar’s no-guests-in-the-bathroom policy, but then we see why it really bothers her. She desperately wants Pilar to like her, but here’s some news for you Chanita: I don’t think it’s you. Pilar doesn’t seem to like anyone.

Despite the multitudes of drama from the first 10 minutes of the episode, the ladies all trot off to a boat party hosted by the football wife hopeful, Brittany and her Cowboy kicker. She invites everyone, including Pilar. A bunch of bitchy, over-privileged women stuck on a boat with their frenemy? This is going to get ugly. The women manage to stave off the drama for a bit, reveling in the luxury (sans class) of Brittany’s soiree and downing champagne and liquor while practicing their stripper skills on the boat’s built-in stripper pole. I’m surprised none of them slipped and fell into the lake with all that liquid courage flowing through their veins.

Of course, Pilar will have nothing to do with the ladies (although, to be honest, I don’t know if I’d be partaking in the floating stripper Olympics either). The ladies aren’t having it and Amanda takes it upon herself to confront Pilar – it’s the best chance she’ll get. You know Pilar isn’t going to swim to shore just to escape their verbal attack; her clothes are too expensive, and there’s a good chance she’ll melt as soon as she touches the water. The big question is why Pilar wasn’t at the hospital to support Chanita, but she feigns ignorance. Not so fast –Erin was there and she tells everyone that she told Pilar what was up and Pilar still decided to do nothing. Wow, have you learned nothing from you little age lie, Pilar? If you’re going to lie, make sure the evidence of your non-truth isn’t readily available. Duh. Of course this starts a fight with Dawn, who’s drunk enough to yell at Pilar and throw a cookie in her general direction. Pilar warns her not to get “jazzy with the jazz-master” – seriously, Pilar? If you’re going to be queen bitch, at least get some better terminology. This isn’t exactly the playground, ladies.

Pilar smugly listens to the affront and affirms that she doesn’t feel like she’s friends with any of them – so then why did you come to this little boat trip where you knew you’d be trapped with these ladies for hours? Hmm, reality show? I think not. The situation soon unravels as Amanda tries to play ref between Chanita and Dawn as they whine and bitch to Pilar and eventually the screeching chatter reaches a decibel that I’m pretty sure only dogs can hear. By the end of the fight, the sky is dark – just a little context so you can tell just how long this screaming fight went on. Something tells me this is what the rest of the season is going to be like.