‘Football Wives’ Recap: The Defensive Line

S1:E6 The cackling drama continues on this week’s Football Wives, but luckily some actual football makes its way back into the show. Of course, the main point of the show is showing rich women yelling at each other over frivolous things, but let’s not forget about the sport that put them all there.

The episode opens as Pilar invites the ladies out to go horseback riding. Dawn shows up because she’s determined to put the “festivities” on last week’s boat trip behind her – or because she’s contractually obligated to hang out with these screaming divas. Pilar is of course scandalized that Dawn showed up even though she invited her to come. Typical. How dare that girl come to this event she was invited to? Shouldn’t she know that the invite was actually just a slap in the face and not a real invitation to participate? Learn the girl language, lady.

Despite living in Texas, these ladies are surprisingly awful at horseback riding. Melani can’t handle it, and quits her horsey adventure early. Of course, this is taken as an affront to Pilar’s hospitality. Dawn is convinced that Pilar picked out a crazy horse for her – right. How about: you’re too girly to even ride a horse. That’s the truth.

The ladies sit down to a picnic lunch and we get a good look at Pilar’s riding outfit. I’ve now got red tie dye zebra print burned into my retinas. Clothes like that should be outlawed. Of course, the civilized lunch is immediately turned into another argument when Pilar brings up the “yipper yabber” on the boat, saying that there’s no way her husband would have allowed that to happen. Oh no she didn’t. Dawn lets loose, waving her child’s autism and her husband’s unemployment in defense of her actions. Pilar accuses Dawn of being drunk on the boat and says she wouldn’t have said those things if she didn’t have a little liquid courage. (I don’t like Pilar, but she’s kind of right in this case.) Dawn invites her over to her house so they can discuss it like adults, but of course Pilar declines saying she’d be a fool to accept that. Exactly, because then you might solve the issues that are driving the drama on this show and then where would we be? Dawn’s heckling drives Pilar away and she yells after her, “Hater” and “Bitch.” Wow. Is that all you’ve got, sweetheart?

Back in semi-sanity, Chanita is hosting an annual black tie event for her charity, “Beyond the Game,” which benefits widows and children in Africa. She’s actually winning me over this episode, because unlike these other women, she can actually see beyond her own nose. Score one, Chanita. Tony Romo’s girlfriend makes a quick appearance and hosts the event to help Chanita’s charity raise some serious money. Melani lends her vocal talents to the event as well, and Chanita sings her praises. The ladies, minus Pilar, all have a little moment and actually act like the lovely ladies they should be. Shocking, I know.

After the event, Chanita thanks the ladies for their support by taking them out for a club night. Finally, the ladies acknowledge the fact that the Cowboys are struggling on the field this year. Chanita takes it upon herself to ask Brittany how the losses are affecting her. The media slammed her man for hooking up with a Hooters girl (Brittany) instead of devoting his time to the game. It’s true, they always blame the girlfriends – just ask Jessica Simpson (in case you forgot, she was blamed for ex-boyfriend Tony Romo’s slump back when they were getting hot and heavy). Outside the club, a slutty fan heckles Brittany and Chanita, yelling about the Cowboys’ dismal record. This sets Chanita off – despite the fact that her husband isn’t a Cowboy, she defends her fellow Dallas wives and goes off on the panty-less heckler. For once I don’t blame her; I can admit it can’t be easy to field those types of comments.

To bring the wives back together, the ladies host a flag football game since football is what brought them all together in the first place (yeah, not the thousands of big ones they’re earning for letting VH1 film their lives for a few months). A couple of the husbands lend their expertise as coaches as they ladies bring their A-game. Pilar actually participates, and like lady Deion, she gets really into the game and uses it as a way to get past the drama from last week’s episode. Surprisingly, Dawn’s the one who’s not over it. It’s a sad day when Pilar Sanders gets to be the bigger person. For shame, Dawn. For shame.