‘Football Wives’ Season Finale Recap: The End Zone

S1:E8 Well pigskin wifey fans, we’ve made it. As of the end of last night’s episode, we’ve reached the end of the season. So what have we learned? Everything can be solved with Botox, right Amanda? We now know that someone will always find a reason to fight with Pilar and that the lightning rod of a woman apparently went all Benjamin Button and aged backwards (that’s right, she wasn’t lying about her age, she just became a storybook character, NBD). Okay, so we didn’t really learn anything, but we had fun right? A little fun? A few laughs? Okay, we sustained partial hearing loss and we’ve got some extra lines on our foreheads from all that judgmental and disappointed brow furrowing.

The final episode didn’t improve on this season-long pattern, but they changed locations – woo! The ladies find themselves in New York (because they needed something to make the finale epic besides yet another Pilar showdown, which is so October).

The ladies are enjoying their first night and already Chanita is stirring it up. Everyone’s trying to play nice, being friendly with Pilar, who managed to show up for the New York trip but not for Dawn’s vow renewal last week. Pilar, who’s always trying to show how cosmopolitan she is, is falling asleep at the rooftop bar. (She’d better keep her game up though, with the rate that Chanita is chugging down those White Russians. Who does she think she is, The Dude?) Of course, Miss Drama Queen herself, Dawn, tells Chanita to check her anger and have fun – are you serious? STFU, Miss Hypocrite.

The ladies get hooked up to go shopping in an exclusive, buyer-only showroom and it’s only a matter of time before the claws come out. Who’s being the bigger person now? Pilar buys a hideous silver mermaid dress that looks like something off a Destiny’s Child reject rack while the other ladies wait impatiently in the limo, and take the opportunity to bash Pilar for her lack of class – right because Amanda, Chanita and Dawn are just the epitome of style and grace.

That night, Amanda decides to stay in because all that “New York City walking” is making her knee hurt – what walking? Didn’t we just see you all getting chauffeured around in a limo? I know you all weren’t schlepping around on the subway. Pilar decides she’s staying in too, of course this is what sets the ladies off – no one cares that Amanda has some BS excuse for staying in. They hop in their knee-busting limo and head out on the town with another football wifey whose ball player was shipped away from Dallas to play for the Jets. Of course, Dawn and Chanita are certain that Pilar has some sinister plan to go to a swanky party instead of hanging out with the rest of them. What happened to “this anger is poisoning your mind?” I guess that doesn’t matter when she gets to drinking. Their visiting football wife smoothes it all over with a suggestion that will only make everything worse: Patron shots! Oh geez. So why does Dawn care so much anyway? All night all she can talk about is how much more fun it is without her. If it’s fun without her than why the hell are you complaining that she’s gone? If she’s such a “bitch” shouldn’t you be happy she’s not around? (Because then there wouldn’t be a show.)

The next night, they head out for a swanky dinner of … sliders – really? You’re in the city of amazing food around every corner and that’s what you’re munching on? Pilar’s not there for the “fancy” meal, so of course Dawn has to point it out and go on and on about what a great night they had without her – hello, what about Amanda? She didn’t go either, are you trying to make her feel awful? Out of the blue, Chanita brings up the fact that Dawn’s son is autistic, so she gives everyone a symbol of the national charity. This little nice (and awkwardly out of place) moment only lasts for a second until Melani and Pilar have the audacity to show up for dinner – wait, what did they do wrong again?

The ladies decide they won’t stick around while Melani and Pilar finish their belated dinners, and of course this brings up the same old argument again. I just feel bad for the other people trying to eat in the restaurant at this poit. Chanita says Pilar always ruins everything – harsh much? So she didn’t come to some event – who cares? Like any normal person would in the face of that much hate, Pilar leaves with tears in her eyes. She may be cold and have her head in the clouds, but Chanita could have some freaking tact for once. Melani defends Pilar and this sets off Dawn who draws some crazy line between what Melani says and disrespect of her profession. Now everyone’s crying and standing in front of the restaurant like angsty 16 year olds.

Melani apologizes for offending Dawn – what?! Of course once that apology gets wrapped up, Chanita starts yelling and saying she’s done with everyone. Even the other crazy ladies are over it, and now everyone’s making dramatic exits. No one is friends with anyone else anymore, and it doesn’t look like a resolution is anywhere in sight. What a way to end the season, huh? But how else would they do it? These ladies are like those girls in high school that spent every homecoming and Sadie Hawkins dance running around in packs stirring up rumors and drama instead of dancing with their dates in giant awkward friend circles like the rest of us. I wasn’t having it then, and I’m not having it now. Good riddance, Football Wives. We hardly knew ye (thank God).