Finally, it looks like CBS and ABC’s off-screen drama has ended — despite the fact that he shamefully didn’t force the networks to dress up like elves and spell non-existent words to determine his ruling, federal judge Gary Allen Fees has blocked CBS’ temporary restraining order against ABC’s The Glass House, the Big Brother-look-alike that’s set to premiere June 18.
So what does this mean for you? Why, quite simply, that your days of socializing in the beautiful outdoors are about to get replaced by days of shutting yourself into a black hole of addictive, soul-sucking television that makes you wonder how, exactly, you’re making your parents proud with that degree from a Top 10 university? (It’s sociology, Mom. And, yes, I understand that’s the Big Brother of college courses.) That’s right — not only will we be strapped to our computers 24/7 to watch the live stream of the disgustingly stupid antics of Big Brother‘s upcoming cast starting July 12, but we’ll be similarly tied to the live stream for ABC’s Glass House, which will indeed see its series premiere June 18. (Though CBS, in a statement provided to Hollywood.com, claimed it still plans to pursue its claims of copyright infringement and individual liability against any Glass House producer who may have violated confidentiality agreements signed while working for Big Brother.) It’s moments like these that make me happy that greedy Western consumerism has supplied me with two computers!
Because as much as CBS might believe ABC is poaching viewers with Glass House, the network doesn’t realize that the only thing that makes Big Brother fans happier than watching Rachel Reilly cry into a bush is having more opportunities to watch horrible fame whores cry into bushes. So, yes, CBS, we’ll watch Glass House — but you’d be crazy to think we wouldn’t tune into Big Brother too. We would willingly follow Chenbot straight into a robot apocalypse fueled by slop and oversized breast implants if she demanded it, so long as it was televised and featured plenty of VIP Cocktail Waitresses. So you best believe we’ll be boosting your numbers right alongside ABC’s. C’mon, if Rachel and Ragan can be friends after their epic fight, can’t you two figure it out?
Admittedly, though, CBS does have a point, especially since us Big Brother fans are welcoming a Big Brother-alike purely because it mimics our favorite summertime guilty pleasure. And, as a very guilty user, I wouldn’t ask for anything otherwise. So, in celebration of Glass House‘s future June 18 premiere date, let’s run down five essential behavioral traits we hope Glass House‘s contestants, yes, copy from our favorite Big Brother houseguests. They are a rare and special breed. Let’s make them less rare, please!
1. A limited vocabulary that leads to various epic and hilarious mispronunciations.
2. An unshakeable dedication to vanity that leads to a sob fest over a picture us normals would be lucky to take on a good day.
3. A sense of vengeance that trumps public health.
4. False confidence.
5. The knowledge that you exist purely for our viewing pleasure. Dance, monkeys.