Look, I’m over teasing poor (well, not poor, I guess she’s rolling in it now), defenseless 13 year old Rebecca Black for recording a song to fulfill her adolescent dreams. She’s a kid and for godsakes, she didn’t write the awful song, A GROWN ASS MAN DID. Anyway, I won’t make fun of the girl anymore, but I sure as hell will speak my mind about the piece of crap the Ark Music Factory has the audacity to call a song. I will also make fun of anyone who attempts to validate the crap factory by covering the song in any way that isn’t a parody. Enter Ryan Murphy and the Glee brigade of awful decisions. The kids are covering “Friday.” Vulture confirms this deplorable fact. Damnit. I was really hoping it was a rumor.
Not only is it not a rumor, but we now know who will be covering the clunker: Artie, Sam and Puck. Are you freaking kidding me? I bet a million nonexistent dollars (so how about we say the three paper clips, a UCB Comedy bumper sticker and a half-used notebook in the top drawer of my desk instead?) that Artie will rap again. A MILLION (nonexistent, to be replaced by the sundry crap in my desk) DOLLARS, PEOPLE. This cannot happen.
I’m hoping beyond all hopes (but not really, because I still have like, real hopes too) that this is another “Headband” situation. Remember? We were teased into thinking we’d get a preview of Rachel’s original song and instead we got wimpy lyrics about dependable hair accessories? Remember? Maybe, just maybe, they’re going to go that route but I’m almost positive they won’t. As we know — because Murphy and his writing gang beat us over the head with it every chance they get — the show aims to show young teens that they can follow their dreams and that music is an attainable dream. Isn’t Black a perfect example of that? She fell into music and became an overnight success. This means they’re serious. They are actually going to Glee-ify “Friday.” And Artie is totally going to rap again. This may be the end of the world. (I also may be the most melodramatic person to ever report this story.)