‘Glee’ Recap: Britney/Brittany

Britney Spears GleeS2: E2 Yes, of course, we all awaited Glee’s season premiere with bated breath, but what I think we were really waiting for was last night’s Britney Spears tribute. Now, before you write it off as nothing more than a bubblegum pop fangirl’s dream (okay, go ahead; it totally was) it was also featured a much needed triple dose of everyone’s favorite ditzy Cheerio, Brittany. (This is going to get confusing.)

Before the group gets into some serious Britney, Mr. Schue starts them off with a different (lame) idea, asking the gleeks if they know who Christopher Cross is. While he is actually a fairly successful artist known for easy listening (barf) I like Brittany’s explanation better: he discovered America. Though last season, the glee club followed Mr. Schue like a pack of little, blind puppies, they’ve got ideas of their own this year, and so does someone on Facebook. There’s a Facebook group (with 5 whole members!) begging the group to perform Britney Spears at the Homecoming pep rally. Kurt starts the group in on an over-the-top Britney-is-a-goddess-who-defined-our-generation discussion, but Schue shoots it down.

To make matters worse (or more hilarious) Brittany says she can’t do Britney songs because her name is actually Brittany S. Peirce – when mushed together Brittany SPeirce – and it’s caused her to live in the shadow of Britney Spears’ success. Schue takes the ammunition for his argument, albeit with a furrowed brow.

Slightly crazy and doe-eyed Emma is back, and this time her dentist boyfriend, Karl (John Stamos – Uncle Jesse’s still got it) is making on-campus visits. Schue encounters the two in Emma’s office as Karl describes how he’s using spontaneity to help Emma get over her fears and serious control issues. For some reason, Schue asks him to speak to the glee club about dental hygiene. Keep your enemies closer, I guess?

Karl gives the kids a plaque test which Artie, Rachel, and Brittany all fail – in Brittany’s defense, she washes her mouth out with soda because she’s pretty sure Dr. Pepper was a doctor. (I don’t think I’ll ever tire of the inane things she says.) Now that the writers have created an excuse for the kids to go to the dentist and go under anesthesia, Brittany starts them off. Right before she goes under, Karl gives her headphones to listen to Pandora and here comes the Britney. Suddenly, Brittany is busting out Britney moves and singing “Slave 4 U” in three of her iconic costumes, and damn she can really, I mean really, dance – why have they been keeping these skills under wraps for an entire season?

Meanwhile, Finn’s life has been hellish since he was kicked off the football team. He’s miserable but Rachel as the audacity (of course she does) to say she prefers that he’s not on the team because then a cheerleader won’t steal him away – pay attention folks, this is your brain on high school hormones. Thanks to her selfishness, we’re now going to watch the cutesy pair fight all episode. Great.

Back at the dentist’s office, Brittany is in for a follow-up appointment and she brings Santana who demands any procedure that requires anesthesia. They go under at the same time – because a dentist would totally do that – and their Britney fantasies merge plopping them both into their version of “Me Against the Music.” Brittany rocks it out again, but Santana is just plain creepy (I’m pretty sure her sexy face is also the face a python makes before it strikes at its prey).

The real Britney stops the song – yes, she’s actually in the episode – and tells Brittany she’s awesome but that this is a fantasy (cheesy, but I’ll let it slide). Apparently, this dream visit is enough for Brittany to get her confidence back, and she makes a case for the glee club to do Britney the next day in class. Schue still says no, and Kurt finally bursts out with what we all wanted to say – Schue lighten up! He doesn’t, and Kurt is sent to the principal’s office.

Rachel’s next to see Dr. Karl, and of course she has a Britney fantasy too. She stars in a shot-for-shot (boring) remake of “Hit Me Baby One More Time” (with another brief Britney cameo) and Finn plays the “baby” in question. This is cute and all, but it turns out Rachel is just about the worst dancer ever and after the first 15 seconds, it’s just kind of painful to watch. Though she obviously didn’t learn any new dance moves, the dream did give her an idea to dress like a slutty school girl upon her return to the high school. Finn is instantly jealous, and chases her down the hall asking her to cover up – every guy is suddenly falling all over themselves to look at her. So of course, they fight. Surprise, surprise.

Finally, Sue makes an appearance, pulling Schue aside to tell him that she caught Rachel’s “admirer” Jacob in the library, naked and masturbating to the idea of Rachel dressed as Britney Spears. Wowza. These writers are getting ballsy, aren’t they? She takes this opportunity to make fun of Schue for the stupid yellow sports car he bought to try to impress Emma (who ended up running away with a freaked out look on her face), and states her case that Britney Spears music is the gateway to depravity and that Glee had better not be doing her music. So of course, now they will be.

Cut to Britney on campus, dressed as a Cheerio and telling Tina she shouldn’t have broken up with Artie. Clearly, it’s his turn at the dentist.

He sings Stronger and imagines he’s a football player (weird, but at least he’s not rapping again). After having this vision, he asks Finn to help him get on the team again because Tina and Mike’s “Asian Fission” is growing stronger and he’s got to win her back. Coach Bieste witnessed a couple of football players torturing the pair in the hallway earlier and feels for them, so she lets them suit up. Rachel is not going to be pleased.

Back in the glee room, Puck asks why everyone is having Britney fantasies (thank you, it’s about time someone pointed out how nonsensical it is) and Artie explains it away – too much Britney talk and nitrous oxide makes you hallucinate. Oh, okay. With that, Schue says they can do Britney, but he’s going to perform with them. Womp, womp.

Before the pep rally, Rachel ambushes Finn in the locker room at first to say she wants him to be happy, then to say that unless they’re both losers he’s going to cheat on her. He responds incredibly sweetly, hugging her and saying he’ll make sure everyone knows she’s his girlfriend, but that’s not enough for her. She actually tells him he has to choose between her and football – seriously? Get a grip, honey.

The pep rally arrives and the gang performs “Toxic” dressed like a bunch of Bob Fosse rejects as Schue steals the spotlight and dances rather inappropriately with his students. (Grow up, man. Didn’t you learn anything after your attempt at being in a boy band last season?) The crowd goes insane, and Jacob continues his sexual deviance, humping the air and crying out “don’t stop!” (Seriously, like I said last week, what is going on at this school?) Sue declares the situation “A Britney Spears sex riot!” and pulls the fire alarm. Sue sues Schue for a sex riot neck sprain she sustained and Emma expresses her disappointment in Schue. He really screwed the pooch on this one.

Rachel uses the last song of the episode to apologize to Finn for being crazy – but only after she tests him by having Quinn ask him out. (He passes with flying colors.) She gives the cheesiest apology speech, saying she’s been strangling Finn like a little bird – to which Brittany replies, “Finn can fly?” (Sometimes I think the show would die without her.) Rachel serenades her man with Paramour’s “You Are the Only Exception,” as a montage of Schue crying over Emma and Rachel and Finn practically skipping through the halls holding hands plays. I guess we all needed a little sedation after an entire episode of sex rioting, but I had hoped for a little more of a bang. Come on, it’s the Britney episode, y’all!