It’s been three weeks since Glee shocked audiences with the craziest, most sex-filled episode we’ve ever seen, and now it’s finally time to see the repercussions from our Valentine’s Day wedding reception. Is Rachel really pregnant? Can Will and Emma save their relationship? What do gingers smell like? All those questions and more will be answered in this movie-filled recap of “Girls (And Boys) On Film!” Be warned Glee-bees I’ve had about three cups of coffee so brace yourselves…
So Here’s What You Missed On Glee
Mashup Madness: The episode opens on a gravity defying number, with a tuxedo-clad Will and Emma singing Fred Astaire’s “You’re All the World to Me.” The screen quickly changes to black and white, and our star-crossed McKinley teachers begin twirling and two-stepping right-side up, upside-down, and side-to-side. (Side-Note: I absolutely love hearing Emma sing. It’s the same giddy feeling I get when I hear a baby kitten let out a teeny-tiny meow.)
As it turns out, all that fancy footwork was actually just a part of Will’s dream, and he awakes in a panic. The next day at glee club Will, obviously inspired by his midnight fantasy, announces their assignment for the week: movies. Will explains, “Everybody loves movies — they don’t just tell stories, they transport us to other worlds. They are inspirational and the help us escape from our day-to-day anxieties.” Kitty quickly quips, “Like getting left at the alter?” (Side-Note: First of all, oooh burn! And secondly, let’s leave the snarky make-fun-of-Mr.-Schue comments to Santana, okay little one? At least we know that her insults are rooted in love.)
Will tells the group to choose their favorite songs from their favorite movies, but there’s a special twist: boys vs. girls mashups! (Side-Note: Gaaaaah! I’m having “Vitamin D” flashbacks and I’m absolutely loving it! Who else Googled the crap out of Quinn’s yellow dress after that episode aired? Ah the good ‘ol days…) Artie announces that he is moving into production on his first micro-budget feature — aka he’s making a movie y’all — and he offers starring roles to the team that wins the competition.
It’s here, it’s here! It’s finally here! Blaine and Brittany suggest to the group that it’s a bummer that the guys and the girls are automatically pinned against each other, so they suggest that the first number should include everyone. And with that, the music begins, the hallway clears, and Glee fans everywhere get a wave of chills because it’s Glee’s 500th musical number!
Blaine and Brittany lead the New Directions throughout the school with a fast-paced, smile-inducing, toe-tapping rendition of “Shout.” (Side-Note: This performance is the epitome of why I fell in love with Glee. It was fun, energetic, and filled with impressive dance moves and incredible voices. Plus, seeing Sugar booty pop on the library table is a soon-to-be GIF that I want to find and cherish forever. Oh, and big round of applause for Queen Brittany please!)
Now it’s time for the boys to show off their testosterone-filled mashup. Blaine, Artie, and Joe take center stage wearing exact replicas of Tom Cruise’s pilot-suit from Top Gun, and begin singing a very badass version of “Danger Zone.” (Side-Note: Hells yes! I loved Tom Cruise before he got all jumpy on Oprah’s couch. At least we all have him to thank for this pop-culture gem.)
All of the sudden Sam, Ryder, and Jake slide into the room wearing nothing but white dress shirts and socks — clearly they’re channeling Tom Cruise in Risky Business — and they begin a pumped up version of “Old Time Rock and Role.” (Side-Note: Okay, this is amazing! The songs blend so well together and I’m definitely a fan of boys without pants. The really funny thing is that their aviators and Ray Bans sunglasses make this performance about a bajillion times sexier. Swoon!)
The girls are in the bathroom getting all dolled up for their performance in their Marilyn Monroe inspired outfits when Kitty approaches Marley. “I have a confession to make. For the past six months I’ve said behind your back and in front of your face that you’re poor, and you’re fat, and mousy, and boring, and you dress like Zach Galifianakis.” Kitty apologizes adding, “We’re both dating Puckermans, and someday we’ll be sisters-in-law and hanging out with Jews together.” (Side-Note: Love that plan! Can you imagine their awkward family Thanksgivings?)
Marley lets down her guard and confesses to a finger-crossing Kitty that Ryder kissed her on Valentine’s Day. Kitty then offers Marley the greatest advice that every girl ever should hear: “Boys are like lumps of coal. They’re dirty and they’re cheap and they get hot when they’re rubbed. And some turn into diamonds. So collect as many as you can.” (Side-Note: Could this quote be any more perfect? I think I’ve found my new life motto — well, for my twenties at least. Keep in mind ladies, this little ditty only applies to boys and good men are completely different. Cough! Finn Hudson. Cough!)
The girls break into their rendition of “Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend” mashed up with Madonna’s “Material Girl” — complete with hot pink dresses, gloves, and sexy black fans. (Side-Note: Nope! Not fair! They’re singing a mashup that’s already been featured in Moulin Rouge! Plus this performance was kind of awkward at points, I don’t really know how to describe why — but we all know it was.)
NEXT: A Grand Gesture and a Sultry Secret!
Go Get Your Girl: On the day that the mash-off is announced, Finn pulls Will aside and asks if he’s had any luck on locating his MIA bride, but unfortunately Emma has channeled her inner-meerkat and is currently hiding out at an unknown location. (Side-Note: Now imagine Emma’s bushbaby eyes peeping out of a hole and don’t try to tell me you’re not smiling!) Will thanks Finn for his concern, but he thinks it’s best to just give Emma some space and if she really wants to be with him, she’ll come back on her own.
Finn, determined to ease his guilt from kissing Emma, asks Artie to help him track down Ms. Pillsbury for Mr. Schue. So the two friends do what anyone would do: they put on red wigs, ask Emma’s parents to come down to the school, and pretend to be two members of the “Stop Ginger Bullying Club.” (Side-Note: McKinley has so many bizarre clubs, it’s only a matter of time before this becomes a real thing.) After revealing that gingers smell like pennies, red-headed Finn convinces Emma’s parents to give them the address of where Emma is staying.
Finn rushes to tell Will that he needs to go to Emma and make a big romantic gesture in order to win her back. The next thing we know, Will is standing outside of Emma’s sister’s house singing a swoon-worthy version of “In Your Eyes.” The New Directions soon join him, and the music lures Emma out of bed and over to the window. (Side-Note: Gaaah! Be still my Wemma-loving heart. This feels like the couple I fell in love with back when they first kissed in the hallway. Will sounds amazing; it’s like this song was meant for him. However, I still can’t believe that Will still has that same crappy car.)
Emma apologizes for shutting Will out, and says that she couldn’t explain because she’s not even sure that she understands what happened. Will makes it easy for her and says, “If you were to write yourself a pamphlet, what would it be called?” Emma thinks for a moment and responds with, “So You’re Freaking Out Because The Man You’re About to Marry Parades Back Into Town and You Don’t Think You Know Him Anymore.”
The duo decides they need to start from scratch and see if they can get to know each other all over again. (Side-Note: Well this is just a big fat bummer. Wemma lovers out there have been rooting for this couple for four years and now they’re back to square one? I guess we should be glad that they’re still together, but come on!)
A Sultry Secret: The next day, Marley enters an art classroom to find an adorable looking Jake standing there waiting for her. Little Puckerman confesses to her that all of the sweet gifts and moments he gave her last week on Valentine’s Day were actually Ryder’s ideas.
To make up for his lack of V-Day creativity, Jake had set up an exact replica of the pottery scene from Ghost, and he proceeded to sing a flawless version of “Unchained Melody.” (Side-Note: Oh my goodness this scene is giving me chills! Jake’s voice is absolutely phenomenal, and the scene is charged with so much electricity I keep expecting to see little sparks burst every time they touch.)
Unfortunately Marley cannot get Ryder out of her sweet little head, and the song switches from Jake to Ryder and back-and forth as the best friends battle it out in her mind. Marley’s daydreams even include a super steamy kiss with Ryder. (Side-Note: Oh yeah, it must totally suck to have two perfect fellas vying for your attention. Your life is just sooo difficult right now Marley. In other news, the closest relationship I’m currently involved in is with the checkout guy at Trader Joes who doesn’t scoff at the fact that I buy four bottles of wine at a time. I love you, Stephen!)
The song ends and a doe-eyed Marley confesses that Ryder kissed her last week, and to make matters worse, she let him. Jake is clearly furious, and he leaves the room without saying a single word. (Side-Note: Well at least Marley was the one to break the news to Jake. It would have been a trillion times worse had Kitty been the one to happily reveal the scandalous secret.)
NEXT: Santana’s Super Snark/The Episode’s Best Moments
Cabin Fever: Santana is looking out a window of the loft, and in a lovely twist, we hear her inner monologue. “My first real week in New York and I’m snow-bound in Bushwick with a bunch of musical theater queens.” So here’s the sitch: Adam and Kurt are giggling in the kitchen, Brody is working, and Rachel is in the bathroom. (Side-Note: Adam, please see yourself out. Blaine’s face is cuter than your accent. And hey Brody, when Adam says you’re “working,” does that mean you’re working the pole or do you only whore yourself out in hotel rooms? Yes ladies and Gleeks, I have officially reached full-on snark with these boys. Get ready.)
NYADA cancelled all of their classes because of the snow, and the group is currently going through a case of cabin fever because Santana and Rachel are bickering like two Chihuahuas in a crate. Kurt suggests they watch a movie, and from Santana’s DVD suggestions — Knocked Up, Rosemary’s Baby, and She’s Having a Baby — it’s clear our favorite Lima Heights lady has caught on to Rachel’s current bun-in-the-oven issue.
Kurt, clearly oblivious as to what is going on, chooses Moulin Rouge as their snowed-in selection. Suddenly, we’re transported to a roof, neon lights are all around, and a very dapper looking Blaine walks out onto the smoke-filled floor. (Side-Note: Totally serious right now: the song hasn’t even started and I just completely burst into tears. This is one of my all-time favorite songs and you all know how much I cherish this couple.)
As Blaine begins singing “Come What May,” the scene cuts away to flashbacks of the couple’s most memorable moments. (Side-Note: Oh God! Now there are flashbacks too?! Holy crap I am dying right now. And for those of you that don’t quite understand, this is the equivalent to the “Flower Scene” for Klaine fans right now.) Kurt and Blaine slow dance together and create perfect harmonies with their voices before ending in a super sweet embrace.
Kurt’s daydream ends, and we see that he’s sitting on the couch next to Adam and he has tears in his eyes. He quickly blames the waterworks on his non-existent contacts, when Santana reveals the truth to an overly gullible Adam: “I would’ve thought that you were crying because you and Blaine used to talk about how this was your dream to sing this song to each other at your wedding.” (Side-Note: I never ever ever want Santana to leave my TV screen ever again. Let’s have her start reading the morning news too!)
Oh but the bluntness doesn’t stop there! Santana stands up and shares what’s really been on her mind, saying “That Brody character is a freaking psycho.” (Side-Note: This! This right here is what I’ve been waiting for! Please continue Miss Lopez…) “When I first met him, totally thought he was weird. He smelt all talcumy like a Cabbage Patch Doll and then he said that I wasn’t a real New Yorker until I’ve had my first makeover and I was like, ‘What does that even mean? Like who are you?’” (Side-Note: I haven’t been this giddy since Kurt yelled at Brody for putting his bare ass on his vintage flea market chair)
Santana explains that she was willing to look past all this, but then she found a giant wad of money — $1,200 in cash to be exact — hidden in Brody’s things. Oh yeah, fun-fact: Santana likes to root through other people’s stuff, it’s kind of like a glorious panty-raiding hobby. In her quest to figure out what he was up to, Santana also found a pager. (Side-Note: Hi little ones, I’ll help you out. A “pager” is a magical device that was used before cell phones when you wanted to alert someone that you wanted to talk to them. Isn’t history fun?!) Santana declares that given the evidence, Brody is a drug-dealer. (Side-Note: Nope. Unless he’s dealing steroids and Muscle Milk, I’m gonna go ahead and stick with my original guess: Brody’s a hoe fo’ sho.)
Kurt is in a NYADA classroom practicing his pirouettes when Adam lurks into the doorway saying, “What’s shaking bacon?” (Side-Note: Ugh just stop. You’re not funny and you look like you’re 45.) Adam asks Kurt about “Come What May,” and adds that he still loves Blaine and questions if he was just a rebound. (Side-Note: Kurt may have said no, but I sure as hell screamed yes.) Kurt admits that he desperately wants to be over Blaine, and Adam takes that as a sign that they should go to the movies, watch a sappy love flick and claim that as their movie. Luckily for Klaine fans everywhere, Kurt looks hesitant at this suggestion.
A happy-to-be-in-NYC Santana enters the loft to find Rachel sitting on the couch, looking thoroughly depressed and alone. So, naturally, she takes this opportunity to discuss what she found in Rachel’s bathroom trash: a used pregnancy test. Rachel quickly denies the whole thing telling Santana, “You had no right,” but then in a matter of seconds our beloved Miss Berry bursts into tears.
Fans quickly see a brand-new side to Santana as she hugs her sobbing friend and whispers that everything is going to be okay. (Side-Note: So I was recently alerted to the fact that Rachel and Santana’s (friend)shipper name is Pezberry. So first of all I absolutely love that! Also, I don’t think I’ve ever been so excited to see Rachel with a friend. I feel like these two are going to be such a great pair together and I can’t wait for more!)
The Final Five: Mr. Schue reveals the big winners of the annual girls vs. boys mashup competition, and no surprise here it’s… everyone! The room bursts into outraged comments, and the students claim how unfair it is while Ryder smashes an unknown object in the back of the room. (Side-Note: I feel like this is a little league baseball game where the finale score was Boys: 27 – Girls: 4, but everyone gets a trophy because the coaches don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. They can’t all be winners, Mr. Schue!) Artie explains that they all won because he wants the entire group to be involved in his senior project film, “Hollywood Hootenanny.”
Will then asks Finn to step out into the hallway saying, “Boy meets girl. Boy loses girl. Boy mopes around and sits on his ass until his best man helps save the day.” Will thanks Finn for encouraging him to win Emma back, and just when we think everything is going to be just peachy, Finn asks if Emma mentioned him at all. Will looks puzzled before Finn blurts out, “Because I kissed her.” Finn quickly explains his logic and how he tried to calm her down by locking lips, and apologizes profusely to his best friend and mentor.
Finn exclaims, “Go ahead and just punch me or whatever because I deserve it. I am so sorry.” However, Will just stands there, glaring at him before silently walking away. (Side-Note: Wow. Just when I thought that Finn had reached emotional perfection in the “I Do” episode, he gives us this amazing scene. I think Finn handled this situation with as much maturity and tact as he could, and kudos to Cory for making our eyes well up with tears.)
The episode ends with a fancy-footwork, high-energy version of “Footloose.” All you really need to know is that there is glitter and at one point Brittany takes off her sneaker in a fit of joy. See you next week Glee-bees!
Most Heartwarming Moment: Finally seeing Kurt and Blaine singing “Come What May” to each other.
Most Heartbreaking Moment: Watching Rachel hysterically breakdown in Santana’s arms.
“You don’t get dibs on Les Mis just because you are the poster” — Kitty to Marley
“We should do The Artist so we don’t have to sing!” — Sugar to the girls.
“Where is Rachel anyways? Giving that living mannequin a bikini wax?” — Santana
“Moulin Rouge bitches! We love those dancing hoes!” — Kurt
“Oh okay, I like how you guys pretend to be all accepting about everything, but when your friend suddenly shows up in your home, moves in, and goes through all your stuff, you’re offended?” — Santana
“Boys are like lumps of coal. They’re dirty and their cheap and they get hot when they’re rubbed. And some turn into diamonds. So collect as many as you can.” — Kitty to Marley
What did you think of “Girls (And boys) On Film”? Do you think Rachel’s really pregnant? What did you think of Finn’s confession to Mr. Schue? Sing your thoughts in the comments below!
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[Photo Credit: Adam Rose/FOX(3)]