‘Glee’ Recap: The Sue Sylvester Shuffle

Glee Super Bowl ThrillerS2E11: Well folks, it looks like the Pittsburgh Steelers weren’t the only ones getting their asses handed to them last night. Glee delivered what I feel is safe to call the worst episode of the show ever. I mean EVER. Besides the fact that the plot seemed like the writers said, “Oh! Super Bowl episode? FOOTBALL, ZOMBIES, WHINY TEENS! Let’s spin it in a salad shooter and see what comes out,” the show’s cast seemed to be giving it a half-hearted effort. While I never praise Dianna Agron for her top-notch acting, she was about as interesting as a piece of very pretty cardboard in last night’s sad display. Thank God the writers have been giving Brittany more lines, because waiting for her to say something ridiculous was the only thing that kept me hanging on last night.

“The glee club together with the football team is like a double rainbow. A zombie double rainbow.” –Brittany

Hey guys, did you know that this episode came on after the Super Bowl? In case you forgot in between that last paragraph and the space below it, yesterday was All of America Watches Football Day, so guess what? Glee had their football players join the glee club. They’re so wacky.

The tensions between the football players and the glee club comes to a head when the trouble makes it onto the field and causes the winning team to suffer a crushing loss at the hands of the schism. This of course brings about a brawl in the locker room and Coach Bieste turns to Schue for advise on how to fix the issues with her divided football team. I do get that tensions have been mounting after Karovski’s homophobic bullshit drove Kurt to another school, but this sudden snap was way over the top. This is not West Side Story. There are no Jets and Sharks. This is just too much, writers.

The solution for all of this is that the glee club and the football team must join forces and perform a mashup of “Thriller” and Yeah Yeah Yeahs’ “Heads Will Roll” in full zombie garb at the halftime show. Of course, being forced to be in glee club for a week causes more fighting, including a brawl in the choir room, right in front of Bieste and Schue after Rachel and Puck sing that beautiful Lady Antebellum song, “Need You Now.” That sweet song sure whips me into a frenzy.

“Put a little life into it.” –Schue

“But we’re dead.” –Karovski

Of course, as the episode goes on, the football players become great performers all of the sudden, including Karovski, who Schue says could be “really talented” if he applied himself. Luckily, this uncharacteristic flipping of Karovski’s switch to joining Finn and glee club is, well, gleefully over by the end of the episode. Let’s be real; no high school kid would actually keep this going. It wouldn’t be “cool” and he’d revert just like Karovski does by the end of the episode.

Before they get into their halftime performance, the boys perform “She’s Not There” by….THE ZOMBIES! Clever, right? Or obtuse, but whatever. There is no way the players would have put this much effort into it, but fantasy is fun, right?

“Blaine likes football. I like scarves.” –Kurt

Finally, the whole football team quits because they don’t want to be caught dancing and singing and this leaves the remaining five players with no choice but to forfeit until the glee club girls join and promise to just “lay down” and let the boys complete the passes and score the touchdowns. Was anyone else infuriated by this? Thank God Tina actually got up, grabbed the ball and charged down the field – someone had to prove that not all girls are prissy babies like Rachel (and the gruff, nerdy girl who recently joined glee doesn’t count).

When halftime comes, they convince all their lost members and the football players to join in (Karovski jumps in at the last possible second) for the dance number, which was legitimately awesome (and the only reason to watch the episode), before the players all rejoined the team for the second half, defeating their opponents while still donning zombie make up and groaning “BRAIIIINNNNSS.” I’m sure this would all be highly illegal in real high school football.

“I don’t want to die. At least not until One Tree Hill gets cancelled.” –Brittany

In the B plot, Sue is frustrated with her over-the-top Cheerio routines. The chicken cutlets in the girls’ bras, the fire, the boob sparklers, blue wigs, and BMX bikers just aren’t doing it for her anymore, so she goes off the deep end which for Sue is an abyss. She got a little too insane for my taste; her craziness has always bent reality but this is just absurd. She decides the Cheerios need a human cannon even though they are a shoe-in for regionals, and Brittany is elected as the girl who’ll be shot from the cannon. This of course doesn’t fly with the school and they tell her she can’t force anyone to get in the cannon without their permission.

This angers Sue and she talks to the cheer commission and has them move regionals to the same day as the big game, forcing the glee Cheerios choose between teams. They all stay with Sue, but eventually Finn convinces them to come back. The cheer team loses at regionals which leads to a completely unnecessary cameo by Katie Couric who interviews Sue for being a loser like Dina Lohan (they’ll apologize to Lindsay, but her mom is fair game apparently). Sue’s loss also shifts her massive budget to the glee club’s account and makes this story line the most overly dramatic and convenient bit they’ve done in a while.

“People should wear protective headgear when they’re watching it.” –Kurt

Because we can’t forget about Dalton, they pop in with a strange rendition of “Bills, Bills, Bills” – a song I haven’t heard since middle school. This contributed nothing to the plot, only allowing Darren Criss to break more TV-loving hearts and ensure that Blaine and Kurt attended the football game. Weak. Very, very weak.

“I need you to do this number with me to make Finn jealous.” –Rachel

Sorry folks, the one-liner well was running a little dry last night, so this will have to do. Now, for the necessary but increasingly obnoxious romantic roundup. Rachel and Finn are broken up, Rachel does that duet with Puck to make him jealous and it works, but not well enough. (Personally, I’d actually be on board with more Puckleberry in the future, but that’s just me.)

To complicate things, Quinn’s started looking at Finn the way a hungry dude might look at a meatball sub, but there’s a slight problem: she’s dating Sam. When Finn tries to convince her to quit the Cheerios the first time, Sam takes it as a threat to his relationship and starts a fight with Finn. Oh high school drama. Drama, drama, drama. By the end of the episode, Quinn is straying from her boyfriend – again – just like she did when Finn was her man. She kisses Finn and says she remembers why she loved him. It looks like there will be more drama for glee club, probably tomorrow during the Valentine’s Day episode. Let’s stop worrying about these obnoxious love triangles and get back to what’s going on with Kurt and Blaine. I need to know!

“How do you cope with that?” –Katie Couric

“I’ve been drinking a lot of bleach.” –Sue

This was a terrible episode, but hopefully not that terrible. It will be okay…I think. There’s already a new episode coming up in Glee’s regular time slot tomorrow night, so hopefully we can get back to the campy, hilarious one-liners and gags and leave all this ridiculousness behind. Please, please redeem yourselves, Ryan Murphy and friends. PLEASE.