‘Gossip Girl’ Recap: A Touch Of Eva

S4:E4 It seems that since Eva has been in Chuck’s life, he’s been donating everything he can bear to part with (which is really still only money) to every charity he can think of – and he hasn’t even forgotten about the ones that film commercials about helping hungry children while they’re having dogs fight in the basement. Of course, Blair has noticed all of Chuck’s new efforts of reform, and it’s driving her crazy – especially the fact that Chuck gave Eva a Cartier watch that is rumored to be worth more than anything he ever gave Blair…so Blair made it her mission to rip Eva’s perfect French complexion despite smoking three packs a day off of…itself, I guess. Additionally, Serena was having trouble dealing with the fact that Dan and Nate are both in relationships, and she’s frustrated they’re not just some French servant she can tell she’s an American and he’ll let her smuggle him back to America and do dirty things to when she decides to let him out of her S&M closet.

Vanessa was still living with Dan, and working very hard to try and get him to forget that Georgina lied to him about having a son, and then took him back to wherever it is Geroginas come from by making two pancakes and inviting two other people (Rufus and Lily) over for breakfast. At Chuck’s apartment, Juliet arrived to help with the planning of Chuck’s gala that was to take place that night, where he was to give $5 million away to a cause he had yet to determine. But when Blair went to Cartier to find out exactly how much that watch was that Chuck gave Eva, she found Eva SELLING her watch BACK to Cartier and taking the cash! Blair took a picture of the transaction, because she hasn’t yet asked Gossip Girl how to stream anything online.

Bestowed with new information about Eva, Blair waltzed over to Chuck’s and demanded they have tea. Almost immediately, she asked if she might be able to admire Eva’s gorgeous watch because she knew Eva had sold it back to the store. Eva tried to dodge the situation by saying she had brought it in to be resized…but Blair was already armed with a highly pixelated photo of Eva doing exactly what looks like returning it. She showed Chuck, and Eva said she needed the money for a friend. Then, one of Chuck’s servants interjected and said Eva gave the money to him so he could buy the house he grew up in, which would allow the rest of his family to keep living in it. Screw you, Eva. You made everything nice to look at no fun to wear in four seconds flat (because your French accent is luxurious, and soft and everything pleasant and you’re never in a rush to defend yourself because you never have to defend yourself).

So in order to try and smooth things over with Eva, Blair offered to help her pick the charity that Chuck was to donate his money, since he couldn’t decide. Blair insisted Eva tell her every ounce of her Parisian life story, so she secretly could text all the facts back to Serena, who could verify or disprove them on a computer. Eva told Blair she was the one that found him after he was shot, and Blair’s plan of screwing over Eva by helping her pick the worst charity for Chuck’s image was temporarily derailed. But not so much that Serena and Dan continued to flirt over the assignment of exposing a sweet French girl.

At Nate’s, Juliet walked in while he was researching her whereabouts over the last few nights because she kept lying about the strength of her phone battery and her need to study. Even though he’s a member of Hamilton House, he’s dumb enough to think Juliet’s just dating other people as opposed to conspiring with a convict about bringing each and every Gossip Girl reader down way past Chinatown. Vanessa suddenly showed up to “kidnap” Dan to continue to try and help him get over Milo’s departure, only to realize Dan wasn’t there. What she didn’t know was that Dan lied to her about being there so he could go visit Serena and help her help Blair dethrone Eva….who, incidentally, they discovered used to be a prostitute! No wonder she’s in no rush to go anywhere – she’s gotta fill the hour!

Nate called Dan to ask why he lied to Vanessa about being at his apartment when he was really with Serena, and Dan (even though he was instructed not to) told Nate that Eva was a prostitute. So of course, Nate interrupted Chuck, who was playing pool in his tuxedo, to inform him that the woman who was so good at getting him to donate money was also a woman who was really good at getting men to donate other things. Chuck pretended he already knew, but the way he asexually rubbed that blue stuff onto the tip of his pool stick said otherwise.

At Chuck’s charity ball, Blair tried to tell Chuck about Eva’s prostitution past, but he said he already knew (which he really only confirmed with Eva right before they left their hotel). At the same time, Juliet instructed Nate to check her coat and right as he was about to obey her orders, her jacket vibrated with a text from Ben, saying he needed to see her right away. Nate asked Juliet what the text was about – and Juliet didn’t seem the least bit surprised that her convict had apparently found a way to text her from inside his colon. He left before she could explain how great of a feat that really was.

Chuck decided to give $5 million to the Eva Foundation, which made Blair want to volunteer herself for the Texas Chainsaw Massacre Foundation. Blair went up to Chuck and said that Eva actually knew who he was when she saved him from death, because when she was snooping in Eva’s suitcase, Blair found Chuck’s passport and OHHHH EMM GEE EVA SHOT CHUCK SO SHE COULD LICK HIS WOUNDS AND MAKE HIM FALL IN LOVE WITH HER BY PRETENDING NOT TO KNOW HE’S REALLY CHUCK BASS, AND THEN SHE’D GET HIM TO SAVE HER FROM HER LIFE OF TREATING BLEMISHES WITH DRUG STORE PRODUCTS! But that’s not really true. Blair just planted Chuck’s passport in Eva’s suitcase after she took it from Lily, who received it in the mail from police in Paris. What are these writers nourishing themselves on? Lead pencils? Chuck told her to pack her things, but only the things she came with. But once he realized Blair set him up, he begged Eva to stay. She did not.

In the end, Dan admitted to Vanessa that losing Milo broke his heart and that he loved her and not Serena, after he found out she came back from Paris not having decided if she wanted to be with Nate or Dan. Chuck stopped by Blair’s apartment and told her he knew what he did and that it was despicable. Blair said she never wanted to make her leave (untruth), and that he needed to know why she did it. He asked her if she still loved him. She untruthed and said she didn’t, and Chuck declared war on Blair. Looks like we’re headed right into the danger zone.