‘Gossip Girl’ Recap: Damien Darko

S4:E13 As I sit down to write this recap, I realize this season of Gossip Girl sucks. It sucks! It’s so boring. Lily has become some kind of mean-spirited woman, Serena is a trusty steed of honesty, and Blair and Dan are friends. This is not a good show anymore. I actually cringe when I have switch from The Bachelor to Gossip Girl now. Gone are the days of replacing the sequins on somebody’s blazer with pills and then employing the person wearing the coat as a drug mule! Now they’re getting internships at W and searching through their mother’s safety deposit box for affidavits? Please. Gossip Girl is about the GOSSIP that’s exchanged by people at their laser hair removal appointments, not getting people out of prison like they work for the fucking Innocence Project.

Wow, Ithaca’s supposed to be beautiful. But are you sure? – Serena

SEE WHAT I MEAN? SERENA IS SAYING ITHACA IS BEAUTIFUL! Ithaca is decidedly NOT BEAUTIFUL. It isn’t even BIUTIFUL! No, Serena would never say that. This is exactly my point. This season, she’s become a do-gooder who hasn’t even enrolled in an internship because she’s too busy trying to make things right with the teacher her mother sent to prison for three years. THAT IS BORING. She should be posing as a hooker and trying put a stop to the non-problem of prostitution, and then her family should start to worry about the likelihood she’ll really adopt that lifestyle for realz! OR REJECTING HER WEALTH AND TYING HERSELF TO A PARKING METER ON A HUNGER STRIKE! That’s what should be happening here. But instead, Ben is having coffee with the daughter of a woman who put him in prison with falsified evidence and talking about moving to Ithaca so he can work on a garden or something. This is Gossip Girl, you shits! Are they going to start scientifically engineering blue raisins next?! When Serena went home later that day, she found out her mother had sent $30,000 to Ben to try and convince him to stay away from the family. But Ben sent back the money because it had diamond dust all over it and his rapist fingers preferred the sweat of non-consenting babes. Serena suddenly realized that Ben was looking to go to Ithaca to stay away from her, even though she was really starting to like him. So to keep him here, she asked Rufus to let Ben stay in his old loft in Brooklyn.

Also wrong with this season is the development of a friendship between the people we’ve watched hate each other since day one. Over the break, Blair and Dan have been appreciating the city’s artwork and films and such because Serena is doing her own thing WITH THE TEACHER WHO WOULDN’T FUCK HER. Anyway, they’ve both gotten internships but neither one will tell the other where they’ll be working, and so it’s no surprise that they’ve both landed spots at W Magazine. But their friendship quickly starts to die when they engage in a competition to bring a celebrated author to a W-sponsored party that night to impress their supervisor. They agreed not to sabotage each other, but Dan took Blair’s guest off of the guest list because he assumed she was going to do the same thing to his guest. Once Blair realized what Dan did, they fought on the floor of the party and were dismissed from the internship. OFF TO BE BESTIES ONCE AGAIN! But no, the inflatable ducky’s been punctured. Blair told Dan that this wasn’t just any internship for her and that unlike what has happened in the past, her mother didn’t get her this spot. She informed him that she got the job herself by faxing her resume to all 332 fax machines in the building, and that she must have been stupid to think that the two of them were actually becoming friends and that he wouldn’t do something to hurt her behind her back. So little Dan put on his car salesman scarf, called the internship supervisor, and got Blair a spot in the office again. But this time, with Dan as an enemy again.