‘Gossip Girl’ Recap: Double Identity

S4:E2 ¡Bienvenidos a Paris! That’s right! Nobody’s started school on Gossip Girl yet, so they’re still breaking their chaussures on the cobblestone streets and sitting by a fontaine d’eau, getting fed pâtisseries by a waiter. What glorious lives they lead, right? Oh, well, not that glamorous, seeing as Serena’s mother keeps calling her and asking why she got a phone call from the Paris police about a body being found in the river with Chuck Bass’ ID, and if she’s available to go identify it. Lets see what other Parisian luxuries rapped up the summer on last night’s episode.

Back in New York, Nate spent the whole night sipping coffee with Juliette (who we already know is a poser from Queens or something because of the way all her clothes still had the tags on them and the way she had an “Along Came A Spider” creepy bulletin board full of newspaper clippings about Nate, Serena, Blair and Chuck that we saw last episode) and trying to figure out if he wanted to be with Serena or not. Of course, we know Juliette’s not quite enthusiastic, because she probably wants to shove a cat in his mouth and wrap him in saran wrap and dismember him so she can masquerade as an Archibald instead of an Archer, or something.

In Paris, Serena went to identify the body and it’s obviously not Chuck’s because while Blair was driving back to her chateau after shopping for a second date with the prince, she saw him on the street. Serena continued to look for Chuck all over Paris, not knowing Blair ran into him: she discovered he was working at a bar and tracked him down to his apartment and told him he was about to lose everything (because he’s been acting particularly un-Bass-like and not paying his bills on his hotel) if he didn’t come back to New York. However, the show would end if he didn’t return to the Big Apple, so obviously he’s going to go back and revive his pinky-ring. Also, Dan seems to have taken up the habit of singing “This land is my land” to his son Milo, only the land is a loft, because Dan Humphrey owns not even a blade of grass.

We started to figure out what Juliette is really about when she went shopping for food with Vanessa in Brooklyn for Dan and his baby that we’re still asked to believe is his, even though Georgina’s Russian was very good and she’s clearly lying about even birthing him. Juliette convinced Nate that she’s going to help him get back Serena (as opposed to Dan winning her back) now that she’s enrolled in Columbia for the fall, but it’s probably just so Juliette can ruin everything but make it look like Nate did it while still getting what she wants, which is rich guy tail.

Then, Juliette lied and told Vanessa that Dan still has feelings for her, even though Dan said no such thing, and this was clearly a part of her plot to “help” Nate get Serena all for himself. So after feeding his baby and putting him down for a nap, Vanessa cooked Dan a meal and gave him a “grown-up bottle,” which needs to be one of those puns an executive hears and sends out a strongly worded memo about. They slept together, and afterwards, Vanessa told Dan she’d have to thank Nate for telling her he still had feelings for her. Obviously, this resulted in an argument between Dan and Nate about who was going to have Serena when she comes back from Paris (if she ever does, that is, and is willing to abandon her life of identifying dead thieves who were carrying Chuck Bass’s wallet).

While Blair was getting ready for her second date with the French prince, Serena received the deeds to Chuck’s hotel, with a note that said “I’d rather have nothing than be Chuck Bass anymore.” Serena decided not to say anything so as not to ruin Blair’s preparations, and Blair went off to pick up some jewelry at Harry Winston. However, Serena was right behind her with a police officer, who explained to them that Chuck was shot back in New York by some Parisian muggers, who took the ring he was going to use to propose to Blair and tried to sell it back to the jewelry store in Paris. The cop also explained that it was one of the muggers who was found dead in the river with Chuck’s wallet on him, and that Chuck was most certainly getting ready to leave Paris for some other European city after he changed his name. Serena begged Blair to forget about the prince who stares at Manets all day and instead, go convince Chuck to come back to New York. So of course, Blair went to the train station in her luscious red gown and told him not to run away.

Serena came back from Paris and went straight to Dan’s apartment in Brooklyn, and was met by Milo, Dan and his new girlfriend Vanessa, and Nate and his new girlfriend, Juliette. As Rufus was going through old baby stuff, he found Milo’s hospital bracelet, which said Milo was type O-, which Rufus said made it very unlikely Dan was his father, since Dan is AB+. Finally, it’s proved that factual high school reasoning skills CAN IN FACT outlive a summer trip to Paris!