‘Gossip Girl’ Recap: Juliet Doesn’t Live Here Anymore

S4:E8 Last night’s Gossip Girl begin one morning, when Serena waltzed into Blair’s room and wanted to talk about how hard it is to keep her hands off the professor she’s supposedly dating, even though she isn’t allowed be left alone with him and only allows herself to take cabs with him because he’s going to class and she’s going to class and why would they take two cabs if they’re both going to class? Blair continued that she shouldn’t even be dating him, but all Serena could think about was being the professor’s date to some ballet. Once Serena finally got the picture that it was too early for Blair to care about other people’s problems, she left and Chuck poked his head out from under the covers. And look! Just like that, Christmas came early! Even nice, satin sheets get abused with hate sex!

At a “family breakfast” that only consisted of Dan and Rufus, Dan started talking about whether or not Serena was seeing anyone. His dad suggested he just ask her instead of doing something typical, like phoning a friend. Dan realized that was sound advice, and went off with Serena’s professor’s book in hand and left his dad to drink a whole vat of fresh squeezed orange juice by himself because the container it was served in was too big to go back in the refrigerator.

On campus, Chuck and Blair were running around, looking for alleyways to creep into and have sex in…but only under the impression each time they do it is the last time and their hate sex fiasco will finally be concluded. However, just as she got out of her professor’s cab, Serena saw Blair and Chuck emerge out of a shockingly public stairwell and put it together that they were having sex again, despite being so consumed with who is going to babysit her while she interacts with a person she’s not supposed to date and who is cousins with the girl who is secretly planning her downfall. At the same time, Dan walked onto campus just as Serena was getting out of the cab that she shared with the hotshot millionaire who wrote the book he’s already quoting, even though he hasn’t even finished the first chapter.

Since they’d broken up, Nate went over to Juliet’s apartment to drop off some of her old stuff, but the doorman said he hadn’t known of a “Juliet” in the building in all of the eight years he worked there. This sent Nate into a tailspin that resulted in him going over to Dan’s house and telling Vanessa that he believed Juliet was a liar and a jerkoff. Vanessa was very happy to hear that someone finally believed Juliet was evil and that Vanessa wasn’t the one who emailed the Dean and said Serena traded enjoyment of her curtains and carpet for good grades. The two of them devised a plan to catch Juliet in her lies, which involved Nate talking to Juliet on campus while Vanessa went over to her real apartment and searching for something incriminating. While they were chatting, Juliet revealed to Nate that she lied about where she lived to Nate because she really had no money and lived above a bodega and wore clothes that still had the tags on them, and she didn’t think he would like her if he found out she was poor. Nate found her speech charming, and texted Vanessa to tell her that the plan to destroy Juliet was off…but Vanessa had none of it and kept searching for evidence.

When Dan finally cornered Serena, he reminded her that he would have done anything for her when they were dating, and he asked why it seemed like the professor wasn’t putting any effort into their relationship at all. Now, of all the unrealistic things I’ve seen on this show (and there are millions), this is one of my top 5 favorite idiocies. Let me reiterate: on this show, where none of the characters have any REAL problems, REAL needs or REAL values, Dan SINCERELY asked Serena why the PROFESSOR she was “seeing” wasn’t willing to do anything and everything in his power that would mean he’d  legitimately get to be with her. And Serena actually considered Dan’s reasoning! And this scene signified that we, as an audience, were meant to believe that she is worth more than a gold DVD box set of The Mummy trilogy! Granted, the professor is still somehow related to Juliet’s master evil plan, which by default means we’re supposed to be rooting for Serena in this whole thing, but I cannot wrap my striped men’s cardigan around the idea that this plot is expected to make us think the professor is an idiot for not being willing to kill Jennifer Aniston and quit his job at Columbia so he could be with Serena.

Fresh off her conversation with Dan, Serena went to see the professor and told him their whole thing was pointless. He said he didn’t think so and that all they needed was a chance to get away and be with each other, but Serena disagreed because neither one of them was willing to make a sacrifice and that it was just becoming too complicated.

Throughout all this, Chuck wanted to keep having hate sex with Blair, but Blair does not. She asked Dorota to help keep her mind off Chuck, and she did this by drawing Blair a bath and giving her macaroons. Serena told Blair she ended things with the professor…and so it was really weird when he showed up to take Serena to the ballet and tell her that he had quit his teaching job at Columbia. But since Blair needed a date (since she was trying to distance herself from Chuck), she took the professor with her.

When Juliet came back and found Vanessa in her apartment, Juliet revealed that the plan to destroy Serena was off. Vanessa asked why, especially since Juliet already had pictures of Serena kissing the professor, and Juliet said the whole thing would be better if they just forgot about everything. Vanessa let herself out, but not before grabbing a gadget that probably had a pretty big memory full of just the kind of evidence she was looking for.

Serena asked Dan to be her date to the ballet, and as he was admiring her from afar before they were to go in together, Blair walked up and gave the professor to Serena. He then told Serena that he resigned from Columbia and they were free to date like normal people now. They kissed and kickstarted their relationship up again, all while Dan watched and felt like an idiot in his idiot tie.

Also at the ballet, Nate went up to Vanessa and asked her why she was there. Vanessa said she was looking for the Dean because she had Juliet’s pictures of the professor kissing Serena, which would be grounds for expulsion from the University. Nate begged Vanessa not to present the Dean with the pictures, but she explained she wanted to get back at Serena for not believing that it was really Juliet who really sent the email to the Dean that said Serena had sex for money, and not Vanessa.

Just as Vanessa was about to tell the Dean about Serena’s relationship with her professor, Juliet ran over and asked her what she was doing. Vanessa said she was planning to destroy Serena by using the pictures she took, and that in all actuality, Nate was in on the whole plan. Vanessa showed Juliet the text he sent her that said he would take Juliet to coffee while she raided Juliet’s apartment. Realizing the whole group would always choose Serena and that Nate betrayed her, Juliet grabbed the memory card, walked over to the Dean and presented it to her. But to protect her best friend, Blair grabbed the memory card, dropped it in her champagne, and said the one kissing the professor in the pictures was her. She insisted there was no point in doing anything as punishment, since the professor had already resigned from his teaching post, and Chuck corroborated her story and the Dean walked away hating her life because she couldn’t even go to the ballet without a bunch of preppies ruining it.

As Juliet left the ballet, the professor (who’s also her cousin, who pays for her tuition at the University and for her rent) went after her and was shocked to learn that she took pictures of him kissing Serena. He also told her she was completely cut off, which was probably devastating. Then, Chuck, Blair, Serena and Nate went up to her and told her that she needed to leave Columbia, and if they ever saw her again, they would make her life even more difficult than she could ever imagine it to be.

In the limo ride home, Serena apologized to the professor for getting involved with him, and that it was wrong for him to quit teaching for her because the two of them in a relationship didn’t make sense. She asked him what his plans were, and he said he’d be going back into working in the business world. When she got home, Serena called Dan and asked if he wanted to meet up with her, BECAUSE EVERY SECOND COUNTS and she needed help telling her fingers from her toes. As she was waiting downstairs for him to get into Manhattan, Nate walked up to her and told her he couldn’t help but wonder what would have happened between them if they had never met Juliet. Just as Nate was asking her to give him a second chance, Dan pulled up in his taxi from Brooklyn and saw the two of them talking, and could only assume that Serena was about to choose who she wanted to be with. We’ll just have to wait and see. But we shouldn’t hold our breath because someone like the President could just come out of nowhere.