‘Gossip Girl’ Recap: The Undergraduates

S4:E3 It seems just as the school year is starting up for all our favorite college undergraduates, Gossip Girl is nowhere to be found. This doesn’t entirely make sense because she spent the summer doing her blogging and sending her text updates out to the entire city (and two of the most important people even received the texts in Paris!), so why would she suddenly stop? Maybe she finally realized she needed to sell some ad space? Who knows. However, the site did say it was merely “under construction” and not “out of service,” as Serena’s brother Eric pointed out…so chances are, Gossip Girl was merely planning something, away from her post.

Serena and Blair decided to continue their “divide and conquer” strategy (that served them so not well in Paris) at Columbia. They made it their mission to join Hamilton House, which is very exclusive and membership at which is almost impossible to attain because their gift bags consist of blue-eyed huskies and little bobble heads of Coco Chanel, each with some of her real hair that grows if you move her pearl necklace around her neck clockwise. Unfortunately for Serena and Blair, you cannot apply to such an organization – you are selected by an anonymous group of board members, and then you’re indoctrinated or something. So Serena can’t sleep with anyone and Blair can’t blackmail anyone.

Rufus and Lily got a real paternity test on Milo, Dan’s “son” with Georgina, and the results showed he’s not the father. Now I think is the best time for me to say OF COURSE NOT BECAUSE THAT BABY’S SKIN COLOR LOOKS LIKE PRINCE, INSTEAD OF DAN’S “COMET WHITE!” If Dan wasn’t so busy fussing with Milo’s monkey hat and took it off every once in a while, maybe he’d realize Milo’s head looks like he spent the last week lounging by the pool at the Ritz or running across the country four times with Forrest Gump!

Chuck brought his girlfriend, Eva, back to New York and is busy wowing her with elevator buttons and cabs and servants who don’t seem to resent him. Back at Hamilton House, Serena and Blair recognized Penelope, a Constance girl who used to be one of their many “test this honey yogurt to see if the manufacturing company got it wrong and put fatted yogurt in a nonfat container” girls. She directed them to the “keymaster,” who turns out to be Juliet, Nate’s new girlfriend who keeps the tags on her clothes and used Vanessa, Dan, and Nate to show Serena they were all completely over her and not in love with her when she returned from Paris. Juliet gave the membership key to Blair and NOT Serena, and just as that happened, Gossip Girl sent out her first blast, which apologized for being AWOL and posted a picture of Chuck in New York with Eva. She also sent out a picture of Georgina, sunning herself at St. Bart’s.

Blair went shopping with Juliet and ran into Eva, who she promptly dismissed for simply being one of Chuck’s phases, and that if she was planning on attending that night’s ball for Fashion’s Night Out, she should plan on wearing gloves so as to hide her peasant hands. Back at casa de “seriously, whose baby is this, since he seriously isn’t mine because my dad did the blood type logic and I’m too white?” Dan and Vanessa called every resort on the island and couldn’t find her at any of them.

Blair and Serena stood under their clear umbrellas and got into a fight about how Blair broke plans with Serena to go be with Juliet at Hamilton House and have her ego manicured with talks of dating French royalty. Also, Serena pointed out she thought it was odd that Juliet, who was dating Serena’s ex-boyfriend, probably only let Blair into the club as a means of isolating Serena and taking Nate away from her. GO TO CLASS JERKS.

Blair went to confront Juliet about the fact she didn’t get a key, and said she knew Juliet really had more keys to give out, and Blair really didn’t get the last one. Juliet said Blair had called Hamilton House a few days before she and Serena went there and told Juliet that Serena had starred in a sex tape with a guy named Pete, and that she obviously couldn’t become a member under those circumstances. SACREBLEU!

At Fashion’s Night Out, Chuck brought Eva so he could introduce her to Rufus and Lily. However, before Rufus and Lily and Eric arrived, Eric told Rufus that when Jenny was a freshman, he tried to rape her. So when Chuck tried to greet Rufus and Eric, Rufus was about as sour and unforgiving as a Olivia Newton John must have been when she realized her boyfriend faked his own death to get away from her. Rufus told Chuck it was his responsibility to tell every girl he wanted to date what kind of man he really was, and when Eva walked up hoping to be introduced to everyone, Rufus asked if she was his girlfriend and Chuck said something along the lines of “hell no! Look at her nails and her hair follicles! She’s just another social climber!” because he wanted to protect her, presumably.

Also at Fashion’s Night Out, Blair and Serena had an epic fight about Hamilton House and why Blair would go ahead and try and ruin Serena’s chances of getting in. Gossip Girl streamed the whole thing live on her blog (and we still don’t know who she is…how? She’s the one who spent the whole summer having sex with techies to get more bandwidth for her site and shoving a camera in Serena and Blair’s faces). Juliet found out about the live show and plugged it in to a TV, so everyone at the event could see their fight when they wanted a break from looking at the Diane Von Furstenberg dresses. Then, they started pulling at each other’s dresses, and Juliet told her Hanover Holuts they had to save Blair from “that crazy bitch” Serena, and pulled back the curtain to see that Blair and Serena weren’t even fighting at all – instead, they had filmed themselves fighting to trap Juliet in a lie that I really don’t think she told or doing something I really don’t think she did. Don’t get me wrong, Juliet’s crazy, BUT THIS IS FROM SPEED! It was also revealed that Lily knew everyone on the “secret committee,” and informed us that they could interfere if they were informed the keymistress (Juliet) was misbehaving, and that Serena has always been at the top of the list for Hamilton House. Juliet was promptly disbarred from her post

Dan decided to keep Milo just as Georgina came back from “the spa,” and Dan told her he knew she wasn’t at “the spa” and he knew Milo wasn’t really his son. Georgina said he didn’t understand and that she had to leave Milo with him because someone was trying to kill her. She also explained she slept with this Russian guy (Milo’s real and probably darker in complexion father) and got pregnant. His wife found out about Georgina sleeping with her husband and hired three guys named Boris to try and kill her, and she thought it would be best if she made the Russian’s wife believe it wasn’t her husband’s baby and OH MY GOD I WENT TO COLLEGE, so she pawned Milo off on Dan because she knew he’d be decent enough to care for him while she was sorting things out. She ended up taking him back with her to wherever, and Dan had Vanessa move in with him to help him grieve prove stuffed animals can be collegiate.

In the end, Blair and Serena got over their mishaps, and Blair surprised Serena with her own bedroom at her apartment. Eva also moved in with Chuck, and Juliet went to visit some dude in prison who asked her “how things were going.” Does he mean with clipping the tags off her clothes?