‘Gossip Girl’ Recap: War at the Roses

S4:E7 Who’s ready for some more miscommunications between young people!? I am! Because telling my banker I wanted to enroll in direct deposit and then still waiting to receive my paychecks in the mail wasn’t enough for me, so I can’t imagine it was enough for you!

We pick up with Serena getting to know Professor Colin more over coffee and those brown chairs people put in their offices that never get comfortable, no matter how many people sit in them. They are still continuing to wait until the semester is over before they date or have sex, and it was clear their academic brains were slowly becoming more and more vulnerable to their human instincts.

Serena and Nate hired a stenographer and brought Chuck and Blair together in hopes of ending the Waldorf/Bass war. Pupils of private schools, everyone: unafraid to pool their resources and deprive some appointed official their trusted stenographer for an hour to create a treaty for their quarrelsome friends that results in an “excommunication” (or loss of the entire group’s friendship) if broken.

While Blair was preparing for her birthday party that night, Dan and Eric started planning a gathering in honor of Lily and Rufus’ special occasion because the newlyweds decided they didn’t want to celebrate without Jenny in town, who was apparently back in Hudson and studying for a test she was to take on a Saturday. Dan and Eric decided to ask Chuck to help in getting Jenny back in the city so the happy couple could celebrate their first anniversary properly, and with everyone in attendance. They were going to give Chuck a reason to be angry and break the treaty so he’d want to get revenge on Blair by bringing Jenny back to New York to drive Blair insane AND help Lily and Rufus celebrate their anniversary.

Juliet used Gossip Girl to find out what route Serena would be taking on her way to class so she could casually catch her bringing a first edition book to Colin’s office in hopes of getting Serena to talk about who it’s for. Per her routine, Juliet promised not to tell anyone of Serena’s crush, and per Serena’s routine, she idiotically blurted her plans to the person who is working day and night to make sure a future Law and Order: SVU episode is about her. Juliet “innocently” asked the question of if Colin was as willing as Serena was to put the physical stuff on hold for a few more weeks, which was meant to send Serena’s head spinning with worries that he’s not so inclined to hold off his urges. And just as Serena arrived at Colin’s house to give her gift to him, she saw him escorting some other woman out of a cab and up to his apartment. But it turned out to be his housekeeper who’s having some hard luck with her modeling career, so Colin always pays her cab fare when she comes to his house.

When Dan went over to Nate and Chuck’s apartment and tried to implement his plan of having Chuck bring Jenny back to the city, he found Chuck and Blair getting along after they added an amendment to the treaty that said it would never be broken or whatever. Blair then invited both Dan and Chuck to her birthday party that night, which apparently isn’t a violation of the treaty. I guess the section meant for event attendance went to like nut saltage, or something.

Serena called Juliet and told her that Colin was, in fact, waiting like he said he was, and that Juliet was wrong in insinuating that he wasn’t. Then she asked Juliet if she would be her “buffer” at Blair’s party because she didn’t trust herself alone with Colin, especially in front of the Dean (who has nothing better to do than attend a girl’s 20th birthday party, naturally). But later, Serena ran into Nate, who offered to be her “buffer” instead of Juliet because he didn’t want to run into her since they’d broken up.

Now that Juliet was no longer needed by Serena, she got Colin (Serena’s professor, you’ll recall) to get her in to Blair’s party. Nate saw the two of them just before they went their separate ways inside, and once Serena noticed Colin was finally present, she told Nate to help distract her. Once he passed off his duties to Lily and Rufus, Nate followed Blair into the kitchen for some good alcohol and the two of them saw Colin and Juliet talking about how Juliet had been going to see Ben in prison (that apparently was not part of the plan that they cheers-ed to over a check last episode). Nate thought Colin was Ben, the guy Juliet left him for, but Blair recognized him for who he really was – Serena’s boyfriend. Are you confused? Yeah. Someone explain to me the specifics of achieving the color scheme in the newest Rihanna video. I think it’d be easier.

Nate went up to Juliet and confronted her about who that guy was that she arrived with, she told him Colin was her cousin and they didn’t want anyone to know because he’s a professor and she’s a student. (But that’s not why! Even though Colin really is her cousin, they don’t want anyone to know about their relation because they are both plotting Serena’s downfall and stardom in the gutter of a waffle house somewhere!) Nate said he knew Colin was also Serena’s boyfriend. Juliet left in a tizzy and went out into the dining room to find some girl playing a video of Blair singing karaoke, drunk, in Stolkholm. Blair confronted the girl who showed the clip and she said some guy called her and asked her to bring something embarrassing Blair did because it was actually a roast, and not a birthday party. Blair assumed Chuck placed the call and went to yell at him. Chuck told Blair he had nothing to do with the video, but she didn’t believe him. Then Dan came up from behind them and said Chuck and Blair deserved what they got because they made Jenny so afraid of coming back into the city.

After everyone left Blair’s house, she found Chuck downstairs and he told her that he still hated her and that the treaty was off. Then they had sex on the piano. Which, incidentally, proves treaties are useless and it’s better to just have sex with your enemy if you really want to get anywhere. If anyone cared enough to read more about Thomas Jefferson’s private life and less about his clear writing strengths, I’m sure we’d find he’d been a supporter of that tactic a long time ago. Jefferson could have told us that.