‘Hawaii Five-0’ Recap: Loa Aloha

S01E18: Let’s get one thing straight: Dane Cook is a smug, pompous asshole. And let’s get another thing straight: Dane Cook played a smug, pompous asshole on Hawaii Five-0 and you know what? It kind of worked.

“I hope you had a chance to say goodbye” -The Killer

Really, we have nothing else to talk about this week. The main story? BORING. Any gratuitous product placements? Besides the app that is able to analyze tire tracks INSTANTANEOUSLY, nope. Stunts? Well, we got a basic car explosion (and how AWESOME is TV that we are now bored by EXPLOSIONS?) and someone falling off a zip line, but was it a motorcycle up a staircase? Again, nope. And they didn’t even have the decency to give us Grace Park in a bikini. The bastards.

So we’re left with Dane Cook. Now Cook and Scott Caan have pretty great chemistry together. I’d almost say I’d rather see Caan and Cook over Caan and Alex O’Loughlin simply because Cook isn’t a block of wood. Seriously, if Dane Cook can show you how to be emotional — you need to express yourself better McGarrett. Which means we had some decent riffing between the three of them.

“Who’s the greatest uncle in the whole wide world?” – Dane Cook (Unfortunately)

But was it enough to save the episode? Not even close. You’ve got your basic ex-con gets out only to see his own felon of a son murdered in the chow line story. Actually, that makes the guy too evil. His son was sent to jail to be made an example of after he was stopped for a DUI. So we sympathize with the guy! He starts trying to take out the children of the judge, DA, and pro bono lawyer that landed his son in jail. Blah, blah, blah they chase after him and they catch him before he blows up the pro bono lawyer’s kid’s backpack.

That was boring so Dane Cook had to spice things up with an FBI investigation for… money laundering? Embezzlement? Hedge Fund? I’m not even sure, they just kept throwing out money words and I trust that it made sense. I’m not an accountant, I write about TV for a living. It’s not even that important, you just need to know that he was in serious trouble. Serious enough that he ran away on a private jet with a metal suitcase in hand. ‘Cause you can’t really run off to a foreign land without your metal briefcase. I swear the metal briefcase demographic has to be evil business men. Who else would have a need for one?

“What’s with the third degree Magnum?” – Dane Cook

Anyway, Danno felt conflicted and bothered because family is important which CBS feels compelled to remind you of every week. McGarrett sends the feds off on the wrong trail and Danno has enough time to run out to the airport and talk his brother out of fleeing. He can’t get the gate open so he has to point his gun through a chain link fence but Dane Cook gets in the plane despite Danno’s superior debate skills.

This can only mean one thing: we’ll eventually get more Dane Cook. Hooray? For now let’s just focus on the present, or rather, the future. Diddy Dirty Cash Money P.! H50 obviously threw all their hopes for this episode on Dane Cook, so let this be a lesson. You can’t rely solely on the guest star, H50! You gotta keep up the product placements and insane stunts! How cool would it have been to seen Dane Cook thrown through a window? Really cool — that’s how cool. At least, and I mean at the VERY least, give us Grace Park in a bikini. K, thanks!