‘How I Met Your Mother’ Recap: Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Barney Stinson

Neil Patrick Harris, How I Met Your MotherRon P. Jaffe/Fox

This week’s episode of How I Met Your Mother offers up a few interesting tidbits about our pal Barney Stinson. Long swathed in mystery, Barney found himself embraced by a new level of drunk: “truth serum drunk.” Desperate to unmask the pathological nutjob, Barney’s best friend and fiancee took advantage of his intoxication to finally seize the honest answers to the many questions they have long held (oh, what healthy relationships). So, here’s what we now know about Barney, in ascending order of intrigue value…

-He split a cab once
-His “Triple X-Ray” goggles do not actually work
-He has especially long ear hair
-He buys dehydrated doves in Chinatown
-He always carries sexual stimulants with him
-His genitalia measures to 6 and 3/64 inches
-He has had sex in Ted’s bed 14 times (this was actually an unprovoked revelation)
-He slept with four women in one night
-He slept with three women in the same family
-He spends “a crapload” on suits, and makes 16 craploads a year
-Has slept with two of the following former Secretaries of State, but not while they were in office: Madeline Albright, Condoleezza Rice, and/or Hillary Clinton
-Robin’s family is massively rich (she’s worth about 600 craploads… not a truth about Barney, but interesting nonetheless)
-Made out with Ted’s mother, and tried to take things to “second base” before getting rejected
-He attended the Magicians Institute of Teaneck (where he aced the Advanced Card Tricks test)
-His job is to “Provide Legal Exculpation and Sign Everything” (P.L.E.A.S.E.) for his duplicitous company, which he has been doing since 1998 all the while conspiring with the federal government as a long-term plan to get revenge on his boss, the very many who stole his girlfriend so many years ago

One mystery that remains: the true identity (and species) of Trevor Hudson, Barney’s so-called ring bear(er). But we’ll find that out soon enough.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the hotel, Marshall and Lily engage in a shockingly raw, cruel, and humorless back-and-forth, in which each party bares teeth and maliciously attacks the other for accounts of selfishness. Lily castigates Marshall for his duplicity, and Marshall digs up old hostility about Lily’s San Francisco bout (not healthy to hold onto this sort of thing, chief). The story concludes with Lily hopping into a dark car with an unidentified party… we’re betting it’s her father, finally coming through in the clutch, mostly because we can’t think of anybody else who’d be interesting enough for Lily to run away with in the night. But again, we’ll find out soon enough.

Oh, and as for a couple more revelations, we have Ted’s childrens’ names: Penny (the girl, who is older), and Luke (natch).