It has been said that life often imitates art, and nobody has ever taken that philosophy more seriously than the Union Wine Company did when they decided to take some inspiration from the Gang at Paddy’s Pub and develop wine that comes in cans. Although they claim to simply want to be at the forefront of the upcoming trend of “the beerification of wine,” Uproxx wisely pointed out that they had probably just watched It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and decided to make one of their less insane schemes a reality.
So, in honor of the Union Wine Company, we’ve picked five of the Gang’s other inventions that should never, ever be made in real life. We’re just trying to look out for humanity.
Probably the Gang’s most famous invention, Kitten Mittons are a comfortable, elegant mitten for cats that keep them from making too much noise all the time or clawing at your furniture. Although, like all Sunny fans, we would love to actually own a pair of Kitten Mittons, they seem to cause more damage to the cats than the cats could ever possibly cause to the furniture, not to mention the damage the cat will likely inflict on any owner that tries to force them to wear mittens. The good news, though, is that the Gang’s lawyer owns the rights to manufacture Kitten Mittons, and since he refuses to ever market them, felines of the world are safe for now.
Paddy’s Brand “Shot”Gun
When it came time for the Gang to develop merchandise for Paddy’s Pub, they were full of bad ideas, but perhaps no idea was more terrible or dangerous than Frank’s “shot”gun, which would allow customers to do a shot of liquor out of an actual gun. In the process of development, Frank even attempted to find a way to mix gunpowder into the liquor so that it would shoot out of the barrel like a bullet. Not only is this possibly the dumbest and most terrifying invention that the Gang has ever come up with, we’re pretty sure than anyone who attempted to actually manufacture a “shot”gun would be put on some kind of government watch list. Besides, alcohol and bullets is essentially just a recipe for trouble.
The Rat Stick
As the janitor of Paddy’s Pub, one of Charlie’s responsibilities is to keep the bar’s basement free of rats, a task he accomplishes with a baseball bat covered in chains and sharp spikes that he uses to beat the animals to death. Although Charlie finds it an effective way of getting rid of the colony of rats that have taken over the basement, anyone who attempted to sell a similar product in real life would probably be protested by PETA before the Rat Stick made it into stores. There’s also no real way to avoid an unfortunate accident if you choose to keep a Rat Stick in your home, as Charlie is literally the only person in the world both reckless enough to use it and experienced enough to handle it properly. So, if you do have a rat problem, avoid becoming a danger to yourself and everyone around you and just call an exterminator.
Invented by Charlie and Mac, Fight Milk is the only alcoholic, dairy-based protein drink designed for bodyguards, by “bodyguards,” with ingredients like a crow’s egg, milk, and alcohol. According to the commercial that the guys make, it’s designed to make you “fight like a crow” and send your profits soaring “high as a crow,” but it seems as if drinking it will just make you horrifically ill. And call us crazy, but wouldn’t the presence of alcohol cancel out any sort of “health benefits” that the other ingredients are supposed to provide? We commend the guys for attempting to break into the lucrative fitness market, but they were probably better off leaving this one to the pros.
Proving that there is nothing the Gang can’t make alcoholic, a Rum Ham is essentially a ham that has been soaked in 90-proof rum so that people can finally eat their drinks — which means someone out there is has been trying to market for years now. Of all of the ideas on this list, Rum Ham is probably the most likely to follow in the footsteps of canned wine and become a reality, but there’s something about eating a rum-soaked ham that has been left out in the sun that makes our stomachs turn. However, we’re sure that if it ever does get made, someone will probably manage to convince a cast member of Jersey Shore to endorse it as the ultimate guido-approved party snack.