‘Jersey Shore’ Recap: Back Into The Fold

S2:E13 In between all the commercials for Paranormal Activity 2 (where a baby gets dragged around in his crib by nothing) and Skins (MTV’s dirty and strobe light interpretation of the hit British TV series), there was the season finale of Jersey Shore. But the only thing that made it a finale was the fact that something else will air in its time slot next week — the same kind of stuff took place that we’ve been seeing the whole season: The Situation stole two girls who were interested in Vinny, Ronnie and Sammi fought over why they’re together, and “fakeness” was debated. Seriously, the only reason this was the thirteenth episode was because those Skins kids have been practicing the moves to Lady Gaga’s “Beautiful, Dirty, Rich” video and are entitled to some screen time.

The episode started off with the cast taking a day trip and riding on one of those boats that’s propelled by a fan through a swamp and right between an alligator’s nostrils. The alligator came up to the boat and started looking at all of them like they were barbecued corndogs… the kind that all the critters reminisce about when they’re traveling down Mr. Gator’s colon together. When they were finished experiencing the swamp they started the boat and motored back to land, where they promptly rushed to a restaurant and ate frog legs. Driving back to Miami though, The Situation threw them up.

Vinny and Pauly D. wanted to meet up with their girlfriends one last time before they had to leave Miami. Pauly’s lady came on time, no problem. But Vinny’s girlfriend, Ramona, finally arrived about an hour late for their date. On Sammi and Ronnie’s dinner date, Sam asked him if he thought they could “get through anything.” Ronnie said he thought they already had. Sammi commented on how things had been weird recently, and Ronnie knew better than to respond to that because then she’d accuse him of holding grudges and shying away from dealing with their problems. Sammi tried to make it clear that she wanted to be with her boyfriend “at all times,” which makes it curious that she’d enter into such a committed relationship with someone she met on an MTV reality show. Ronnie refused to take the blame for ruining the night, and Sammi did that thing where she shakes her head quickly but subtly and combs her eyebrows with her pointer finger to convey that she doesn’t care.

Back at the house, Ronnie and Sammi continued their fight under the palm trees, and Vinny finally had to interject and tell them everyone was waiting for them to stop fighting so they could go to the club. Once they got there and were standing at the bar together, Sammi asked Ronnie why he was with her AND HE FINALLY SHUT HER UP BY TELLING HER HE LOVED HER. I can’t believe we just watched the two of them fight this whole season and as a result, we got a fraction of the fraction we were supposed to get of our Snooki. Think about it: even Sammi and Ronnie’s fights are boring! I’d seriously rather watch a documentary on Kathy Lee Gifford.

Once things were hitting up at the club, two skanky girls approached Vinny and told him they wanted to have a threesome. But he was fresh off his grand date with Ramona, so he declined (he also declined because they were the type of girls that would think they could try out for a 50 Cent video just because their pretty friend was doing it). While Vinny was telling Pauly how he thought he shouldn’t participate in the tri-sex, The Situation swooped in and ushered them into the bathroom stall with him. Once he emerged, cameras caught him stuffing his shirt back into his pants…which just means they must have draped their hair over his abs to see if they’d ever be able to revive those little talking chicken mcnuggets from McDonald’s and get them to go back to starring in commercials again.

The next night, Snooki cooked dinner for everyone. She asked Sammi to help her, but because Sammi was so proud of herself for working things out with Ronnie and would much rather stay in the hot tub with him, she said she wasn’t interested. The Situation then came outside and told Sammi that Snooki was talking smack about her in the kitchen for not helping her, so Sammi went to help Snooki dress, toss, and plate the evening’s condescension.

After dinner, everyone played that game where they picked a piece of paper out of a bowl and they have to answer a question about who they thought did something the most, or least, or best, or worst during the time they’d spent in Miami. When the question of “who was the biggest follower?” came up, The Situation answered Vinny because last year in Seaside, he didn’t GTL, but in Miami, he did. Then a fight erupted between Vinny and The Situation about how spray tanning is the worst kind of tanning (seeing as it’s a spray and comes off in the shower), and I would have really been able to invest something in the argument if it was about whether or not Wii Fit is legitimate exercise. But JWoww broke it up by saying in actuality, Mike was the fakest. Mike exploded because JWoww’s comment must have meant someone was talking shit about him behind his back, and we went down that slide sitting on a potato sack once again (what is that, two potato references?).

Once everyone went outside, Snooki told JWoww that The Situation, Pauly and Vinny wanted to say she was the fakest one in the house. Why does this matter?! Batteries still don’t last longer if you keep them in the refrigerator! That’s a more pressing issue! So JWoww took The Situation into the smash room and asked if what she heard was true. He asked her who told her that and she said Pauly, even though it was Snooki and NOT Pauly. And, I mean, if I can buy CLUE on my iPhone, you should be able to send your kid to a camp where they can practice their reasoning skills by watching this and trying to keep up with this crap. So then everyone went outside again and got upset that they heard different things than what was actually said to them. Pauly then attacked Snooki for telling JWoww that he said she was fake, and Snooki said that wasn’t what she said. Pardon me while I calm myself down by joyfully hotwiring an animatronic.

After everyone agreed there was nothing to fight about anymore, they went to sleep. The next morning, they got up and had breakfast while they packed up their things. And then they all left the house. It was sad, but it felt good. So even though we’ll miss these guys, the third season premieres on January 6th! That’s more than enough time to lose the lingo and get ourselves employable again.