‘Jersey Shore’ Recap: Back to the Shore

S2:E14 Because Jersey girls are a lot “easier” than Miami girls, the cast of the Jersey Shore ventured back to their Italian flag emblazoned house in Seaside Heights in the second half of the second season last night, where the group is to continue to convince women they’re not topless when they are. The highlight of last night was meeting Deena, one of Snooki’s random friends who will serve as Angelina’s permanent replacement participate Jenni and Snooki’s plans to break Sammi and Ronnie up. Surprisingly (OR BECAUSE THEY’RE TOO OLD FOR THIS), not that much happened last night. They didn’t even go out to a club! But let me use the quotes of the episode to guide you through what happened in case you missed it.

“Who’s here? Whorebag?” – Sammi

Sammi and Ronnie were the first to arrive at the house and got first choice of rooms. When Jenni showed up shortly after they designated the bedroom with the three beds on the second floor as theirs, Sammi and Ronnie weren’t too pleased when they heard Jenni coming up the stairs. They hadn’t spoken to her since the stint in Miami ended, and in the heat of Sammi and Ronnie’s coupled existence, they now refer to Jenni as “whorebag” because she never apologized to Sammi for informing her that Ronnie was motorboating waitresses and licking genital juice off of stripper poles. Not knowing anyone was in the house, Jenni went upstairs to see if she could sleep there. Once she found Sammi already in her desired bedroom, she let out an “ugh” that was comparable to the sound a gorilla makes when an infant falls into its enclosure and the gorilla knows it’s going to have to deal with it eventually.

“If Deena were a holiday, she’d be Thanksgiving because she’s got a lot to give and she’s ready for stuffing.” – The Situation

The Situation was the last to arrive at the house, which meant that he was forced to take the last bed available, which was the third one in Sammi and Ronnie’s room. His despair quickly vanished when later on that night, while on a break from flippy cup, Deena enlisted The Situation to help her find her hat in her room. He agreed to assist in the efforts and when Deena found it and put it on her head, she said she looked much better in it if it was the only thing she was wearing, so she slipped out of her bikini and twirled around for The Situation while he sat on her bed in shock. But only because he’d never seen someone fully and completely and totally naked before, as they’re usually in some of his ‘jams.

“You’re going to hook up with grenades but you can’t hook up with me? Seriously?” – Snooki

Snooki was pissed with Vinny because he slept with her best friend Ryder after Snooki told him she had feelings for him. When Vinny was in the hot tub with her and Deena, he flirted with Deena by asking about what it’s like to be a dental assistant right in front of Snooki and this made her furious. Frustrated and not understanding why she could only have Vinny once, she exited the hot tub and promised to have nothing to do with him if he hooked up with Deena. It’s sad she doesn’t realize that he won’t hook up with her because she’s NOT a grenade.

Also, can I just take this time to say that at what was probably 11:30, EVERYONE WAS IN BED! Except for the new girl, Deena, who ran up the stairs and tried to get Mike to cuddle with her in his bed. Sammi started to laugh and Deena didn’t take kindly to that, and Deena told Sammi she officially had a problem with her. While this was going on, Snooki waited at the foot of the stairs eating Fritos in a robe BECAUSE ALL OF THIS IS OLD HABIT NOW.

“She’s like a c*** in a bag.” – Deena

Between sipping out of a liter bottle of Cherry Coke, Snooki listened as Deena called Sammi a c*** and of how Sammi laughed at her when she tried to cuddle with The Situation, since they’re clearly involved now. Deena continued that she hopes Sammi rots in hell and when The Situation came downstairs, he told Deena she was audacious and nominated her for Rookie of the Year Award for calling Sammi out. Vinny, the supposed future graduate of Yale Law School, asked what “audacious” meant. Deena told everyone she thought it was lame that Sammi spent the whole night cuddling with Ronnie upstairs, and once he heard his name, Ronnie put that Xenadrine endorsement to use, ran downstairs and told Deena not to talk about Sammi that way and the only thing in the house that was able to walk in and automatically get respect was the Scarface poster.

“Even though we’re tiny bitches, I don’t give a shit. I will fuckin’ attack you like a squirrel monkey.” – Snooki

Snooki stepped up to defend Deena and she called Sammi the biggest fucking bitch she’d ever met and that she didn’t understand how she had friends. Then they rehashed all the stuff that happened down in Miami. Sammi turned to Ronnie and asked if he thought Snooki was fake, which he said he did because he gets to put his penis in her vagina, and then Snooki, in the infinite wisdom that helped her dye her hair red while driving home from Miami, fabricated the story that Ronnie’s mother calls her every week and asks why her son is with that kind of a skank. Ronnie said nothing, which meant he fell for it, which meant it sounded like something she’d do…which means Snooki’s next trick will be adding carbonation to water.

The episode closes with Jenni questioning Ronnie’s sexuality after he called Snooki fake, and Sammi taking a swing at Jenni, which someone intervenes and tries to break up. ARE WE BACK OR ARE WE BACK.