‘Jersey Shore’ Recap: Deja Vu All Over Again

S2:E12 We’re really coming into the home stretch of the second season of Jersey Shore, and unfortunately for The Situation, he’s not getting the chance to enjoy any unprotected horizontal chips and salsa. Last episode, we saw him try and get with Vinny’s girlfriend while he was in the bathroom, only to be vanquished back to his area of the couch when Vinny returned to rightfully claimed his tramp with a stamp. But in this episode, The Sitch got absolutely no play. He did manage to recreate the fort from The Sixth Sense with one girl, though.

The episode started with The Situation going into Snooki’s room and apologizing for the way he acted last episode, when he was trying to round everyone up at the club to go home and went off on Snooki for not wanting to leave just yet. So true to his form, he climbed on top of her while she was cuddling in bed and thrust his Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade-sized muscles into her pouf and said he was sorry for trying to make out with her after no one else would. She giggled and accepted the apology because her slippers are fluffy sneakers.

Once Snooki’s friend Ryder from home left, she had a tiny meltdown out in the courtyard because she was homesick, even though she was going to be back home in a week. JWoww also started to cry because Snooki was crying, and she realized she’d never be able to get through the Jersey Shore experience without Snooki (in my head, it’s more like “SNOOOOKI,” which is how the guy at the gelato shop says it). Anyway, the two of them cried under the palm trees that Angelina used to cry under, which washed any last traces of the “Staten Island Ferry” deep into the Astroturf, which is completely artificial, just like Angelina’s tears, and it was like John Irving was hiding behind the bushes orchestrating everything.

The Situation and Pauly D. went to get haircuts, and when he was in the chair, The Situation started giving us the O.K. to take his witticisms and put them into fortune cookies. He said treasures like, “If you’re lookin’ good, you feelin’ good. If you feelin’ good, you get good results.” Can you imagine if you were at a Halloween party and just binged on a bunch of cheese doodles and then decided to open up a fortune cookie to see if you would finally be able to kick the habit and replace it with Slim Jims, and you got that fortune? You’d kick off your Charlie Chaplin costume and fill out an application to work for Donald Trump!

To cheer Snooki up, JWoww and Pauly decided to take everyone to Space, a club that’s always filled with boys of various shapes and spirit animals that Snooki happens to enjoy. JWoww put on what remained of one of Freddy Mercury’s costumes that she convinced her home ec teacher to let her borrow. Everyone was having fun until two people started screaming at Snooki, who was then defended by The Situation, which lead to them all being asked to leave the club because The Situation was the cement truck to the offending guy’s toy Tonka and the fight was deemed unfair before it even started.

On his way into the cab, Pauly grabbed two girls: one for him and one for The Situation. They didn’t even give the girls a tour of the house once they got there – they just ushered them each into a bed and started pawing at them, in hopes that would make them realize, “hey, it’s 4 AM, I might as well stay awake until the cab company opens.” But soon enough, Pauly’s girl told The Situation not to be fooled by his girl’s outfit, because she really doesn’t drink or hook up with anybody…ever. IMMEDIATELY, The Situation threw the covers off him and the girl and told her to go wait in the other room while her more adventurous friend wore her red dress correctly by taking it off. The Situation took his girl outside, gave her a Vitamin water, and told her to sit on the couch because he should have brought home an easier girl and now he wanted to sleep and think about how to choose better next time. But she wandered back into the room and her friend (who was in Pauly’s bed) felt bad so they both decided to leave. Pauly D. was really upset because he’d been The Situation’s wingman so many times, and The Situation couldn’t even do it once for him.

The next night, The Situation cooked a nice dinner and tried to excuse the fact he put a hot pan under the sink was because he was multitasking so much. Smoke went everywhere, the fire alarm went off, and it turned out that all of Miami’s finest gorilla guidos have been hiding in the firehouses and wearing the pants of firemen! After everyone enjoyed dinner, they all moved to the couch, where Vinny said he and Pauly were excited to come to Miami because they knew they would meet lots of exotic women. Then, Ronnie turned to Sammi and said, “you look Asian…I like it.” He then tried to cuddle with her, which Sammi rejected because Ronnie’s ex-girlfriend was Asian, and that indicated to her he wished she was Asian…I think. Ronnie went outside to talk to her about the offending comment, but instead he said the problem in their relationship was that he was able to let things go, whereas she hangs on to the things he says that bothers her. He then tried to get her to give him some credit for helping her deal with Snooki and JWoww’s note to her, which seemed to surprise her because she didn’t remember him doing anything but the actions that the note described.

Inside the house, Snooki and JWoww made a chart to see if everyone in the house had swapped spit as a result of them all hooking up with each other. They had, obviously. But sometimes it was confusing! JWoww was like, “If Snooki hooked up with Mike, Paul and Vinny, that means all of them have hooked up too!” Up, a position just freed up in the governor’s office, JWoww!

The next day, The Situation and Pauly D. went for a GTL session and ended up getting their car towed. That night, they brought home two girls from Canada, who they thought were willing to sleep with them. But when The Situation talked about (pardon, aboot) getting in the hot tub naked, they started to lose interest and the girl who was meant for him revealed she had a fiancé and she was going to have to leave. Pauly said that was fine because he knew that his girl could stay, but then The Situation told them both had to leave because he wasn’t going to get laid and Pauly was. But hey – not everyone’s offered a lollypop after they get a shot at the doctor’s office!