‘Jersey Shore’ Recap: Drunk Punch Love

S2:E18 If I decided to run for mayor today, my platform would have two prongs – one would be that eggs should be bigger because they’re never filling unless you put tons of shit in them, and the other would be that last night’s episode of Jersey Shore was the greatest thing since the 80s, where people got up early in the morning, walked over to their local fitness center, and entered themselves in a jazzercise competition. I’m serious – last night’s Jersey Shore was a game changer so stop talking about things that don’t matter, like The Office and Parks and Recreation. THOSE SHOWS ARE SNOOTY. They’re written by people who think they’re better than you, and who are only funny because they’ve purchased those coffee machines that have their own commercials of the machines acting as cute little robot slaves that make 8 cups of coffee and smile. Who writes Jersey Shore? FUCKING NO ONE. Last night’s episode was better than anything, and in case you missed it because you sold out and became NBC’s alley whore, here’s what happened.

Want me to bring her over? She’ll show you her c-section.” – Ronnie

The episode was mainly about Ronnie and Sammi. It all started when everyone went out to Karma, and Sammi saw Ronnie talking to some other girl… or SOSDD as my stepdad would say. Naturally, she went up to him and asked him who the girl was. He said it was some guy’s girlfriend, and that he could prove it to Sammi by having her come back over and lift up her shirt to reveal the spot on her body where another human was excised. Sammi didn’t think that was necessary at the moment, but when they got back to the house, another argument started because Sammi was drunk and said Ronnie might as well just tell her everything he did with other girls. She also said he didn’t love her. When she went downstairs to get some pizza, Ronnie snapped and took all her clothes from out of the closet and threw them on the floor. Sammi was so drunk that when she got upstairs with a slice for Ronnie, she didn’t even see what he had done to her things and simply offered him some food. Ronnie was laughing and laughing at how Sammi didn’t notice anything different about the room, and when he pointed it out to her, Sammi said it wasn’t cool. Ronnie went downstairs and let her pack her things by herself. ARE THEY GOING TO GET MARRIED AND HAVE LEMON TARTS ON SUNDAYS OR WHAT.

What is this, Romeo and Juliet? With the Capulets and the fuckin’ whatever? – Vinny

Other than Sammi and Ronnie, everyone else who was at the club had fun. Pauly D, The Situation and Vinny all brought girls back to the house. Vinny’s lady was particularly pretty and compared to her, the other two girls who were at the house were grenades. Per Jersey Shore protocol, Vinny whipped out a vuvuzela and blew it to alert everyone in Seaside Heights of the fact the Jersey Shore house had been infiltrated by ladies who someone should come and rescue before they continued on their mission to save Private Ryan. After the horn was blown, two men walked up the stairs and right on to the porch. Nobody recognized who they were because they were in the deathly age range of 50. Suddenly, one of the guys identified himself as Vinny’s girl’s uncle, and that he was here to rescue her from obvious clear and present danger. Vinny admitted he had to respect family ties and everything, but that it was not fair for some girl’s uncle to come into his house and remove his home entertainment system like that.

While Sammi was upstairs packing her things and getting ready to leave the house, Ronnie was downstairs crying on the couch, looking like a little boy who killed his bird from giving it neck massages. Jenni, LIKE THE AMAZING GRACE THAT SHE IS, went over to him and tried to console him by telling him that she and Snooki only wrote the note so that Sammi would leave the house and he could try and be happier. Eventually she got him to feel better, and took him outside to get a breather. After a while, Sammi leaned over the balcony that was outside her room and looked down onto the porch. She saw Ronnie and Jenni having a talk, with Jenni hugging Ronnie, and she perceived this as the ultimate betrayal because Jenni was the only one in the house she hated since the day the group arrived back in Seaside. She rushed downstairs and started screaming like she had lost gold grill in the gorilla enclosure Ronnie was an unhelpful zookeeper. She kept asking and asking if he was friends with Jenni now, and when he finally nodded his head, Sammi punched him in the face but right where there’s nothing significant because every time she goes to the gym she just walks on the treadmill.

I’ve given you plenty of chances to make things better, and you have. Can you give me a chance to make things better? – Sammi

After Sammi punched Ronnie, she called her mother and told her to come get her the next morning because she wanted to go home. Then she went upstairs to finish packing her things. The rest of the housemates went upstairs with her too, and they tried to convince her not to leave because it’s not like she’s been the main cause of turmoil for the past year or anything. Sammi maintained that she really was leaving despite everyone’s efforts to convince her to stay. The next morning, Sammi and Ronnie cuddled in bed, and she asked him for forgiveness and if he would let her stay to try and work things out. He nodded because he’s a fucking idiot.

‘Cause he said it was cleaned out in the Jacuzzi. – The Barber

So the fight’s over, and the show’s producers have to fill roughly seven more minutes of the show. They decided that since we were bombarded with a surprise showing of Sybil, we deserved to have some fun. So cameras followed The Situation, Vinny, Ronnie and Pauly D to the barbershop, where things happen, you know. Hair gets cut and information is exchanged. This time, the information that was shared was that Dean wanted Deena to give him a blowjob, but she didn’t want to so she came up with a compromise – that she would lick his asshole instead. Dean reportedly agreed to this because he said the powerful currents in the Jacuzzi had disinfected it and made it a suitable venture for Deena to take on. Later that day at the gym, The Situation told Deena what he heard she did and Deena was completely disgusted, and then pretended like she was so prim and proper that she’d never even swallowed a piece of gum before. The episode ended with Jenni and Sammi at the club waiting for drinks at the bar and apologizing to each other, but not specifically citing any incidents because God forbid anyone be able to start watching this show without seeing previous episodes.