‘Jersey Shore’ Season 2: Goin’ South
I feel sorry for all the people who had babies last night because they missed the premiere of Jersey Shore! I mean, people keep telling me babies are miracles and everything, but do you know what’s an even bigger miracle? The portable camera because it captures the complete and total essences of the world, like Ronnie’s aggression, Snooki when she’s sucking on pickles, and Sammi thinking she’ll disappear when she’s making out with someone if she shields their interlocked tongues from view. All the fabulous memories came flooding back to us last night, and the best part is, Jersey Shore will never get older, or married, or refuse to bring its kids over because you still use the grill that burned it when it was a kid. None of that! And last night’s premiere reminded us how much of a fantastical creature it really is: even more fantastical than a pie that takes 9 months to bake.
The premiere began by reminding us how much the gang “killed it” in Jersey by mashing up all the clips of Snooki doing backflips without wearing any underwear and all the guys doing fist pumps at the club, where the tattoos on their ribcages were moving every which way and looked like the holograms on every Salt poster. Then, we were thrown into Snooki’s home, quite the sanctimonious territory, where she asked how many meatballs her amazing gorilla juicehead boyfriend, Emilio, wanted on his paper plate and complained how Obama has put a 10% tax on tanning so she’s now spray tanning herself. She also makes the somewhat valid point that if Obama were white, he wouldn’t tax tanning because he’d want to be tan.
After Snooks miraculously put all her leopard and zebra print bags into a monstrous SUV and slid the driver’s seat so close to the wheel that she can almost steer with her chin, she drove to JWoww’s house to pick her up. The two decided to road trip it down to Miami, and they were hoping to get to the house first before the guys did. We then flash into Pauly D’s SUV, and watch as he drove to Staten Island to pick up THE SITUATION. On the way there, he contemplated how amazing the topless beaches would be and needless to say, THAT’S THE WAY TO PASS SOME TIME!
Then we were taken against our will to somewhere called Hazlet where we found Sammi in a bar with her friends, who announced that she’s single and ready to skip the mingling. She explained it wasn’t working out with Ronnie so they both decided to be single. After that, we’re naturally brought back to the Bronx to find Ronnie and his friends drinking and talking about “double bagging it,” but it’s not the kind you ask the grocery store clerk to do when you’ve bought three bottles of two-liter sodas. We also saw Vinny eating with his family, and watched his uncles elbow him under the table because they’re jealous their mistresses don’t look as good as the girls in Miami do. Oh, and Angelina was back, trying to recover from making the worst decision on the planet by leaving the show and going back to her boyfriend who was married to someone else.
On the way to Miami, the Sitch and Pauly D bought some fireworks in South Carolina and set them off, but they got their SUV stuck in the mud and had to call AAA. Pauly ruined his new sneakers, which greatly displeased him, but if he knew Snooki was over in Georgia eating fried pickles and pumping her own gas with JWoww, he’d probably feel a little bit better.
The Situation and Pauly D were the first to arrive at the house so they chose their rooms first. Then, in walked little Angelina, with her shorts so short you could see the pink pockets sticking out from under them. They weren’t big enough to hold anything but thumb tacks! The guys were quite surprised to see her and when she asked to share a room with them, they said yes, but they “don’t really hate on anybody” so they said fine. As she unpacked her things, she casually remarked, “Hey, if I hook up wit one of youz one night, who gives a fuck?” THE SHORE, YOU GUYS! The rest of the crew continued to arrive and things only got awkward when Ronnie showed up. Sammi (his ex girlfriend) was meticulously folding all her short shorts and her Juicy Couture terrycloth skirts, and trying her damndest to hide from him by moving around the house through the back halls. But he’s a rhinoceros and cannot be tamed! So when they finally met, it was so uneventful it made you want to watch “Homeward Bound” so you can remind yourself what reuniting is supposed to look like before your brain restores to its default setting and defines Sammi and Ronnie as a happy couple.
Since it was the first night, everyone agreed to go out and tear a tiny rip in Miami that the governor would have to read about in the newspaper the next morning. In the cab on the way to da club, Angelina and JWoww got into a fight because Angelina sat next to Ronnie in the hot tub or something. Angelina explained they were giving her crap for leaving last season, and JWoww exploded over something I’m apparently too hard of hearing to hear. She skillfully whipped out the old, “You should know about trashy, you’re from Staten Island!” insult, which I was quite thankful to hear, because now I know exactly what to say to a person on the subway who gets to an open seat before I do. Angelina explained she was trying to be classy, even though that’s pretty damn easy to do when JWoww is leaning over the back seat in the cab and ready to cut someone with the shiv she keeps between her breasts. Snooki ended it by saying Angelina’s ass was pale. Guys, I missed this so much. Like, more than I missed fruit after spending two months at summer camp.
At the club, Angelina latched onto the guys since the other girls have tan asses and are too tan to befriend a white girl. The house music played and Ronnie and Sammi started going at it about how much they’d hurt each other. It was a contest of who’s hurt more, which I guarantee you will last even longer than a game of Chutes and Ladders by people who have dropped massive amounts of acid. To try and calm himself down, Ronnie drank his daiquiris and made out with the pole dancers and…EVERY GRENADE AND LANDMINE (“a thin ugly chick”) IN THE CLUB. Vinny, the aspiring Harvard/Yale lawyer, described the incident as Vinny “releasing his demons.” Angelina admitted if Sammi were nicer to her and wasn’t such a C WORD OH SNAP SEASON 2 YOU GUYS I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT TIME IT IS I’M SO EXICITED, she would tell her about Ronnie’s grenade and landmine activities. The episode closed with Ronnie making out with two grenades at the same time.
And as great as that all was, here’s what we’ve got lined up for the rest of the season!