‘Jersey Shore’ Recap: Mike Contemplates Seaside

S4:E12 Wow guys! Just wow. We made it through the fourth season of Jersey Shore! Has anyone lost weight? I bet some of you have. C’mon, don’t lie! You guys are looking great! And I bet you all told your mothers you just exercised and ate less, right? I bet you told them you slimmed down the honest way? Yeaaaaaah buddy. But seriously, it’s quite the accomplishment – getting through this season (and of course, your slimming new figures)! This show has completely lost its appeal and never shows us anything new, and so it’s like, we’re respectable for sticking with it this long. It’s like we’ve proven ourselves somehow. It’s like we’re disciplined, kind of? Because of how we stuck with this show for so long, even though it’s not that great? Yeah, we’re kind of role models right now, everyone. Think about it.

“Get up. I want to talk to you about everything. You know I’m serious.” – Ronnie

The last episode of this season began with Sammi urging Ronnie to talk to Mike about how if he doesn’t make amends with everyone in the house, they might not want him to come back next season and live with them in the Shore house. So Ronnie does as he was told and pulls Mike out of bed and ushers him onto the porch with the pigeons and explains what the deal was with apologizing to everyone for acting poorly, and Mike and his Charlie Chaplin hair look at each other in total surprise. Then Mike admits he doesn’t want to be friends with everyone in the house and would only apologize to a few people…but would quite frankly, rather leave the cast completely. Ronnie realizes there’s nothing more he can do with Mike so he walks into the room Sammi’s in and tells her what he told Mike, and she said “good for you baby, I love you” and in that moment I realized that I would rather have the woman with the longest fingernails in the world bathe me everyday for the rest of my life than hear Sammi say that sentence ever again. Then Ronnie and Sammi are so pleased with themselves that the go into the smush room and come out five minutes later. Pauly makes the brilliant comment that it’s no wonder Sammi never smiles, and almost instantaneously, Pauly D is the coolest thing since that cat in Men In Black that had an entire galaxy attached to his collar.

“She just fucked my clutch!” – Deena

On one of the last nights the group was in Italy, they all go out to this club Mike wants to go to. But the scene was really mellow and boring, so everyone leaves except for Mike. Deena, Snooki, Pauly, and end up at Toice (“twice”), and Deena and Snooki have such a good time making fun of this drunk girl who, in between driving imaginary trucks, ends up having sex (literally…so literally) with Deena’s purse. The next day, everyone went to the pizzeria to give their boss an item of clothing that represented each of them so he could hang it on his indoor clothesline and when he was feeling nostalgic, he could look at the clothing on the wall and restrain himself from crying and from having his teardrops fall directly in the holes of the sliced olives on his pizzas. At dinner that night, the group decides the want to go site seeing because they’ve basically spent their whole time in Italy just looking at each other and making pizza. So Vinny calls a tour agency and arranges a tour for the group so they can see some art around the city. The next day, Mike tells Snooki he’s not going to go to Jersey after Italy because he wears his heart on his sleeve and fighting with everyone has been too stressful for him.

“I think the statue of David is pretty sexy.” – Deena

So everyone’s on the tour and they’re pretty miserable until they come to the statue of David, and the girls lose their minds because of how hot of an ass he has. Snooki is also very impressed with his physique, but has one small problem with the depiction of his junk. Then they go into another building and as they are marveling at the “like, murals,” Snooki asks if the babies with wings are real and the tour guide opens his eyes wide with surprise as if he’d just learned that American movies were going to be released in Italy on the same dates as they were released in America. After the tour ends the debatable friends go to some outdoor café and reminisce about what happened over the past four months, and Mike even tries to get back into the group by participating in all the rehashing of the memories. Then he apologizes to everyone and gives all the girls roses. But he disappoints everyone once again when at the club, he yells at a kid for bumping into him. The next morning Mike cooks everyone breakfast and reveals that he has decided to go back to Jersey. And suddenly, everyone begins packing up their stuff and playing with vacuum cleaners, and then they leave Italy very unceremoniously. It was kind of confusing, actually, but it made sense when considered how much they all wanted to go back to Jersey so they could go tanning. However, it was kind of weird because they were going right back to Jersey, which means it was summertime by the time they finished shooting this, which means they exist in some kind of world where it’s always summertime? I think? I don’t know. It just seems like they live in years that aren’t 365 days long and instead, they are about 80 days long? I’d kind of give anything to live in a year that was almost 3 months long.