Oh, young love. There is nothing like it. And there is nothing as strange as it, at least on the greatest sociological experiment of our time. The Situation finally gets himself a girlfriend and now he is utterly repulsed and embarrassed by her. He can hardly stand to look at her or be seen with her in public. What is to do? Not follow Deena’s lead, of course. Or Sammi and Ronnie’s because, man, we don’t need to see people fight in a vicious circle that will never end. No, The Situation has to forge some new territory of his own, and that’s the most frightening place to be.
But before we can get into all that, we have to look at some new terms we learned from the guidos so we know what they’re talking about.
CTC: This is the latest in the long line of guido acronyms (think GTL, DTF, MVP) and it stands for “control the crazy,” which is what a guy has to do when in a relationship with a woman. She will inevitably be insane and his whole purpose in life is to try to mitigate that batshittery. The scary thing is that guidos make things that are intrinsic to their life into acronyms, so the very presence of these letters means that this believe is an intractable part of the culture.
Sneaky Dickens: A man who is in a relationship with a woman but tries to get away with inconsequential, slightly sexual acts when the woman is not around. These acts can include grinding, boob grabbing, finger licking, ab rubbing, or something as innocuous as hug that lingers like Jessica Simpson around a free buffet. This is behavior that is disparaged by both men and women and is often shut down by a female friend of the Dickens by telling the targeted woman about the girlfriend. While it is now spelled “Dickens,” more information about the word’s etymology can be gleaned from its more archaic form “sneaky dick-ins” which describes the man who is surreptitiously trying to force his penis into an unsuspecting female. Ironically, slipping a penis into the vagina is the only activity that is “technically” cheating, and the rest of this overt flirting is, in the mind of a such a man, totally acceptable. This term can also be applied to the behavior as well as it’s practitioner.
Chalk It Up: This doesn’t seem to be a guido term as much as something The Situation made up himself and the definition continues to change. While “chalk it up” usually refers to someone assigning blame for something, The Situation has transmuted it into meaning taking the blame for something onto himself. When Paula, his new girlfriend, says something sexually inappropriate in public, he just tries to forget about it and stomach it. I’m not entirely sure what this consists of other than ignoring it and shaking your head and trying to wish it would go away, but now at least it has a name.
The Dolphin: This is one of several sexual situations that Paula informs us of. That is not an endorsement, just a description. The Dolphin is when a guy tries to stick his dick in a girls butt and she shakes her head and says, “Nah-uh” in a voice that sounds like a dolphin.
Carpet Surfing: This is when a person puts their butt on the ground and then drags it across the floor. This does not seem to be sexual. Should not be confused with the euphemism for the oral sex act popular with lesbians.
The Superman: A sex move that is so offensive and mysterious that its specifics can not be recorded by science. When a person speaks it, all that is recorded is a series of beeps. We do know there is a blanket involved. Yes, The Situation has a Paula problem and I believe that there are two parts to it. It’s the Two Pronged Paula Problem. First is what The Situation is going through himself. He has never really been in a relationship before and being in a relationship means giving up his alpha dog status. The guido’s place in their little pack is determined by how much sex he can score with a woman. Now that The Situation is no longer on the prowl, he has fallen in rank. He doesn’t like this, which is why he continues to hunt for women while at the club so that everyone else will think he’s his old self. Well, that and boredom because he’s not drinking and needs something to do with his time. He’s trying to maintain as much of his old life as he can while still trying to embark on this new venture. It is destined to fail if this continues. Maybe that is what he is searching for, he wants to push Paula so far away that either she’ll break up with him, proving that she never liked him in the first place, or she’ll put up with it, which means she really does love him. Either way, he gets to have his cake and eat Paula two.
The second part of the problem is Paula herself. Well, I can’t seem to determine how much of it is Paula specifically and how much of it is the guidette approach to life. Guidettes are programmed to believe that sex is natural and fun and that they should not be shamed for having as much of it as they can with as many different partners. However, they are stung by our society’s double standard that being promiscuous will get you plenty of dates, but not a lot of marriage proposals. Just like The Situation can not mitigate his behavior at the club, Paula can not change the way she interacts with men, which is by making herself sexually available in very overt and verbal ways. The Situation wants her to be a “lady on the street and a freak in the bedroom” but, at least for Paula, these seem to be mutually exclusive. Also, shouldn’t he excuse some of her more frank talk considering that he engages in such dirty behavior himself?
At one point, The Situation even says that he would rather Paula just sit there and smile rather than say dirty things. All guidettes agree that, if their boyfriend said that to them, they would hit him in the face either with a fist or a clutch or some other nearby object. This is meant to rewire the guido’s brain so that he will no longer think such awful thoughts or at least put him into such a state of confusion that he will be rendered speechless.
Much of the rest of the action on last night’s dispatch was, well, a little boring. Mostly we focused on The Situation’s romance and Deena’s drunkenness and visit from her parents, which, well, we’ve been over that territory time and again. Deena’s mother, the guidette Judge Judy, is still amusing, but, blah. Whatever.
That does not mean we don’t have things to talk about. On the contrary. First we need to discuss Snooki stealing a stuffed animal from the claw machine on the boardwalk. All of the guidettes are obsessed with walking around carrying these stuffed animals that are won by tossing a ring on a Coke bottle, squirting a clown’s mouth full of water until a balloon pops, or knocking a bunch of milk cans off of a stand with a ball. Oh, and Skee Ball, do not forget the ancient contest of Skee-Ball! These women love to carry these prizes around in a plushy hug and store them in their rooms for the entire summer, adding to the massive mountain of detritus that is their lives. Snooki even sleeps with one, the famous Crocodilly.
What is the point? Well, as we know, the guido culture is rather primitive and the guidettes are attracted to men who are “gorillas.” They are large, powerful hunters who will provide for and protect their women. But we live in the age of chicken cutlets and over-sized hot dogs (don’t even get me started on the phallic implications of DJ Paulie D talking about Vinny’s wiener) so that men no longer need to go out and strangle small animals with their hands. Instead, they go out to the boardwalk and impress with their skills at these games and provide trophies for their women, large, annoying, brightly colored trophies that they have to parade around all night in front of the other women and men, showing off their ultimate prowess.
That brings us to Snooki and her pilfering of the cheetah from an open vending machine. Like any woman who is about to be a first time mother she is nervous. She’s doesn’t know what life has in store for her, if she’ll be able to be a good influence on her little Lorenzo, and just how she’s going to change a diaper while drunk. She is also questioning her man Jionni’s ability to provide for her. She is clearly the stronger personality in the relationship and the breadwinner and she has anxiety about Jionni giving her the life to which she’s become accustomed. Rhinestone encrusted sunglasses are not cheap! She acts this anxiety out by providing a stuffed animal for herself. By parading it in front of all Seaside Heights without a man in tow shows everyone that she does not need a man. She is single and independent and if her son wants a stuffed toy, well she will go out and freaking get one for him, the legality of it be damned.
Speaking of Snooki and her future, the strangest thing happened at Karma during this dispatch from our scientific experiment. Deena and JWOWW were out having themselves a great time when they encountered an older woman in a printed top and tight white pants with her hair piled on top of her head. She seemed to recognized Deena, even though she had no idea who this woman was. They started dancing and, while a bit rickety, this woman had the moves. Deena told her to do a Jersey Turnpike and not only did she get her ass in the air and hands on the ground, she then stood on her head and did dance moves that no one had ever seen before. She was the best dancer in the whole club, and everyone stood around and clapped and screamed for her.
When it was all over. This woman got up and hugged Deena. “Oh, my meatball,” she said. “I didn’t think I’d ever feel like this again. Thanks Deena.”
“Wait, how did you know my name?”
“I know everything about you, Deena. Are you with Chris right now? You should dump him because you’re going to meet another Kris in a few years who is going to make you very, very happy. You’ll love her as much as you loved me.”
“Lady, what are you talking about? I don’t love you. I don’t even know you.”
“Yes, you do Deena. It’s me, Snooki!”
Deena just laughed and laughed. It couldn’t be Snooki, she was at home in bed with a baby growing in her belly. She certainly wasn’t this old lady. “Oh, lady,” Deena said when her guffaws slowed. “I don’t know what you’re on, but I’d sure like some.”
“No, Deena, it’s really me. I’m here from the future. I had to come back one last time.”
“Alright, now you’re just getting fucking crazy.”
“Deena. Remember that weekend in Italy? You know, that one where I got so drunk I charged the bushes like a bull? Well, I also know the thing that I put in your thing that weekend. Yes, I do. Do you want me to say it out loud?”
“Holy shit! Snooks?”
“Yes. I came from 2062 a year after they invented time travel. I have a lot of money in the future after I did a few terms in the Senate and I was one of the first people to buy a commercial flight back in time. I just had to see it one more time. Karma, the Shore, all you guys. You don’t even know it, but this club won’t even be standing in a year. There will be a hurricane and…Wait, none of that matters. What matters is that I am young again. I’m here and I can tell you that you’re going to be happy. It’s all going to work out for you. And Jenni. Even Sam and Ron. Mike, well, it’s tragic, but you can’t say anything.”
“About what? Snooki, you have to tell me everything!”
“My time is almost up, Deena. I had to come tonight because this was the only night for sure I knew that I wasn’t at Karma and I can’t run into my former self. If I stay any longer, I’m really going to fuck up the future.”
“Wait, Snooki. What about…”
“Shhh,” she said, hugging Deena tight. “I can’t really tell you about anything, but know this. It’s going to be alright. You’re going to be alright. It all works out. And when you doubt it the most, remember this, I’ll always love you. I’ll always love you, Deena. Thanks so much for tonight. The future isn’t always easy, but growing old is great. Especially now that I know that I still got it. Party’s here!”
She let go of her meatball and walked away into the crowd, the beats closing in on her body as it started to get lost in the gloom and swirling lights of Karma. Deena stood stunned, not sure if what just happened was real or if she imagined it all or if someone had put LSD in her vodka and Red Bull again. But finally she snapped out of it, after just a second, and ran off after her. “Snooki, wait!” she shouted as everyone looked at her strangely. She was gone. Gone forever. Deena stood there, with the black light turning everything around her a little unfamiliar and she felt warm and weird, like she was floating in a bath of warm salt water. But she also felt safe, very safe indeed. And loved.
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
[Photo Credit: MTV]