‘Jersey Shore’ Recap: Sammi Leaves The Shore

“When did I not have your back?” – Sitch

“You did not have my back in Miami.” – Ronnie

For the first time in a shit ton of time, a fight took place that wasn’t between Ronnie and Sammi. Instead, it was between Ronnie and The Situation and it was about how in Miami, after The Situation repeatedly told Ronnie that he had his back, The Situation told Sammi that everything in the note (the one that Snooki and Jenni wrote that informed Sammi of all the hooker ass licking Ronnie was doing) was true and that Ronnie did, in fact, cheat on her. Once The Situation realized that Ronnie was about to use the skills he learned from the doctor last week who inspected his asshole to suck all his insides out, he apologized to Ronnie even though he didn’t think he was in the wrong. The two guys hugged it out and basically forgot the whole thing in less time than it takes for a doughnut to ride a conveyor belt through the machine that glazes it. This was an important moment in this episode because we were about to witness two other fights that would not end as quickly, or lend themselves to any other kind of baking process comparison as nicely.

After Sammi and Ronnie had one of their usual fights about nothing, they went into their separate corners and the girls told Sammi that she should come out with them and be single. Pauly D proved himself to be a miraculous multi-tasker when he convinced Ronnie to come out with the guys while he was cleaning his kicks with 409. Both Ronnie and Sammi agreed they needed to spend time apart from each other, and when Ronnie went upstairs to get something out of his side of the closet that he shared with Sam and interrupted her while she was putting her makeup on, another fight ensued. Sammi asked Ronnie what he was going to do if a girl were to come up to him, and Sammi said he wasn’t worth the tears she was crying. Ronnie called her “Niagra Falls.” Finally, after Sammi was begging and pleading for Ronnie to tell her what was so terrible that she did to him, Ronnie reached into her side of the closet, yanked out all her sweatpants with words on the asses, and threw them out onto the porch. Then, he started taking apart her bed and tossing it outside and The Situation felt so incapable of breaking up the fight that he had to call downstairs for Vinny and Pauly D to come upstairs and help keep Ronnie and Sammi away from each other and honestly, beating each other to death with shingles from the house that have always looked detachable anyway.

“If he wants to play that dirty game with you, we can play it ten times as hard.” – Snooki

So Ronnie and the guys all decided to leave the house. Sammi told Snooki that she was sure Ronnie was going to bring home a girl that night to piss her off, and Snooki pointed out that she, and not Ronnie, was the one with the boobs that weren’t being used. So Sammi went upstairs and put on some dress that had no front and went out as a single woman. When they showed up at the club, Sammi found Ronnie, stood up on a nearby table and called out for a hot guy that wasn’t him to come and dance with her. After grinding with a good five for six guys, Ronnie went mute and his eyes turned into the Xs that Wes Anderson used to illustrate death in “The Fantastic Mr. Fox,” and The Situation knew he had to get Ronnie out of there before he _____. So The Situation took him home, where he then went upstairs and continued trashing Sammi’s stuff. Ronnie broke her plastic drawers, dismembered her blow dryer and her curlers, and apparently everything she owned. When Sammi got home from the club, she was so shocked to see the state of the room that she confused everything for being broken instead of what it really was, which was just on the floor. When she randomly found her pair of glasses crushed, she put on some sweatpants and went up to the roof to confront Ronnie about all the destruction he caused. Then, they got into an argument about who has disrespected the other one more, and Ronnie said that AT LEAST HE HAD ENOUGH RESPECT FOR HER TO ONLY MAKE OUT WITH OTHER PEOPLE WHEN SHE WASN’T THERE TO SEE IT.

“No, I don’t want to sit next to you.” – Sammi

The next day, Sammi decided to leave. First she told the girls who said they would help her pack, and then she told Vinny and Pauly D, who were both sad to see her leave. Downstairs, Vinny suggested to Ronnie that Sammi was leaving by saying she was upstairs packing to do something that rhymes with “weaving.” Ronnie went upstairs to talk to Sam about her decision and he was TOTALLY CONFUSED as to why she was going to go back home and walk away from the relationship she had with him after a fight that they’d had 893,204,832 times before. Sadly, he could not persuade her to stay, and after he watched her get into the cab that would take her back to her house in Jersey, he went upstairs and cried and wished that the pair of glasses he broke were as easily fixable as the machine that takes picture of you on the Boardwalk’s roller coaster while you’re vomiting.