‘Jersey Shore’ Recap: Team Meatball

Tonight’s Jersey Shore was fantastic. And I’ve never said that, so you know it’s true. The whole group decided to get away for a weekend and go to a beach, where Deena and Snooki spent the whole time drinking and telling the bartender what the word “cooka” means, going shopping and dropping $400 on Hello Kitty garb, and dancing so hard that their underwear comes off. Snooki and Deena kept drinking all through dinner and looking at each other rather suggestively, and so Pauly and Vinny made a lot more jokes jokes that involved putting the word “lesbian” in front of the words “be honest” to create the phrase, “les be honest.” But let’s skip these stones one at a time.

“Yo, look at the Italian flag. I feel like I’m in Italy.” – Pauly

So the gang took one weekend off from the pizza shop and drove to Riccione (which is a beautiful beach), presumably because they wanted to make sure no one ever wanted to go there ever again. Once they arrived in their suite, everyone remarked at how beautiful the beach was and they all started comparing it to places like Jersey shore, Hawaii, and a somewhere that’s on the edge of a continent. In other words, they were very satisfied with the look and feel of this place that they’d never been to before because it reminded them of all the places they’d been to before. The girls went out to the beach and as Snooki was walking down the street and on her way to the beach, she rejoiced that she was so happy because her nipples were hard. But the girls’ interest in the water quickly diminished and they realized they all wanted to go drinking. So they hightailed it over to the beach’s bartender and explained to him that they wanted to get so drunk it would be like they were at home (that’s what people do when they go to Italy now? They pretend they’re at home?). The bartender rounded up several different kinds of shots and all the girls decided it would be extra funny if rather than using their hands to bring the glasses to their mouths, they’d grasp the glass with their lips and then lift their necks upwards so they’d tip the contents down into their mouths. As you can imagine, it was more entertaining than hanging a roll of duct tape in a room and watching all the stupid flies fly into it, get all confused, and die.

“I’m buying a guitar. I’ll take this.” – Deena

After they taught the bartender what the word “cooka” meant and learned how to say “vagina” in Italian, the girls left the bar and decided to go shopping. Because of their short statures, Deena and Snooki were sufficiently more drunk than Sammi and Jenni. This meant when at the store, they bought all kinds of crazy things. They tore through the place and looked for anything moronic they could buy, and Jenni tried to respectfully remind them that “doing a drunk buy” was a bad idea. But neither Snooki nor Deena were interested in what their friend had to say. Instead, Deena made friends with a sales girl and asked for help finding clothes for her big butt and Snooki bought $400 worth of Hello Kitty apparel. Eventually, Sammi and Jenni realized Snooki and Deena were beyond wasted and there was no point in trying to convince them to relax. So immediately after they made their purchases, Sammi and Jenni bolted from the store because they didn’t want to spend the rest of the day caring for their roommates. Snooki and Deena tried as hard as they could to keep up with them, but got lost on the way and ended up venturing into another bar by the beach. There, they drank so much that if they were in New Jersey they would have wandered into a pet cemetery. But they weren’t! And since they were in Italy, they drank and danced so hard that their clothes started coming off (more specifically, Deena danced herself out of her bikini bottom). The boys eventually met up with them and told them that they made plans for dinner that night at 9:30, and they recommended that the girls go back to their hotel and get changed because they were going to be eating in one hour. Snooki and Deena thought that was a lame idea, and continued to dance and drink.

“We just had a six course meal, and now the meatballs show up.” – Jenni

Not surprisingly, everyone except Deena and Snooki made it to dinner on time. After waiting a little bit to see if they would show up, the group decided to eat dinner without them because they wanted to go to the club and shake their groove thangs. But just as everyone was paying the bill and exiting the restaurant, Snooki and Deena showed up with glasses full of vodka sodas and ready to eat. So everyone shuffled back inside to watch the two meatballs shove calamari into their mouths and spill their Amstel Lights onto their laps as they turned their wrists around to look at their bracelets. Eventually dinner officially ended, and so everyone got in the cab and headed towards the club. Deena and Snooki spent the whole time having conversations with the cab’s air freshening tree. Once they got there, Deena started griding up against some glass, which meant she showed everyone her cooka because you’ll recall that she literally danced herself out of her bathing suit bottom. This caused Jenni to yell and scream at Deena to put it away, and that just made Deena even more angry, which meant she wanted to get even more drunk. The night was officially declared dead, however, when Deena straddled Snooki and started making out with her. Jenni and Sammi swiftly whisked the two of them back into a cab, where they watched in awe as they continued to make out. Sammi remarked that in their entire relationship, she had never even made out with Ronnie for as long as Deena and Snooki had.

“Usually I remember if I did sex.” – Deena

The next morning, Snooki and Deena woke up with no recollection of what happened the night before. The guys started to make all kinds of lesbian jokes at them when they got out of bed, so the girls went back into their room and tried to figure out how much physical embracing they actually did. They decided they didn’t actually have sex and concluded that they just made out for hours, which is pretty much exactly what happened. But then Jenni and Sammi came into their room and started re-enacting the way they were gyrating on each other, and Deena learned that her crotch was visible for a good five hours at the club. Snooki tried as casually as she could to laugh off what Jenni and Sammi were saying while scrubbing toothpaste around her mouth using her finger.

“I have something to tell you.” – Snooki

Once the group got back to their house in Florence, Snooki worked up the nerve to call Jionni to tell him that she hooked up with Deena. Initially, Snooki was pretty nervous to tell Jionni what she did because he’s constantly embarrassed by everything she does, and isn’t afraid to tell her when he thinks she’s being a complete idiot. But when Snooki got on the phone with him and told him that she’d spent the majority of last night kissing Deena, Jionni was surprisingly fine with it. It really didn’t make any sense, considering how enraged Snooki described him as getting when she goes into a bar and shouts, “SHOTS!” So to calm herself down, Snooki and Deena decided to drive somewhere…but on the way, they crashed into their police escort. Snooki was driving, and so the cops asked her for her license…which, of course, she left at the house. Deena made a frantic phone call to the boys and told them to bring Snooki’s license to where they were because if they didn’t, they were going to arrest her. So Vinny, Pauly and The Situation scrambled to find Snooki’s license in some random black purse and then shuffled over to the random street where Deena said the accident happened. Unfortunately, the episode ended just as the boys got to the scene of the accident and saw a cop car driving away with Snooki in the backseat. I HOPE JENNI SAVED HER ‘FREE SNOOKI’ SHIRT FROM LAST SEASON!