‘Jersey Shore’ Recap: The Situation Vs. Ronnie

jersey shoreS4:E5 Right on, everyone! Congratulations for continuing to watch a show where you are repeatedly disappointed with what you see! I mean, let’s have a little bit of a dialog here — why do we really watch this show? Is it because of the characters, who make us thankful that even though our mothers continuously bumped our heads on things while she was holding us in our arms that we STILL manage to have more brainpower than them? Is it because we love watching people fight about the same things over and over again? Or, is it because we just hate ourselves?

“Are you serious? I stay away all the time!” – Mike

This week’s episode kicked off with how last week’s episode ended, which was with the fight that took place between Ronnie and The Situation. You’ll recall that a few episodes ago, The Situation told everyone at lunch (except for Ronnie, who wasn’t there) that Ronnie was planning on bringing a whole bunch of girls back to the house. It wasn’t necessarily a lie, because that’s actually what Ronnie said to The Situation — he said that if he wanted to, he could have five girls show up at the house almost instantaneously. At the lunch, Sammi brushed it off and said she didn’t care because at that time, she and Ronnie weren’t together. But then after that, Ronnie took Sammi to a rooftop somewhere and Venice and she essentially convinced him to get back together with her. And so a few days later, during what was a disagreement about literally how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, Sammi told Ronnie that Mike told her that Ronnie told him he could bring home all these girls to the house. I know that’s an insane sentence, but it actually makes sense. You can diagram it out. Draw little stick figures if that’ll help you get through it. Personally, all I had in my apartment when it happened were hard boiled eggs, so that’s what I used to re-enact it. And look at me now — I’m understanding everything!

“Mike, look at me.” – Jenni

So we began with Ronnie throwing Mike’s stuff around his room. He even took his bed and threw it out into the living room, and then took the bed frame and turned it on its side. As Ronnie was doing this, he was yelling at Mike that he was so sick and tired of Mike interfering with his relationship with Sammi, and Mike was kind of doing jumping jacks in place and screaming that he doesn’t get involved in their relationship. Mike kept yelling, and Ronnie continued to pull up his pants and open his eyes wide and search for other pieces of furniture (that used to belong to some sweet old Italian furniture maker who felt so lucky to sell the pieces to MTV because then he could finally afford to pay the vet to amputate his dog’s broken leg that he just drags behind him when he walks) to break. Eventually, something snapped in The Situation and he got so upset that started emptying spit out of his mouth like someone took a hole punch to both of his cheeks and he rammed himself up against the wall. All of a sudden, Mike went down. Ronnie didn’t even touch him, so he just stood off to the side as Mike was lying on the ground, completely dazed, saying “get outta here, bro.” And even as Jenni was examining Mike and realizing that he seemed to be going in and out of consciousness, Ronnie continued to yell at Sam for not telling him that Mike said that Ronnie said he was going to bring home girls to the house…even though she did tell Ronnie that, AND even though someone in the house just completely knocked themselves out. After a while, Mike got up again and told Ronnie that he wanted to “DO IT!,” and so Ronnie attacked him. They flailed around for a bit until two guys (who probably serve as security guards when the group is out clubbing) came in and peeled them off each other like they were failed skin grafts. When they went to their separate corners, neither Mike nor Ronnie was injured from tackling the other one, but they continued to yell at each other through different rooms of the house. Sammi stood by Ronnie trying to tell him to stop yelling and stop making everything worse, while Jenni was yelling at Sammi trying to get her to leave Ronnie alone because she still didn’t realize that SHE was the one who makes Ronnie act so insane. Ronnie finally seemed to have had enough of Sammi because then he started clapping his hands in front of her Sammi’s and told her that she didn’t mean anything to him, and that he WAS planning on bringing some girls back to the house because Sammi meant nothing to him, and she needed to grind that information up, mix it with her blue eyeshadow, and then apply it to her face every day so the realization that he didn’t want her anymore would slowly seep into her brain.

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“You need to go to the hospital.” – Snooki

Snooki saw Mike lying down on the couch in the pigeon coop and told him that he needed to go to the hospital. Mike didn’t want to because he didn’t want Ronnie to think their physical quarrel was actually what hurt him (like ramming yourself into a wall and jamming your head on concrete is so much more dignified?). But finally, an ambulance was called and Pauly D escorted Sitch to an Italian hospital on a stretcher that looked about as stable as the parachute the instructor at the “Mommy and Me” classes use to get babies used to the feeling of having wind on their faces. After Mike had left, Sammi tried to talk to Ronnie but Ronnie kept not wanting to talk to Sammi, so eventually she tried to beg him into talking to her by saying “I screwed up! Why can’t you just accept it?,” even though she definitely didn’t screw up any more than usual. Jenni sat down and talked with Ronnie about everything and got him to say that he regretted attacking Mike and felt bad that he was in the hospital, and Jenni acknowledged that a fight between Ronnie and Mike was long overdue – as if their argument was something like the milkman suddenly disappearing and there being a bunch of glass milk bottles that needed collecting. At the hospital, Pauly was very nice to Mike and stood by him while he was examined, and it turned out that he had a concussion. Back at the house, Ronnie and Sammi went into the smush room to try and talk things out, but things got bad again once Ronnie admitted that he’d been talking to a girl back in the states while they’d been in Italy. Sammi calmly put her hand up in front of her face, stopped rubbing her eyes, and told Ronnie that she was officially done with him. And then I called Mayor Bloomberg and got a permit for a parade.

“It’s piece of mind, bro. I don’t have it.” – Ronnie

After Ronnie realized that nothing was going to get Sammi to come out from under the covers, he went into his room and started packing up his things because he wanted to go home. Vinny came in and tried to talk him out of leaving, but Ronnie said that he had no piece of mind and the only way he was going to get it was to leave Italy and go back to whatever non-Italian place he came from. But Vinny convinced him to stay and the next day, Ronnie put Mike’s room back together so that when he came home from the hospital, he’d have a nice place to sleep and rest and regroup after trying to recreate a crack in the Sistine Chapel on his own forehead. Mike then came back to the house, and as soon as he lay down on his bed and tried to will his neck sprain away, Ronnie waltzed into his room and started smacking him on the shoulder and telling him he didn’t mean anything he said in the altercation. Later that day, he had lunch with Jenni, Deena, Vinny and Pauly and he continued to apologize for losing control. Then he told them that after the big mess, he tried to talk to Sam and apologize to her but she said that she was done with him. Back at home, The Situation was wandering around the house in sweat pants and a brace around his neck, crying because no one was really checking on him and making sure he was okay.

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“I’m still mad at you. But I want you to know I love you as a friend.” – Snooki

When the girls got home from their dinner that night, Snooki went into Mike’s room and told him that she was still mad at him for telling everyone that they slept together, but that she was really sad when she saw him lying on the ground and missed him when he went to the hospital and that she loved him as a friend. Mike said he understood, explained to the cameras that he still didn’t think she and Jionni were a good match. At the club, Vinny and Pauly were trying to get Ronnie with a bunch of girls, but they noticed that he was completely scared of acting upon any feelings because of how Sam would react when she heard about it. So because he was so afraid of that, Ronnie bought some flowers off the street and handed them to Sam once he got home. She (the brilliant creature she is) asked if the flowers were for somebody else and then once Ronnie left her room, she turned her bottom lip out because she thought it was nice of him to bring her a gift instead of another girl home. And Ronnie was so completely disgusted with how Sammi reacted to his attempt at making peace that he took the flowers right back and threw them in the garbage and then said to the phantom bro that stood beside him, “waste of my time and money, bro.”

Will this ever end, even though we actually know that no, it won’t ever end?