Well everyone! This season of Keeping Up with the Kardashians has ended! How do we feel? Good? Bad? Neither because the show has drained us of all emotion? Hooraayyyyyy! I honestly feel like this whole season was a dream because while I remember the season actually occurring, I can’t really remember what happened in it. I guess that’s normal — what else are Kardashians good for if not for wiping your brain cleaner than a Lysol cloth? But last night’s episode was one that will definitely stick out in our brains for a while because not only was it the last one of the season, but it was alllllllll about how Kris was getting ready to propose to Kim. Let’s go down that road, shall we? You’re welcome to wear ski masks, and you’re also welcome to try and find a way to return them once we’re all done here.
“You got my blessing!” – Bruce
Last night’s episode began where Sunday’s left off: on the golf course. Kris wasn’t playing golf very well, and Bruce was making fun of his underwhelming abilities by saying things like, “Man, Space Jam really was pretty accurate — basketball players really can’t play golf!” Kris explained to us, though, that he really wasn’t thinking about golf at all while he was playing. Instead, he said, he was too worried about when the right moment would be for him to ask Bruce for permission to marry Kim to focus on the holes. Eventually, Kris finally put his hand on Bruce’s shoulder and belted out that he wanted to marry Kim, but it was important to him that he first get permission. Bruce was completely shocked that Kris would even think to ask because Lamar Odom didn’t even ask for his permission before he married Khloe, and so Bruce was actually very touched by the gesture. It was a very nice moment in a show that usually takes nice moments, hits them over the head with shovels, and then tosses them in a neighbor’s pet cemetery.
“Because the ring was so expensive, when Jonathan went to ensure it, they wouldn’t ensure it. So it’s traveling by Brinks truck.” – Kris J
After Bruce gave Kris his blessing, the two of them went back to Bruce’s house and told Kris (the mom). She obviously started to cry, and then her eyes got all big and wide because she started thinking about all the different ways that “they” were going to propose to Kim. This freaked Kris out, but not enough to really do anything about it. He had a bigger problem, anyway. Since Kris already knew that Bruce would condone him marrying Kim, he went ahead and bought a $2 million ring from celebrity jeweler and Kim Kardashian friend, Lorraine Schwartz. The only issue was the ring was in New York, and Kris was obviously in L.A. This meant the ring had to be shipped across the country. But when other Kardashian friend Jonathan went to the post office (I guess?) to ship it, the post office said they weren’t going to ensure it because it was worth too much. So instead, Kris had to pay for a Brinks security truck to drive it across the country. You know what Brinks security trucks are, right? They’re the armored vehicles that you see outside of banks that are full of money and guarded by balding men in vests who have packs of gum in their pockets so their tasers look bigger! Anyway, the point is, Kris bought something so expensive that a government agency didn’t even feel safe handling it.
style=”font-weight: bold;”>”I can’t live in a lesser lifestyle than I live now!” – Kim
Once Kris had the $2 million ring safely in his pocket, he had Kim’s mother put together a surprise family dinner for Kim so that Kris could propose in front of the whole family. But as they were driving to the restaurant, Kim started talking about how her friend’s house was on the market and she thought they should buy it as a couple. This bothered Kris because Kim wasn’t even finished making the payments on the house she just moved into, and it suddenly became clear to him that Kim had no inclination to save any money. Kris tried to explain to Kim that he had a plan for his life and that it was important to him to put some money away for when he was older, and Kim went on this diatribe about how he needed to get a better apartment in NYC because it was too small and didn’t have enough security. Kris just kind of kept driving and listened to Kim keep going and going, and then she even felt the need to explain to him that it would be unacceptable for her to life with less luxury than she currently has. Obviously Kris (with the $2 million ring in his pocket) realized that night that it wasn’t the right time to propose to Kim.
“We’re engaged!” – Kim
A few days after their argument, Kris somehow managed to convince himself that he still wanted to marry Kim. So while she was out and about doing her errands, he took over her bedroom and put candles and rose petals everywhere (doesn’t he remember how manic Kim got when she entered their hotel suite in Bora Bora and saw the rose petals all over the bed?!), got down on one knee and just waited for Kim to come back. When Kim eventually returned, she read that Kris had spelled out “Will you marry me?” in red rose petals all over her white carpet and tried really hard not to think about how if there was a sudden rainstorm and she had a leak in her roof that she didn’t know about, the red of the petals would stain her carpet. So she dropped her things outside her room, walked in, and went over to Kris. He promptly asked her to marry him AND SHE DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING! She said “UM” a few times! Kris, sensing her hesitation, whipped out the $2 million ring from behind his back and flashed it in her face. Instantaneously after seeing the ring, Kim accepted Kris’ proposal. Once she slid the ring on her finger, she spent the rest of the day looking at it and seemed to forget that she only said yes to Kris because of the sheer size of the diamond. If you take a look at the clip below, it’s pretty clear that if he didn’t have a $2 million ring in that little box, she would have said no.
But Kim said yes, and so she and Kris then went to another family dinner and announced to everyone that they were going to be getting married. Everyone got excited, toasted to them, and wished them all the best, and it’s just too bad that not one of them knew that Kim hesitated until she saw the ring. But now come on, what were we to expect — that she’d marry someone because she loved them? Psh, only Ryan Gosling would do that.