‘Kourtney and Khloé Take Miami’ Recap: Broken Family

S2:E10 I know each and every one of you are going to mourn last night’s season finale to Kourtney and Khloé Take Miami more than you did your last relationship. Do you know how I know that? Because the nicest thing your ex ever did for you was put pennies in your loafers, which wasn’t even very nice because they bought you loafers even though they knew your bunion operation wasn’t for another four months. Kourtney and Khloé have done WAY more for you than that, like remind you that for ever five people, one of them will poop in a dressing room at some point in their life. They’ve educated you…nay, educated us all. We owe them our gratitude.

Last night’s episode started with watching Kourtney and Scott in couple’s counseling, where they’re trying to fix something that even the frozen chocolate bunnies from Easter in our freezers know isn’t fixable. There was lots of “he said, she said,” and Scott wore pants that not even a crossing guard in a European country would wear. Kourtney said she wanted to be supportive of Scott, but she doesn’t want to be an enabler, or let him drink simply because he “works” at clubs. Scott kept interrupting her and told the shrink how unfortunate it was that Kourtney was so perfect. He admitted that he had a problem with alcohol and he’d rather be with her and his baby, but he felt Kourtney didn’t understand how alcoholism is a disease.

After therapy, Kourtney went back to the suite to start packing for her trip back to Los Angeles. Scott called and asked her if she’d like to come over and talk about what the shrink said, which wasn’t much of anything and he should really consider taking insurance if he has that little to say about anything. Kourtney made a list of a few things she said had to change if they were going to make it work, and as she was reading them to him, Scott was using his BlackBerry for something like ordering a pair of apologetic argyle socks for the cat whose kittens he killed when he ran over them while pulling into an alleyway to pee on an abandoned Lexus. Kourtney kicked and screamed about how much she didn’t have to be there trying to work things out with him, and she left. Scott felt a little bit bad about not listening to her, but not too much.

Kourtney went back to her hotel suite so she could pack up all her things before she and Khloé returned to Los Angeles. The more I watched them pack, the more I saw all the things the two of them were leaving behind. Kourtney and Khloé probably paid the hotel to ship what they didn’t take with them to Los Angeles after they’d left. But as a girl who went to a sleep away camp where you basically wouldn’t be invited back the following summer if you left so much as a baby tooth there, it was painful for me to watch the sisters abandon racks of clothes in the hotel.

Khloé, of course, had already packed everything and was rearing to go back to Los Angeles and be with her husband. While she watched Kourtney do a packing job as insignificant as an out-patient procedure, Scott called and asked if he could come over to talk about things one last time, but Kourtney said their car was coming to pick them up in an hour and if he wanted to come talk to her while she non-packed, that was fine. Scott raced over to the hotel, hoping to convince her to stay in Miami with him and Mason instead of going back to Los Angeles, and after saying she was the best thing that ever happened to him because he forgot to Wikipedia a better compliment, Kourtney took Mason and left the hotel. Scott “wept,” but it’s more likely he just rubbed the puss from his stitched up hand onto his eyes to make it look like he was sad, and then he clutched a little forlorn and slightly racist baby moccasin.

That was it! That was the season finale! It’d be nice if we really knew Scott and Kourtney broke up, but since they keep talking to the tabloids about how happy and sober they are, we can only hope they finally end things for good when Keeping Up With The Kardashians starts. Khloé’s taken a serious backseat to all this Scott crap, which is really sad, because I was so much more interested in her waxing woes than I am in Scott’s profound fondness for dressing like he’s on a 365-day Easter egg hunt sponsored by Town & Country. But since Ryan Seacrest is controlling the entire world right now (including each major city’s traffic lights), Scott’s involvement with the Kardashian family probably isn’t going anywhere soon.