‘Kourtney And Khloé Take Miami’ Recap: Man in the Mirror

S2:E8 Last night on Kourtney And Khloé Take Miami, we got another episode showing how much of a “douchelord” Scott really is. We didn’t get much else, actually. There weren’t any visits to DASH, no employer/employee related drama, and nobody took a dump in the dressing room (which yes! Has happened!). But despite the seemingly uneventful plot, there were definitely a few things that tried to make us feel better about not watching Mad Men or Shark Week.

The episode opened with Kourtney and Kim on a yacht with their friend talking about how Scott is so immature, really isn’t ready to be a father, and is staying out until the next morning despite Kourtney’s wishes that he come back at a more reasonable hour.

When Kourtney and Khloe picked up Mason from the teenage girl he was probably left with, they went back to their hotel suite and saw beer bottles on the table and smelled remains of what my father calls “grass” and what your father calls “Mary Jane.” Kourtney handed Mason to Kim and told her to go into the bathroom so she could confront Scott about the state of the suite. The cameras went into the bathroom with Kim, but we heard so much noise and rumbles and thrashes coming from the bedroom that you’d think Tony Soprano was in there with a transvestite hooker. Kourtney came running out and told Kim they were leaving and going back to their friend’s house. Once they were driving away, cameras went into the bathroom and we watched Scott (while wearing his boxers and his argyle socks – a.k.a. his version of your SHEEPY TIME pajamas) punch a mirror. He was surprised it hurt, and probably spent a split second wondering if he’d done it wrong. But then he realized he was bleeding (not much more than what you’d see on the floor if you squeezed the juice out of a single strawberry) and producers called a wahhhh-mbulance.

At the hospital, Scott saw an emergency room physician and he called Kourtney to apologize for his drinking, his behavior, and generalized shenanigans. Kourtney told him she was too old for this shit and she couldn’t do it anymore because she had a baby, and she was done dealing with him until he either got sober or really completed the transformation into Gordon Gekko by sewing an ascot into his neck. Scott said he would clean his act up, but before he did, wanted to say goodbye to Mason. Kourtney denied the request just as she was supposed to, because babies have no business knowing about ascots before they know about escorts.

In between the fits of hysteria that were this episode, we saw bits of Kim that were utterly pointless and made me want to pay someone to let me take an SAT, just so I could determine if my brain had seized or walked out on itself. She purchased a Ferrari or something and met up with her friend Jonathan (who’s also getting a show on E! and in the promo for it he’s seen making a magnificent pout of accomplishment) to talk about how sad she was that she broke up with Reggie and that she always thought by the time she was 30, she’d be married and have a kid and pregnant with another. Jonathan pointed out that may have been her dream, but inquired as to if she’d dreamt of becoming the woman that every woman on the planet wants to be, which I thought was offensive because I want to be like Bette Midler more than I do Kim Kardashian. Bette will cut your lips off if you cross her, whereas what…Kim will sit on you? But anyway, Kim felt better after hearing Jonathan’s sentiment, despite its profound less-than-true nature.

Then, Scott called Kourtney again to inform her he had to have surgery, because apparently punching a wall (in addition to guaranteeing you never see your kid again) ruins the tendons in your hand that if aren’t fixed, will eventually leave you with limited dexterity. Scott asked Kourtney if she’d either come be with him during surgery OR pick him up after, since he didn’t have anybody else in Miami. Kourtney said she’d think about it, but then she gathered up Mason and Kim and drove to the hospital. On the way there, Kim told her to rethink going in to see him and asked how much he’d learn from her if she took him back AGAIN. Once they were in the driveway, Kim hauled out one last “look at your child” line, and Kourtney drove back home without going inside.

Once they were home again, Scott called Kourtney to “thank her” for being there for him, and she casually said “well, maybe one of your buddies that you party so much with could come get you!” and she dunked it like Shaq was there holding her up on his shoulders. Scott whipped up a douche soufflé by thanking her for being there for him, and for helping him out when he had no one else in Miami to count on. It wasn’t even as sad as the “you must be this tall to ride” sign. There’s always the teacups, everyone!

The preview for next week’s episode was also interesting. Khloé comes back, and the Kardashian mother Kris flies down to Miami and has some teary words with Scott. Will she be able to get him to start thinking straight and realize the only people who should make vitamins are people who have blood and hearts that would benefit from them? Who knows.