‘Kourtney & Khloe Take Miami’ Recap: Again, with the ‘Tude!

S2:E1 I was hesitant when I heard there would be a second season of “Kourtney & Khloe Take Miami” for two reasons: one, because you’d think the sisters would realize after one season that Miami isn’t really theirs for the taking, and two: because both Kourtney and Khloe‘s lives had changed so significantly since the first season ended (Kourtney had a baby boy and Khloe married L.A. Laker Lamar Odom) that they’d be over the beaches and bikinis thing.

But last night was the premiere of the second season, and it addressed my apprehension by explaining why, in fact, they decided to do a second season…which reaffirmed my own personal theory, and made it stronger than the theory of relativity: that any Kardashian is good Kardashian.

So the episode began with recapping everything that’s happened since the first season’s finale (which I just explained – I know it’s a Monday, but try and keep up). Then we cut right back to the Kris and Bruce’s household, where Kourtney and Khloe told the family they were going back to Miami to do more work on D-A-S-H, the store they set up there. Khloe didn’t want to go because she never wants to be more than an iPhone’s length away from her Laker husband, which is cute if you think about it while you’re on drugs. (Why can’t he go with her? He’s a Laker, and I’m pretty sure there’s some rule about Lakers going to Miami). However, luckily enough for Kourtney, her son Mason and horrendous boyfriend Scott Disick (I’m going to call him “Dick Scott”) had nothing better to do so he went to Miami with her.

Kourtney and Khloe didn’t go to Miami together. Kourtney, Scott and B-Mase (baby Mason…seriously, this isn’t going to work if you don’t make an effort) headed over there first, and because there’s simply more of them, they decided to take the biggest room in the hotel suite for themselves. While this was happening, we see Khloe and Lamar making out with each other in the back of a closet. My eyes got cross trying to figure out if this was a metaphor for something.

After Kourtney got settled in, she took B-Mas to look at the condition of D-A-S-H, which turned out to be the equivalent of Woodstock after the wood. There’s no merchandise and people were dropping deuces in the dressing rooms. DOESN’T THAT SOUND LIKE A PLACE YOU WANT TO GO? Kourtney hired a brand new staff, put the clothes back on the shelves, and cleaned up after the people who confused the dressing rooms with bathrooms.

Khloe arrived in Miami and after she heard all the work Kourtney did, she got pissed because she left Laker Lamar (ooh, that one just came to me!) to help her with the store — not to have Kourtney do it all before she got there. This was the first piece of drama we got in the second season, which kind of blows because it’s really hard to identify with. Whenever your wife takes out the trash before you get home, you’re a psycho if you yell at her for doing it before you could.

In addition to revamping D-A-S-H, Khloe signed up to get back into her radio show, “Khloe After Dark.” She went back to the studio and chatted with her boss about whether or not she was able to commit to talking for four hours into a little microphone every Friday. Khloe hated guaranteeing her boss she’d be there, on time, every Friday because she wanted to be able to fly back to L.A. to be with Laker Lamar. But in the end, she promised to be punctual. (Spoiler: she’s not punctual!)

That night, Kourtney took Khloe out on the town to help her forget the fact she was a few time zones away from Laker Lamar. Khloe drank way too much and when Kourtney reminded her they had a photo-shoot the next morning for D-A-S-H, Khloe told her suck something she wasn’t born with (but some people out there seem to believe she has anyway). The next morning, Khloe was so hung over the air hurt her. But they went the photo shoot anyway, where the sisters and two other girls had to strip and have black dresses painted on them.

Once everyone was in place and sufficiently naked, the photographer told Khloe “not to look so mad.” This sent Kourtney over the edge, and she told her sister to “f***ing be a professional” and to just forget about her hangover for five minutes. But you can never forget a hang over, because the pain is in your head! What kind of a request is that? To me, Kourtney picking a fight with Khloe is stupid, because Kourtney is the size of a lawn gnome and Kourtney is the size of a dump truck. So like, what’s the point?

The next day, Khloe was on the phone with Laker Lamar when she realized she was terribly late for her radio show. She ran to the studio, only to find the show had started without her. She was MAD, because IT WAS HER SHOW! How dare they start interviewing Bow-Wow on “Khloe After Dark” when Khloe isn’t even there? Ugh, tardiness rage! Her boss accosted her just as she was running in and questioned her “desire” to be there. But questioning Khloe’s “desire” to do anything is like asking why the sky is blue — there’s an answer, but it doesn’t make sense. In the end, Kourtney reaffirmed her commitment to both the show and D-A-S-H. Morals, everyone. Better than chocolate.

The experience with her radio show made Khloe realize she’d been a Debbie Downer on ‘roids at the photo shoot, and so she figured out a plan to make it up to Kourtney. She made post-card sized flyers of the pictures and distributed them on the beach so the store would be flooded with customers. Her plan worked, and the sisters finally settled in to Miami just like old times. But in all honesty, they’re too old to do things the same way as “the old times.” So will they embrace their new roles as mother and wife in place of the old ones, or will Miami have too many memories of youth for them to keep their priorities straight? Will they ever really take Miami? All right, I’ll leave you alone. But think about it!