Most Unqualified Would-Be Reality Show Hosts Not Named Rocco Siffredi

Most Unqualified Would-Be Reality Show Hosts Not Named Rocco Siffredi
Ian Wilson/WENN

Attention all middle-aged couples: trouble in the bedroom got you down? Hoping to rekindle that old magic? Looking to put some sizzle back in those sheets? Keep looking. If you thought Italian reality TV had the answer for you – specifically, in the form of a man with more than 1,500 hardcore movie titles to his name – guess again. Cielo’s new primetime program It’s Up to Rocco with porn star Rocco Siffredi is being marketed as “family fare” by its producers. And why not? Surely, who better to dole out relationship advice than a man whose been in thousands of them – and those are just the ones on film?! Welcome to the nadir of all reality TV, where only these fictional ones that follow here could ever compare to the lunacy those wacky Italians are about to unleash via Sky Italia.

“Easy Does It! with host Miley Cyrus”

A subtle look on how to reinvent yourself without resorting to cheap publicity stunts and over-the-top sensationalism. Miley demonstrates a step-by-step approach on how avoiding the continuous public spotlight allows for proper image-honing (and avoiding embarrassing spectacles).

“Aging the All-Natural Way with the Jenners”

Bruce and Kris Jenner (without blinking) offer the best ways to avoid having to undergo hours of plastic surgery that can, say, turn a macho gold medalist into Mrs. Jenner before your very eyes. Terms like “organic” and “homeopathic” are used liberally to heighten the pitch.

“Just Say No!” with Alex Rodriguez

A-Rod takes time from his busy schedule of dating supermodels and suing Major League Baseball (for daring to investigate his involvement with performance-enhancing drugs) to teach kids how to avoid the pitfalls of picking a doctor who keeps records.

Yoko Ono’s Talent is Everything

Here, the famed widow of John Lennon takes viewers into the world of highly successful celebrities that earned everything the old-fashioned way (meaning marrying a famous rock star that is tragically killed, leaving you as the punch line to any joke about talentless, megalomaniacal, narcissistic band breaker-uppers).

“A Cappella with Katy Perry”

Yes, you, too can learn to hit all those high notes, just like diva Katy Perry! Pay no attention to the auto-tune device behind the curtain (nor the cats screeching in unison outside in the alley beside the studio). And a one, and a two!