So, much to the universe’s undying chagrin, Lifetime (television for women and the men who don’t sleep with them) is producing Clarice, a show based on Clarice Starling, the Jodie Foster character in The Silence of the Lambs. TV Guide reports that the show will follow Clarice during her time in the FBI academy before she becomes an agent. That sounds about as delicious as a liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti (slurp slurp slurp).
The funny thing is NBC is also prepping a Silence-inspired show called Hannibal which is not the awful sequel, about Mr. Lechter’s realtionship with an FBI agent (scheduled to be played by handsome devil Hugh Dancy). It sounds like Dexter but without any of the good feeling. Why is everyone making Silence of the Lambs into a show? How far are we from seeing ABC option Silence: The Musical (which is a real thing)? It just seems like a bad idea to mess with a movie that good.
In celebration of the TV world running out of original ideas, we wanted to warn them about some other movies that wouldn’t really make for great weekly fare.
The Accused: While we’re talking Jodie Foster movies, nothing would be more awful or depressing than having to relive a brutal rape week after week after week.
27 Dresses: The only thing worse than seeing Katherine Heigl bumble her way toward love would having to watch Katherine Heigl bumble her way through trying to maintain a relationship with all of those dresses stuffed in the closet. At least it would finally get Judy Greer on TV though.
Melancholia: The world kind of ended (spoiler alert!) so, what are you going to do with that?
Sixth Sense: Yeah, yeah. We get it. There are dead people.
From Justin to Kelly: It was so hard the first time, don’t make us do it again repeatedly. However, Justin Guarini stopping by Duets would probably be the most exciting thing to happen on Kelly Clarkson’s new singing show.
Marie Antoinette: Um, she has no head! Also, we know how the story ends. She has no head! At least there’s cake.
Brokeback Mountain: The only thing worse than wondering if Sam and Diane or Kate and Sawyer or Sookie and whichever blood-sucking mutant she finally chooses are going to get together is knowing that no one is going to leave these two guys long enough for them to get gay married. Also, there are not enough Kleenex in the world to have to watch this for an entire season.
John Carter: You didn’t even realize this was a movie, did you?
Crash: Oh, they tried this already didn’t they? Sorry, Starz!
Waterworld: A series about a post-apocalyptic world where everyone lives on the water and fights over scant supplies and there are mysterious monsters and cool characters and lots of weird costumes. Wait, this sounds like it might actually kinda work!
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan