Are you in withdrawl from the end of Jersey Shore, the most important sociological experiment of our time? Well, you’re in luck because MTV’s new show Buckwild is basically the same thing. Well, it’s like Jersey Shore and Jackass put together. But it’s not a good combination like chocolate and peanut butter. It’s more like putting together two great things that end up being disgusting, like bacon and yellow Gatorade. No one wants that.
Anyway Buckwild is about eight high school graduates (that is how they gauge success in West Virginia) in the country and the crazy lives they lead and the insane stunts they pull. There is boozing and fighting and girls falling over without wearing their underwear, so it’s just like JS. Also, they have all sorts of words and traditions that don’t make any sense to the average viewer. In order so that everyone can understand these beloved bumpkins, I compiled a glossary of what you need to know from the first two episodes (which you can watch below). Consider yourself schooled.
Sissonville, West Virginia: The home of Buckwild. According to its inhabitants, it is the “funnest” place on Earth.
The Coolest Guys: Someone who works either as a trash collector or at the spark plug factory.
Wheel Rolling: A native past time where an individual climbs into a giant tractor tire and then goes rolling down a hill. The passenger regularly wears a helmet after the grisly incident involving Sonny McBride back in 1986.
Muddin’: Driving a pickup truck through muddy puddles with the intent of splashing those in the back of the truck with grime and debris. The most honored position in the truck isn’t the driver’s seat, but in the cab of the truck where one gets the jostling effect of the ride but with the added benefit of staying clean.
Blowed His Motor Up: This is nothing to do with an explosion in an engine but rather getting ones car stuck in the mud through reckless behavior. It is usually solved when someone with a tractor shows up to tow your car.
A Red Headed Farmer: According to local lore, red-headed farmers are the best kinds of farmers. This has something to do with their magical powers to withstand all the elements. They don’t wear shirts in the sun or rain gear in a storm. They just ride on their tractors doing whatever they want, impervious to everything god has to offer.
Wolf Pen: The name of the place where Shain lives. Contrary to what you might believe from the name, they do not enjoy writing or spelling in Wolf Pen.
Holler: A country community usually in valley. The name comes from the echo that occurs when you scream requests for simple goods from your front door. They are usually met with a bellow of equal force but no direct results.
Wolf Pen Bouquet: Snatching a bunch of wildflowers out from the roots and handing them to a girl, dirt clods and all.
Power Plant Water: The run off of a power plant, according to the kids of Buckwild is a perfect place to swim.
Willie Wonka: The Buckwild girls red-haired neighbor. Willie Wonka has a strange code of etiquette. She believes that making demands and then saying “Please and Thank You,” after them makes you polite. Willie Wonka is insane and she knows it.
Snuggles: The name of a dog that waddles.
Moving Dirt: An activity where an individual stands on a mound of dirt in the back of a dump truck and then holds onto the back of the truck when the dirt is unloaded so as not to be trapped in an avalanche of soil. There is no actual moving involved.
The Perfect Excuse to Go Out: No electricity or running water.
Rehab: The name of a bar. Amy Winehouse did not want to go there. I don’t blame her.
A Va-Gine: A weak person, or one who does not have balls.
Charleston: A place where there are hundreds of cops.
Salwa: She is the life of the party, mostly because she is very willing to show off her breasts.
Attractive: A woman makes herself desirable to a man when she has good style and has a “brain on her shoulders.” The bumpkin man’s love of gore knows no bounds.
Swimming Pool: Since it is impossible to dig into the impenetrable mud of the holler, a pool must be fashioned out of a dump truck with mattresses in the bottom which is then covered in a giant plastic tarp taped to the sides of the truck and then filled overnight with water from the hose.
Monkey Sex: Sexual intercourse which is very loud in nature.
Having Sex in Someone Else’s Bed: This is disgusting and disrespectful. It is also something that girls care about way more than boys, apparently.
Deuces: Something you scream at someone you hate as they drive away.
Daggone: An expression of exasperation used especially after someone walks away with your bag of chips and doesn’t return them.
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
[Photo Credit: MTV]