‘Nashville’ Recap: Two Faces to Every Demented Story

ALTWe all know our friends down South can exercise the right to some good ole’ passive aggressive bitchiness. It’s in their blood, or something. And tonight, for the first time perhaps, we see it bursting out of everyone’s perfect, small pores full steam ahead. Last week on Nashville, everyone was so depressed. There were tears and groans and so many sighs. Everyone was mourning over their losses – and probably the fact that we were left off without a tad of real drama – crying about how great life once was. But this week was different. There was a quick turn from sad to phony and showed everyone’s beautifully deceitful true colors.

The Rayna and Deacon Story

Deacon is still hustling on tour with his jerk bandmates. They’re all so grimy and sleazy and corrupt, but they have unlimited drug resources and get to jam all night long! Deacon doesn’t mind it so much, especially since Carmen’s sweet lips are still available for late-night room service. Plus, he gets to do his own thing, out of the Rayna spotlight. He’s doing just fine, until he decides to bring Scarlett backstage with him after one of his shows. The sweet young thing in white lace and an inexplicable lisp of sorts gets hurried to a secret room by his jerkface bandmate and nearly gets raped! Well, maybe not raped, but he did have Scar’s back against the wall and wouldn’t let her go as much as she pleaded. It takes all of Deacon’s will and might to burst in there and pull her back out, but not before landing several hits on the d-bags alcohol-wrinkled eyes. A hero! So, his tour abruptly ends, but not because he misses Rayna. The Queen, on the other hand, misses him dearly. She misses the way he wore his cowboy boots on stage and left his face unkempt and hair dripping in grease. She wants her guitarist back on stage with her and no one else will do. She tries another dude, but he’s not about giving her the whole spotlight so he up and quits. She finally convinces another guy who’s already part of her crew to hop on the guitar bandwagon and because he clearly wants to bang her, he obliges. And from the looks of the next episode, it appears that might just happen. Everybody wins!

The Scarlett-Gunnar-Avery Story

Avery, oh Avery. The choker-clad kid just wants to make it big. And this time he’s pulling out all the stops. While using a cougar agent for press – or is she using him? – Avery pushes the age-old where’s ma money whine and finally ladymom tells him that it’s coming. It’s just not coming until she get him all the money in the world. All the money he so deserves. The fact that he doesn’t see through this bullsh*t is enough to know he’s not going anywhere. Not without the help of Scarlett, at least. But see, Scar seems to be totally over his deep v-necks and stringy hair. She’s all about Gunnar these days, which is like, yay finally. The two continue to play their music and laugh and sing and fall slowly and deeply into a love so pure it’s intoxicating to watch. But he’s got problems of his own. Gunnar’s brother is back in the picture and boy does he have a story. They were young and stupid at one point when they were young and stupid and his brother robbed a store or something and got locked up for a hundred years. So now he’s back! And he says he just wants to play music and be a family again, but once behind bars always behind bars. Right? Anyway, he steals Gunnar’s guitar at the end of the day and it was as if he never existed… again.

The Teddy and Rayna Story

Man are these two totally f***ed. Rayna left for her tour and didn’t want to look back at all. She didn’t care about Teddy’s campaign or the fact that she won’t be able to eat freshly baked chocolate chip cookies every night with her annoyingly perfect kids. She wants none of it. Teddy does, though, at least we are led to believe. He sits at home petting his non-existent facial hair and plucking his brows wondering what (or who) she’s doing. He wants their family back together and knows that landing the Mayorship will bring them close again. But that wasn’t coming together as easy as he had hoped. He’s behind in the polls and even though he wants it badly, he won’t allow Lamar to pull strings. Though we know Lamar doesn’t need his approval to do anything. At first, Rayna doesn’t even want to come home for the big announcement, but last minute she decides she has to be. As the two sit there, watching the final polls come in revealing that Teddy has in fact won, they can’t hide their subtle disappointment in one another. Neither wants to be sitting there, pretending. Pretending that their marriage is going to work. Pretending that winning Mayor is going to do anything but complicate matters worse. Pretending that Deacon’s face isn’t flashing before their eyes. After the celebration, Teddy goes to his hotel room (?) and strips off his blazer. He hears a knock on the door. It’s Peggy. Crazy, crazy Peggy. She’s back from her pill overdose hospital stint and creepily wants to wish him congratulations. Before she leaves, though, she leans in, ready to smack her psychotic lips on his, but doesn’t. This has happened before and without question will happen again.

The Juliette and Celibate Football Player Boyfriend Story

Remember when Juliette got married for like a hot sec and then fled the scene and pretended that it never happened? That was funny. She’s so funny this girl! Just because you’re a superstar doesn’t mean things like marriage don’t exist. Unless you’re Kim Kardashian. So, J is trying to divorce her virgin husband because an annulment is just too tricky. And it’s really hard for her to juggle all of this nonsense while preparing for her tour! God! She’s still sad about the whole thing, though. You know, behind her icy exterior that is just getting thinner by the minute. Anyway, so she eventually lawyers up and makes time to sit in a room with him and settle things. Her face says she doesn’t care, but we all know better. And now it’s over. It’s all over.

[Image Credit: ABC]

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