‘New Girl’ Recap: Cece’s Bachelorette Party and Nick’s D**k Pic

Credit: Jennifer Clasen/FOX

Well, they can’t all be perfect. No, I’m not talking about bachelorette parties with sky high expectations, or reunions with college flames, or even d**ks. (Though, apparently, Nick Miller boasts a “prize hog,” so some things can be perfect beyond reason). Rather, New Girl episodes can’t all be perfect. Sad, but true, especially considering the show’s recent track record. 

While Tuesday night’s new — albeit, out of chronological order — episode “Bachelorette Party” wasn’t a bad episode, per se, it wasn’t up to snuff with the episodes from the past few weeks. That’s largely because Nick and Jess weren’t the center of attention, Winston and Schmidt were off doing their own things (well, Schmidt was… Winston was basically a prop), and the focus was on the show’s least interesting character, Cece. To be fair, Cece works when she’s interacting with Schmidt or Jess, but the storyline about her and her fiancé Shivrang (Satya Bhabha) is just so uninspired. Sort of like their relationship. 

Jess threw Cece the surprise bachelorette party of her dreams, which  turned out to be something of a nightmare when her guests (a mixture of models, one lawyer, and Jess’ very pregnant lesbian gynocologist friend) don’t mesh, Cece’s fiancé Shivrang’s conservative Indian aunt tags along and judges the lot, the stripper Alfredo breaks down in tears, and the bride-to-be admits that she is freaked out that she hasn’t seen her future husband’s manhood. 

The whole thing, like their upcoming marriage, feels incredibly rushed. Why is Cece getting married so quickly? (Probably to avoid overthinking what a mistake this will be, no?) Why does she suddenly care so much about seeing Shivrang’s penis? Even her fight with Jess happens out of nowherem and is resolved in record time, allowing Cece to ask Jess to be her maid of honor. Cece just as quickly reconciles with Shivrang, declaring their “love” a leap of faith and her willingness to jump blindly into the great unknown with her new mate. Granted, they have to get all this stuff out in time for Cece and Shivrang’s wedding to take place during the Season 2 finale… but who are they kidding? It’s all about Nick and Jess this season. 

An on that topic, Nick and Jess don’t have much screen time together in “Bachelorette Party.” Still, Jake Johnson earns his keep as MVP. Nick pulls out the old Dead Dad Pass to wear his late father’s yellow track suit, which makes him look like both a “homeless pencil” and “Jane Lynch,” but hey, the DDP trumps all! … Except for when Jess tries to ask him for a favor (apparently, doing favors for the girl you love will override the DDP) to get a photo of Shivrang’s penis for an upset Cece. Instead, Winston (who has taken Nick’s place as the crazed wild card of the bunch) sends a pick of Nick’s d**k. Jess has now seen Nick’s d**k (and is impressed) … can we please just get back to these two and their sexual tension again? 

And, yes, of course, Nick and Jess are the couple we’ve been rooting for to get together for a long time running, but am I crazy for wanting Schmidt to get back together with his old college girlfriend Elizabeth, who we meet in this episode, rather than reuniting with Cece? Schmidt reconnects with her after her desperately tried to get a girlfriend in time to have a plus one to Cece’s wedding. 

Instantly, I like Elizabeth. I like how she knows Schmidt is only at her door because he needed something, I like how she calls him on his s**t for the mean stuff her did to her in their relationship when he got thin. And I like how she makes him the happiest we’ve seen him in ages by forcing him to eat a pizza. Schmidt could use someone as grounded as Elizabeth, and he seems to become his old self (no, not just Fat Schmidt) around her. I hope he really does take her on a date, not to Cece’s wedding, but a proper one. She seems to bring out the good side in Schmidt. Not even Cece could do that. 

“Bachelorette Party” has a few moments that warrant genuine laughter (“Cream cheese in bulk?!”), and showsNew Girl‘s continual progress and amazing self-awareness as a network sitcom (Nick and Winston wonder how Schmidt just instinctively knows to find and bother them at the bar). But overall, it just doesn’t even come close to the calibre of recent eps like “Chicago” and “Quick Hardening Caulk.” Even worse, the four friends are still all split up from each other. Can’t we get the original gang back together before the season comes to a close? Especially now that Winston is a full-blown kook who blows raspberries on people’s bellies and sets trash cans on fire. (You’re welcome, Lamorne Morris). 

Speaking of memorable moments and lines in an otherwise unmemorable, and rather disappointing episode, here are the rest that make “Bachelorette Party” worthwhile: 

– “I’m Gerard Depardieu! Who do you think I am lady? I’m Schmidt!” – Schmidt, making a good first impression with Cece’s future in-laws. 

– Winston’s failed attempted to “kidnap” Shivrang, by actually trying to kidnap him instead of just get him away from the girls’ party. (He brought a bat! Winston is crazy!)

– Schmidt being upset that a lady would throw his advances back at him “like a comedy pie.” 

– Nick pulling the DDP no less than a dozen times throughout the episode. (Not to mention claiming he has recently been “one-half orphaned”). If only he could have used it in college when he had to watch Schmidt and Elizabeth make out in their dorm. 

– “When you question my pajama sets, you question our friendship!”- Jess’ cry to Cece. 

– The fact that Schmidt noticed Alfredo the stripper was crying in the elevator, which means Schmidt knows Alfredo the stripper. 

– “Hello, Jew”- Nadia getting reacquainted with Schmidt. 

– “Welcome home, melted cheese”- Schmidt, getting reacquainted with pizza. 

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