Here is a schedule of when all the shows both new and returning return to your tube and a mean little joke about each of them. No one was spared, including your DVR which will probably be recording half of these.
Tuesday, September 11
New Normal, NBC, 9:30 PM: Enjoy the first season of Ryan Murphy’s new gay dads comedy, before it falls victim to the same fate that befell Glee.
Parenthood, NBC, 10 PM: Did you guys know this was based on a movie? Did you know it was still on?
Sons of Anarchy, FX, 10 PM: Be sure to wear a helmet for this guns, drugs, and motorcycles drama.
Wednesday, September 12
The X-Factor, Fox, 8 PM: Britney Spears, with her hair grown back, tries to hold it together on live TV and give Simon Cowell another hit.
Guys with Kids, NBC, 10 PM: This is not Daddy Day Care, but close.
Thursday, September 13
Glee, Fox, 9 PM: Kurt & Rachel Take New York finds a new night.
The Real Housewives of Miami, Bravo, 10 PM: It’s another go for the franchise’s second most boring cast (hi, D.C.!).
Friday, September 14
Shark Tank, ABC, 8 PM: This is not Discovery and there are no actual sharks. I’m sorry.
What Would You Do?, Network, 9 PM: It’s Candid Camera with a smattering of guilt.
20/20, Network, 10 PM: Barbara Walters is still retired.
Sunday, September 16
Boardwalk Empire, HBO, 9 PM: Nucky killed Jimmy Darmody. Spoiler alert!
Monday, September 17
Bones, Fox, 8 PM: This procedural has been brought to you by the good people at Boniva.
The Mob Doctor, Fox, 9 PM: A young woman must tend to injuries procured when large groups of people dance in public to be put on YouTube. Oh, it’s not The Flash Mob Doctor? Never mind.
Revolution, NBC, 10 PM: You say you want Revolution, well, you know, we all want to change the world (as long as the lights don’t go off and we still have electricity).
Wednesday, September 19
Survivor: Philippines, Network, 8 PM: You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both, and there you have holy s**t, Blair is going to be on Survivor!
Thursday, September 20
Up All Night, NBC, 8:30 PM: I like to call this The Ava Show and pretend everything about the baby never happened.
The Office, NBC, 9 PM: Yes. Still.
Parks & Recreation, NBC, 9:30 PM: I was shocked to learn this was not a USA procedural about sassy lady detectives. Recreation is a really funny last name.
Friday, September 21
Grimm, NBC, 9 PM: I would probably like this show. I should watch it. But I won’t. It’s Friday!
Sunday, September 23
Treme, HBO, 9 PM: Just watch The Wire instead.
Monday, September 24
How I Met Your Mother, CBS, 8 PM: Seriously, we’re ready to find out. Just tell us already! No, not how he met the mother, how Jason Segel hasn’t left this show to do movies yet.
Dancing with the Stars: All-Stars, ABC, 8 PM: Your mom is so excited.
Partners, CBS, 8:30 PM: A gay guy and his straight best friend live and work together. If only they were criminals so we could call this Will & Disgrace.
2 Broke Girls, CBS, 9 PM: Destroying Brooklyn since 2011.
Mike & Molly, CBS, 9:30 PM: More fat jokes.
Castle, ABC, 10 PM: Is this the one about the novelist and his unrequited love who solves crimes, the really smart guy and his unrequited love who solves crimes, or the archeologist and her unrequited love who solves crimes.
Hawaii Five-0, CBS, 10 PM: Yup. It’s on!
Tuesday, September 25
NCIS, CBS, 8 PM: This season [fill in investigation force] discovers [fill in crime] and then [fill in method of prosecution]. Repeat for every CBS procedural.
New Girl, Fox, 8 PM: She’s not so new anymore, but she’s still funny.
Ben and Kate, Fox, 8:30 PM: No, not your college friends who got divorced because she wanted and open marriage so she could sleep with women. No, this is about a wacky brother who is helping his straight-shooting sister who to raise a baby. See, it’s much more normal than your friends Ben and Kate.
NCIS: Los Angeles, CBS, 9 PM: This season [fill in investigation force] discovers [fill in crime] and then [fill in method of prosecution]. Move to L.A.
The Mindy Project, Fox, 9:30 PM: The Office star Mindy Kaling plays a med student starring on a sitcom with a really bad name.
Private Practice, ABC, 10 PM: Hasn’t this hospital been blown up or abducted by aliens or closed down by malpractice lawsuits yet? Everything else has happened there.
Vegas, Network, 10 PM: Apparently what happened there is refusing to stay.
Wednesday, September 26
The Middle, ABC, 8 PM: No, this is not a show about love handles.
Animal Practice, NBC, 8 PM: The show that interrupted the Olympics settles into its regular time slot. There is still a monkey doctor.
Modern Family, ABC, 9 PM: Isn’t their documentary finished yet?
Criminal Minds, CBS, 9 PM: Good guys save the world from bad guys, right? Probably.
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, NBC, 9 PM: If they didn’t make new episodes, what would they show on cable?
CSI: Original Recipe, CBS, 10 PM: A continued investigation into how Ted Danson’s hair piece has fooled us all for so long.
The Neighbors, NBC, 10 PM: Don’t worry, this aliens next door comedy will be cancelled faster than you can say Coneheads.
Thursday, September 27
The Big Bang Theory, CBS, 8 PM: Don’t worry, Miami Bialkis’ hand will still be there.
Last Resort, ABC, 8 PM: A submarine disobeys orders and somehow becomes a sovereign nation with a nuclear bomb. Yeah, I don’t get it either.
Two and a Half Men, CBS, 8:30 PM: Miley Cyrus is on this season. Yeah, for real.
Grey’s Anatomy, ABC, 9 PM: Somewhere on a lonely sofa somewhere in 2003 there is still a crying girl eating a tube of cookie dough out of a tube.
Person of Interest, CBS, 8 PM: Well, not of interest to everybody. But, yes, intersting!
Elementary, CBS, 10 PM: This would have been a great name for a show about a school. Instead it’s a reworking of Sherlock Holmes with Lucy Liu and the former Mr. Angelina Jolie.
Scandal, ABC, 10 PM: This show about the President being a dirty old man started kind of boring but ended quite well. Bring on season two!
Friday, September 28
CSI: NY, CBS, 8 PM: Miami is the one that got cancelled. Sorry, New York.
Made in Jersey, CBS, 9 PM: This is not a show about Snooki’s baby, it is about a blue collar girl taking over a white collar law firm. Sounds like Snooki at Law.
Fringe, Fox, 9 PM: If you haven’t been watching from the beginning, don’t bother.
Blue Bloods, CBS, 10 PM: Home of TV’s best mustache.
Sunday, September 30
Once Upon a Time, ABC, 8 PM: Now all the fairy tales know their in the real world. My 12-year-old self is so excited.
The Amazing Race, CBS, 8 PM: Just give it another Emmy already.
The Simpsons, Fox, 8 PM: All these years and Marge hasn’t aged a day. Screw all the other merchandise, they should bottle that.
Bob’s Burgers, Fox, 8:30 PM: The is the cartoon that isn’t The Simpsons or by Seth MacFarlane.
Revenge, ABC, 9 PM: I am still so pissed about the move to Sunday I can’t even talk about it. But I’m really excited for Madeline Stowe’s immovable forehead.
The Good Wife, CBS, 9 PM: Why do they have to move all the good strong lady shows from Tuesday to Sunday. We can only watch one thing at a time!
Family Guy, Fox, 9 PM: Everyone you know who has done a keg stand is very happy about this.
Dexter, Showtime, 9 PM: Now his sister is in love with him? How did they make a show about a serial killer even creepier?
American Dad, Fox, 9:30 PM: Has the ET that lives in their house ever phoned home? Why not?
666 Park Avenue, ABC, 10 PM: Vanessa Williams and Lost‘s Terry O’Quinn own a haunted apartment building. It’s filled with the ghosts of failed pilots past. Whoooo-hooooo!
The Mentalist, CBS, 10 PM: My mother told me it was rude to call someone that.
Homeland, Showtime, 10 PM: TV’s twistiest hour comes back with terrorists, trips to the Middle East and Claire Danes running and crying. She’s going to win an Emmy for running and crying, you know.
Tuesday, October 2
Hart of Dixie, CW, 8 PM: See Rachel Bilson NOT in one of those Magnum ice cream bar ads.
Raising Hope, Fox, 8 PM: Everyone’s favorite ill-equipped parents are back. No, not Bristol Palin, Snooki or the cast of Teen Mom.
Wednesday, October 3
Supernatural, CW, 9 PM: The real miracle is that this is still around. It must be made of magic.
Thursday, October 4
30 Rock, NBC, 8 PM: Tina Fey’s last season. Start your crying now.
Monday, October 8
90210, Fox, 8 PM: Donna Martin has already graduated, right?
Gossip Girl, CW, 9 PM: Between all the booze, hookups, and bad decisions, it’s amazing Serena van der Woodsen is still alive.
Wednesday, October 10
Arrow, CW, 8 PM: Now that Smallville is off the air, the CW needs another DC Comics hero on its roster. This time it’s a sharp shooter who solves crime. Damn, archery is so hot right now. Thanks Katniss.
Chicago Fire, NBC, 10 PM: Think NYPD Blue but in a fire house. At least there is plenty of shirtlessness.
Nashville, ABC, 10 PM: Watching Connie Britton and Hayden Pain Quotidien have a blonde off in Country Strong: The Program is going to be amazing.
Thursday, October 11
The Vampire Diaries, CW, 8 PM: She’s a vampire now, guys! Finally, the title makes sense.
Beauty and the Beast, CW, 9 PM: Anyone waiting for a “Be Our Guest” reprise is going to be sorely disappointed.
Sunday, October 14
The Walking Dead, AMC, 9 PM: Finally they’re off that damn farm. Now they head to prison. Let’s hope there’s more action there. Also drink every time someone asks, “Where’s Carl?”
Tuesday, October 16
Emily Owens, M.D., CW, 9 PM: Meryl Streep’s daughter deserves better!
Wednesday, October 17
Suburgatory, ABC, 10 PM: The funniest show you don’t watch is back to fell more trees in the forest that no one hears.
Friday, October 17
America’s Next Top Model: College Edition, CW, 9 PM: It makes sense. It seems like Tyra’s baby has been around for 18 years at this point.
Whitney, NBC, 8 PM: Why?
Community, NBC, 8:30 PM: Think people are finally going to start watching Community even without Dan Harmon? Don’t think so. Sorry.
Nikita, CW, 9 PM: Isn’t it about time that Bridget Fonda guest starred?
Tuesday, October 23
Happy Endings, ABC, 9 PM: Just like the happy ending you have to wait until the very end of the season to get this. Unlike a happy ending, this one requires no clean up.
Don’t Trust the B in Apartment 23, ABC, 9:30 PM: Some bangs, same scams, same Van Der Beek. Nothing wrong with that!
