Today is the last episode of Oprah, and WE’RE JOINED TOGETHER IN OUR MISERY. Just kidding. It’s time to give someone else a turn to achieve global domination, right?! But it’s crazy though, because it’s hard to imagine doing anything for 25 years. But Oprah did her talk show for that long! It’s amazing what a person can do once they put their mind to something and once they acquire and audience that needs constant reassurance! Anyway, Oprah actually has been really great, and there was even a time when I was babysitting an infant in high school that I put the child to bed early because Oprah was on and I didn’t want to be interrupted by anything, ESPECIALLY complaints of incontinence. And so it really is too bad it’s over, but I imagine she wants to go have her own life now. So with that, let’s ease the pain with some of our fondest memories from the show.
Oprah Gives Everyone a Car
Oprah Wheels Out Her Fat
Oprah Interviews Tom Cruise
On May 23rd, 2005, Tom Cruise almost broke Oprah by jumping up and down on her couch and squeezing her hands and rocking her back and forth. He also fistbumped the floor. Oprah made a complete recovery while Cruise, however, went on to be interviewed by Matt Lauer in June. Even though he didn’t jump on anything, he had the misfortune of trying to criticize the history of psychiatry with the fact that vitamins are good for you.
Oprah Addresses Sexual Abuse Scandal at Her School in South Africa
Oprah is a do-gooder, you see. She has the best intentions. But sometimes bad things happen, and sometimes the South African girls you hand select to attend your special school are abused by their “dorm matrons.” When that kind of thing happens, it is your duty to tell the members of your audience and your viewers at home (who are folding laundry and mindlessly coloring apples orange with their three year olds) that you did everything to make sure you rectified the situation completely. Which is what she did! Woo Oprah.
Oprah Interviews Mackenzie Phillips
Oprah spent a lot of her show highlighting survivors of sexual abuse because she was molested by her uncle and her cousin. She’s usually very tender when she talks to them because she’s familiar with not only the pain of living with the abuse, but how difficult it is to actually discuss in front of millions of other people. However, Oprah’s attitude changed when she had Mackenzie Phillips on her show. Phillips was there to promote her new book, High On Arrival, in which she discussed her drug use and how she had a sexual relationship with her father for ten years. After Phillips read a section of her book that described one such evening’s activities, she described the sex she had with her father as “consensual incest.” Oprah kind of lost her shit then, and said there’s no such thing as “consensual incest.” Then the two discussed the difference between “consensual incest” and “nonconsensual incest,” which you can imagine was kind of good for everyone.