‘Pretty Little Liars’ Recap: Cabin in the Woods

prettylittle_620_081512.jpgHanna is the laziest person in the history of Lazy Rosewood because Hanna will not help PornStarMom move this random giant plant in the middle of their home. Okay. This is a really weird/awkward way to start the episode, because all of a sudden we’re discussing this… plant. The plant ends up being fake-not-really important because when Hanna finally decides to stand up, she notices a secret old rainy note on the ground. Hanna is the laziest person ever. The note is from Maya, starting with an apology but also saying that she had something to tell Emily. Maya also explains that her cellphone was stolen, which is something you would know in 2.7 seconds of it happening with Facebook and Twitter and everything. Maya wrote the note the day that she died, which is awful. However, it seems that Maya’s death wasn’t as convenient as Ali’s Labor Day demise. I love hearing Spencer talk about Labor Day, because Spencer is really smart and knows that date of Labor Date.

Meanwhile, in the Kingdom of the Pedophile Professor, I made a major mistake in last week’s recap! I just assumed that Ezra’s Mother paid for an abortion, but I guess it would make more sense if Mother just made the pregnant girlfriend disappear. That still doesn’t really solve the issue of Ezra being the father of a child, but it is what it is and this is Pretty Little Liars, people. Ezra and Aria make super uncomfortable morning banter while Aria puts cream cheese on 17 jalapeno pepper bagels. I didn’t know that was a thing – jalapeno pepper bagels – and I wish I still didn’t know; Ezra and I are in the same boat here. Aria begins asking a lot of questions about Maggie; Ezra is like, “UMM sorry I didn’t tell you all of my secrets the first time I met you” while Aria is all, “UMM sorry I’m not sorry that my secrets are the most serious thing ever in the history of the human race or the universe.”

I don’t understand when the Liars have school and when they have free time because it seems like everyone just goes to school to talk on the cellphone in the hallway or to eat vegetables for lunch. Hanna is stalking Maya’s videos like her life depends on it (it probably does) at the local coffee shop when Wren appears out of the ether. HOT BRITISH DOCTOR!!! KISS HIM, HANNA!!! Hanna says she will not kiss him, but Wren proves that he is the most understanding gentleman and leaves.

Spencer spends all of her time at school, as she is the only high school senior in Rosewood that’s even remotely concerned about getting into college. However, she also spends a lot of time not doing school things. Spencer has a long chat with Emily about Maya, and about how no one cares that Nate is super creepy. Also, Toby is working out in Bucks County for the time being, which means that he is either visiting my cousins that live in Bucks County or he is visiting the set of a M. Light Shyamalan movie. Emily thinks that lying to Toby would be like “lying to the Dalai Lama.” NOPE. Toby is an evil teenage werewolf! Spencer is also freaking out about getting a B in one of her classes (“B is for bad”). Be less boring here, ladies. The conversation ends when Paige arrives wearing a LESBIAN AMERICAN BIKER CUT-OFF and Spencer runs away in fear.

Cute Punky Wannabe Ryan Gosling Coffee Shop Owner, known to everyone on the show as Zach, is on a question mark date with Aria’s Mom literally in the middle of her classroom. Zach is wearing a CLASH shirt and a leather jacket, so he is clearly super alternative but not scary alternative. Zach talks about having a “cannoli to stuff,” makes out with Aria’s Mom in the middle of the school, and has awkward banter with Aria. I think the old-young dynamic going on in the love lives of both Aria and her mother is really interesting. It made me squeal, if I’m going to be really honest with you all. However, Aria’s Mom is dating 1,024 people at the same time due to her dating website profile; she doesn’t want to settle down with Zach just yet, and PornStarMom taught her to be an independent slut.

Hanna has become super creepy bizarre about Maya. Like, this is some Claire Danes on Homeland episode 109 business (that episode is titled “The Vest” – I will not ruin anything because I hate spoilers and Homeland is amazing and at the end of that episode I was actually shaking). Hanna printed out every single picture of Maya from the awful cursed Maya website, and even Emily is not getting good vibes. Hanna reveals that she is basically secret dating Caleb, but needs to keep everything a secret so A doesn’t target Caleb. That’s really smart. The pictures lead to the revelation that Maya was visiting Noel Kahn’s cabin the night she died. Yikes. 

A bunch of weird random stuff occurs that isn’t really important. Basically – Nate is the worst, Paige is a bad swimmer now, and Spencer sneaks into the men’s locker room during football practice to steal from Noel. The whole Spencer shebang felt like an expensive set-up for bad porn. Emily and Hanna decide to sneak around the Kahn cabin to find missing clues, and Spencer decides she is not starring in a porno.

The Kahn cabin is a mess. The Kahn brothers need to learn how to clean up, because these girls are finding the mess in the middle of the week and I believe the Kahn brothers throw their shindigs on Friday nights. Hanna sneaks into the biggest board game closet ever, and finds a secret door behind the game cabinet. Hanna has sleuthing superpowers. Inside the secret room is a gross sleeping bag and a stool that you can maybe buy from IKEA. Maya has a card that Emily made for Ali on her 14th birthday in some luggage that was left behind in the back room, which is the creepiest. Creepier than every doll combined. BUT, SUDDENLY, HANNA AND EMILY ARE LOCKED IN. Duh. This was never going to end well.

Spencer is out of the loop – she failed at stealing things from Noel’s football locker, and she failed at having sex with the entire football team in the showers. Lose-lose. However, Spencer gets a blocked email that links to… nighttime footage of the outside of the Kahn cabin? Who has nighttime security footage of their frat pad? Who knows how to send a blocked email? Spencer keeps a lot of handy notes on her iPad, so she knows that the footage comes from the night of Maya’s murder. The Kahn cabin has become such a staple this season, which I really appreciate because the writers did not create a brand new character/location to make all of this madness occur. That is what usually happens, and I’m not complaining, but yeah.

While three Liars are risking their lives (and sexual porno integrity) to discover what happened to Maya, Aria is gossiping with her mother about this new boytoy. Aria tells Zach that she will crush the coffee shop scones if he hurts her mother. That’s kind of kinky! Scones! Aria and Mom do yoga together and chat about Zach. Mom decides she’s ready to go for the gold with Mom. Zach thinks Mom is really sexy. Go, Mom, GO.

Hanna and Emily are trapped in this cabin. TRAPPED. Everything is dark, everything is boarded up, everything is the worst. Hanna gets stabbed in the leg. This is not a joke. There is blood all over Hanna’s tight pink jeans. Emily turns into Xena Princess Warrior and hacks her way through the boarded up window with either a baseball bat or an ax; it was dark, so I couldn’t see the weapon. The ladies escape, but Hanna can barely walk because she is bleeding. Do people bleed on PLL? I feel like this has never happened before, and it is h-o-r-r-i-f-y-i-n-g. We get a note in red spray paint on the side of the cabin: I’M SAVING YOU FOR LATER –A. THAT IS HORRIFYING.

When Emily and Hanna finally make it home, Emily knows that Hanna’s leg is in trouble – “It’s not a cut. It’s a stab wound.” I’m not sure when Emily learned how to differentiate between cuts and stab wounds, but Emily is now an expert at those two things. Hanna clearly doesn’t want to go to the hospital. So… Hanna calls Wren! Wren has to slice off Hanna’s jeans to get to the stab, which means that her nice pink jeans are now completely ruined. Tragic. Wren tries to get romantic after the leg is patched up with stiches and everything on top of the kitchen counter, but Hanna clearly isn’t in the mood for a make-out session. Wren is still kind of confused, considering that he is incredibly attractive and has a British accent yet cannot woo Hanna, but Wren respects Hanna’s space. UGH. Secret Caleb relationships! Not great!

Emily does home to relax and prepare to watch a movie with Paige, but Nate shows up. Nate is currently my least favorite character on the show; I hope Nate is A and I hope Nate killed Maya and I hope Nate dies a gruesome death. Nate is crying a lot because he is emotional about losing Maya, which seems a little ridiculous because they are only cousins and Maya did not mention Nate once in her entire life… Then. THEN. No. Nate kisses Emily. Emily is okay with it. They are making out. Paige walks up and sees! This is the worst. This is so upsetting. I talked a couple of weeks ago about how awful it would be if Nate and Emily started something romantic and/or sexual. I hate all of this. Emily clearly did not enjoy the moment but Nate clearly enjoyed the moment. Paige cancels the date because she doesn’t “feel well.” Emily, you mean nothing to me. Emily, I’m so mad at you.

The next day, Emily and Paige talk in the locker room about the night. Paige is being passive-aggressive and asking intense questions, but I wish she would just grab Emily in a chokehold and slam her against the lockers. Also, Emily says that Nate showed up looking super emotional but does not mention the kiss to Paige. None of this is good for you, Emily. You look bad. I feel sick to my stomach now. I feel you, Paige. I understand Paige’s pain.

Ezra and Aria are dealing with a lot of silence this episode. Ezra is out of it because Ezra found Maggie. Maggie is living in Delaware. Ezra is going to figure out what he’s doing in regards to this baby mama. I don’t like Maggie, but I liked Ezra’s little brother Wesley and I wish he was still around this episode. I also wish CeCe was hanging around, at least to give Spencer moral support for Penn, but that dream also did not come true. FMaggie is clearly going to appear in the next couple of weeks, so I think everyone should start bracing themselves… now.

Thankfully, this moment allows everyone to sneak away from their dumb personal drama to deal with Spencer’s real world murder drama – Maya finally jumps into the frame of the security footage. Noel and Jenna arrive in their swanky car and waltz inside. This is when we see Maya again. This is when we see Maya grabbed, only the assaulter is outside of the footage frame. This is one of the scariest things ever, because this tape and other outside evidence shows that Noel, Jenna, and Garrett are all innocent in the murder of Maya. We’re dealing with some serious drama. I’m scared. Who could have done this? NATE. That’s not an answer but my guess that I am presenting as solid evidence to arrest Nate forever and ever amen.

Our last scene with A shows A hanging up a bunch of identical black hoodies and listening to a news story about the court case against Garrett. I liked the hints from Old A/Mona because they always had the creepiest music and genuinely revealed something that would come into play very soon. Tonight’s “clue” was pointless. I wish I could light tonight’s clue on fire… Question of the week – how long before Paige sneaks into Nate’s room in the middle to cut off his balls? My official guess is two weeks, but we all know that Paige is incredibly unstable and could attack in 43 minutes. Fingers crossed.

[Image Credit: ABC Family]


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