Jason’s body disappeared? Who cares! We’ll deal with that down the road! This episode features maybe the most independent visits to the coffee shop this show has ever seen, which means that it is full of random drama and also hard evidence that Emily actually does still work at the hottest spot in town.
The Liars are hanging out, drinking coffee at 3:00am on a Sunday night/Monday morning; everyone puts together the easiest puzzle in the world – it looks like CeCe is Red Hood! Hanna names our mystery gal “Red Coat,” which just isn’t as snappy as my fantastic moniker. Spencer isn’t paying attention to anything, and I’m getting the feeling that she’s using MapQuest on her phone to look up the nearest construction zone – where in the world is Toby? While PLL never takes its time with a storyline, the show has really handled itself well in keeping Toby off the screen and giving Spencer the space to go legitimately crazy.
Hanna, meanwhile, is a really great snoop and is able to read Spencer’s phone — Spencer has a text from Wren, making sure she’s okay after the Mona scuffle. Hanna is wearing a wonderful plaid jacket, and Ashley Benson is currently jetting all over Europe to promote Spring Breakers (check her Instagram from the glamour). I am so jealous of Ashley Benson, because she is Hanna Marin as well as all of these other life perks. Spring Breakers is going to be my favorite movie of all time.
Regardless, Creepy Detective Wilden barges into the coffee shop and rudely interrupts this dour hangout. However, Hanna has the greatest alibi: “Drinking coffee is not a crime.” Creepy Detective wants everyone to stop talking about the Ali pregnancy rumor, and Hanna clearly sticks her neck out as the one that is spreading dirt. Whatever, it is time for these ladies and get some sleep before classes in the morning! Good thing the wonderful students at Rosewood never have to go to actual class. Goodnight, Creepy Detective.
Aria heads into Ezra’s apartment… and Papa Fitz is back! The boyfriend is home! An awkward moment starts the reunion because Aria is leaving a voicemail for Wes while she steps into the apartment. Oops. Ezra and Aria have a weird conversation about the repercussions of having babies after high school and not calling your underage girlfriend back, but it looks like Rosewood’s Odd Couple is going to stick it out. Love! It is real! Ezria is back in action, but it’s only a matter of time before this relationship meets the craziest drama on television. Aria is wearing amazing metallic red leggings, but it seems like she enjoys wearing them a little too much because she does not take them off the entire episode. I also learned that Aria is a vegan. Another note: Aria starts the scene looking really beautiful and ends the scene looking like a chubby baby. What is going on with this girl?
PornStarMom and Hanna are wearing match-ish outfits while strolling through Downtown Rosewood for their morning coffee: PornStarMom is wearing a bright pink top under her black blazer, while Hanna is wearing a chic black top under her popping blue blazer. What a duo, these two. Creepy Detective pushes CeCe into his car, and gives Hanna an evil glare – there’s too much happening in this sketchy town! PornStarMom and Ali slept with the same man! That’s the rumor! This isn’t going to end well, let me tell you.
Melissa is back from whatever excuse the writers’ room cooked up and tries to give Spencer a pep talk, but Melissa’s hair looks absolutely awful. This must be the reason Spencer can’t get out of bed. Maybe Spencer would be able to wake up if she didn’t drink coffee at 3:00am. Spencer eventually makes it to school, but she spends her entire day sitting in an empty classroom. AGAIN – THERE ARE NO CLASSES AT ROSEWOOD, ALERT THE GOVERNMENT. Spencer wins Angsty Teen of the Year, and Aria’s Mother wins Best Teacher Giving Advice to a Student in an Empty Classroom. You can really tell Spencer is going through a hard time because she still can’t do her hair. My friend thinks Spencer looks really great with her unwashed hair. My friend is mentally insane, and definitely a little drunk.
Emily is shocked that Hanna would give money to a church (“YOU gave money to a CHURCH?”), and doesn’t care at all that Uncle Father might be stealing from the church/his new employer. Okay, that’s not really true, but Emily brushes off Hanna’s suspicious like it’s the most ridiculous thought in the world.
After school, Paige hangs out in her car, listening to super loud lesbian pop and searching for the address of the Rosewood Costume Shop with her car’s built-in Bing computer. Bing is the worst search engine in the history of the human race, but ABC Family is still trying to convince us that Bing can solve any problems. Last time I accidentally searched on Bing (search: “Rihanna Terry Richardson”), I think I received results that linked me to Dora the Explorer coloring books. Always use Google for your Rihanna image searches, people. Always turn to Google. Also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO RIHANNA!!! Would Rihanna ever make a PLL cameo? No? Can’t you let a boy dream?
Anyway, Hanna and Emily roll up to Paige’s car, and Paige tries to pretend that she is not a conniving lesbian; thankfully, her loud lesbian pop and secret Bing searching show that she is very guilty of being conniving and being a lesbian. Hanna gives Paige the most sass possible, and once again Hanna attacks someone that deserves to lose. Hanna is fighting for the goodness of all of humanity. Hanna is our savior. Amen to Hanna. Bible.
Emily and Hanna join in the trip to the costume shop, where Shayna/Shauna/Shawna is running things like a good lesbian does – blaring crazy awful loud lesbian pop music. Everyone engages in the awkward lesbian triangle at play, until Emily and Hanna snap out of it and snap into action; Emily “goes to the bathroom,” while Hanna distracts Shayna/Shauna/Shawna by asking stupid questions regarding the fabrics of Halloween costumes (“I love fashion!”). This is one of those costume shops where the “medieval garment” cost $7 to make and is then sold for $77 dollars plus tax. Emily successfully emails herself the confidential information about people who have purchased the Evil Queen of Hearts Train Choker costume, and everyone escapes with only slight lesbian side-eye.
Aria is doing all of her homework at the coffee shop when Mrs. Fitzgerald comes in with her ugly rich clothes and hideous wig. See you next Tuesday, Mrs. Fitz! No one cares what you have to stay! Stop sabotaging Aria! Post-Halloween excursion, Hanna is worried about Shayna/Shauna/Shawn’s sexuality: “Do you even know that Shawna is gay? She didn’t even look at me!” Emily is clearly worried that Paige is cheating on her, and Emily honestly needs to get over it. Paige is the worst. If Paige ever cheated on Emily, God would murder her immediately. God would strike Paige down with a million lightening bolts.
PornStarMom and Creepy Detective are out to dinner — it looks like Creep Detective is trying to figure out exactly what Hanna knows about the whole Ali/CeCe scandal. I’m still having a hard time knowing that Creepy Detective slept with both PornStarMom and Ali. That’s absolutely outrageous. PornStarMom proves that she’s the baddest adult bitch (she gave birth to the baddest teen bitch): “I think you bought a glass of wine for the wrong person.” Date over. I feel like this might be the episode where I start calling PornStarMom by her actual character name (Ashley Marin) because she really does bring the serious heat by episode’s end. We’ll see…
Back at the coffee shop, Spencer is completely alone; the coffee shop is really cashing in on lonely Liars. Wren shows up out of the blue, decides that he wants to be on the show again, and confesses that he also came to Spencer’s side the other night because he still has feelings for her. How adorable! Remember when you were macking with Hanna in the middle of a mental ward, Wren? Does Spencer know about that? Spencer and Wren head out for an actual date, even though Spencer still hasn’t washed her hair since the night she collapsed outside of Toby’s apartment. We will learn all about her showering habits by the end of the episode – exhilarating.
Spencer and Wren finish their date with a super romantic conversation about how Spencer stole a paperweight from her Nana’s house, and the two decide to kiss. Beautiful. Spencer has become rather horny post-Toby, no? From strip poker with Hot Nerdy Football Player to making out with Hot British Doctor in the middle of the street, Spencer is really having a difficult time. Important: Spencer spots Red Hood watching her post-kiss, but when Spence tries to follow, Red Hood is missing. Spooky.
Aria complains about her baby drama, and admits the Wesley kiss to Hanna and Emily. Mama Fitz and Ezra are getting into a massive fight when Aria shows up for dinner, and Ezra explains that he’s not backing down from his life: “I’m not going to apologize for loving you,” Ezra pleads to Aria in front of his mother, and the moment is almost too beautiful to handle. Thankfully, all of the earnest emotion is broken up by Mrs. Fitzgerald’s truly horrendous hair. That hair pierce is heinous. This is all boring me now.
Emily’s plaid vest makes her look like a giant lesbian while fighting with her lesbian girlfriend. Paige can’t understand why Emily is so stuck on keeping Paige out of the hunt for A, and Emily has to explain that this entire thing is bigger than Mona. Why is everyone in Rosewood so stupid? Clearly there is more going on here than just the girl that is now president of the brainiacs! Emily also lets on that “at first we thought it was CeCe” under the Red Hood, which means that a lot has happened in Emily’s brain since the girls were ready to 100 percent pin things on CeCe roughly 14 hours earlier. Also, Paige and Shayna/Shauna/Shawna (I spelled it three different ways in my notes, so we’re sticking to my consistency) dated over the summer! Did Emily take a trip to Haiti over the summer, or was Emily just blacked out the entire time from her brief flirtation with alcoholism? I don’t remember this trip to Haiti. Maybe I’ve been drunk this entire time.
Hanna misses her mother’s voicemail due to her incredibly loud music, as PornStarMom/Ashley really wants to talk to Hanna about the Creepy Detective Wilden accusations. Clearly PornStarMom thinks something is up after her creepy dinner with Creepy Detective; what she doesn’t know (yet) is that Wilden is following in his squad car as the two pull away from the restaurant. Clearly this is bad… when Wilden pulls PornStarMom over! He asks if she is sober! Wilden pulls PornStarMom out of the car, and he begins questioning her again on what Hanna actually knows: “Either you shut Hanna up or I will!” This sounds very much like a threat A once made to Spencer using day-glo paint inside a carnival (“Shut up or I’ll shut you up”), so clearly my r-A-dar (OMG, I’M HILARIOUS) is going off. When Wilden won’t get out of the way, PornStarMom runs him over with her car. Perfect. GO, ASHLEY. Everything bad happens in the middle of the Rosewood woods.
This is an entire paragraph from my notes: “Melissa, get a weave.”
Ezra’s favorite movie is Chinatown, which should surprise no one. Also unsurprising is when Aria’s perfect movie night is interrupted. Maggie calls Ezra in a tizzy – Mrs. Fitz owns Maggie’s condo, and Mrs. Fitz is getting ready to sell the property after the battle with Aria/Ezra. I’m already bored with this storyline. Wes needs to come back and shake things up for our perfect little couple and their wonky baby storyline. Or Aria’s brother needs to return from boot camp, reinstall the horrible rear view mirror on his desk, and start carrying a gun. Did Aria’s brother have a gun? I think I’m starting to make up old plots. I had a very high fever during last week’s episode, and as a result had very freakish PLL fever dreams. No one wants to hear these dreams, believe me.
At the Hastings residence, Spencer decides to finally take a shower… except for the fact that she can turn her shower into a giant makeshift steam room. Umm, Spencer? This is what Hannah did on Girls two weeks ago, which resulted in very bad things for Hannah and a very polarizing opinion from the general audience. Also, wash your damn hair. Spencer does not listen to the advice she could learn from television and gets trapped inside the steam as A manipulates the heat to 293 degrees Fahrenheit. A sexy Patrick Wilson does not rescue Spencer, but she is saved instead by a loyal and sweet Aria. I feel like Hannah wins in the long run, because she got to have sex with Patrick Wilson and is living in HBO’s Brooklyn, but at least Spencer is alive. There’s always a silver lining.
Emily walks in on CeCe running away, because suddenly Emily knows where CeCe lives; CeCe has never had a home on this show, only a boutique. CeCe and Emily sort of circle around all of the clues CeCe brought to the table regarding Ali and Wilden and Ali’s maybe pregnancy, but CeCe has to bolt because Wilden is mentally unstable. I love typing the name CeCe, and I have a feeling we’re not going to see her for a long time. That makes me very sad. CeCe had no idea who to trust in Rosewood, and since Emily shared the little pregnancy secret with everyone she’s ever friend requested on Facebook, it’s probably a good time to skip town. We do get one juicy tidbit while CeCe skips out the door: MELISSA HASTINGS TOOK THE PICTURE ON THE SAILBOAT. Melissa has always been evil and I’ve always hated her, so this really should not come as a big shock. Melissa has a lot of secrets.
PornStarMom is afraid that she killed Wilden with her car, so she goes to investigate the scene of the “crime” with Hanna. Wilden’s body is missing, which is PLL’s favorite move at the end of an episode. Also, Wilden’s cop camera recorded the entire sequence of events; I’m guessing that video will be important in the next arc? At the same time, Spencer tells Aria that she knows who’s helping Mona and is ready to loop the girls in. It seems that A’s attempt to murder Spencer through steam burns fixed Spencer’s brain, and she’s ready to tell her fellow Liars the truth about Toby. I can’t wait for this crazy to hit the public.
Night cap: Black Gloves is making a scary flower arrangement, which features some really beautiful roses marred by a scary “With Deepest Sympathy” banner. Black Gloves, why are you preparing this funeral arrangement? My favorite wink of the episode is the song the plays over this sequence, from Black Gloves’ record player, “Steam Heat,” from The Pajama Game. Get it? DO YOU GET IT? HAHAHA, TEAM A IS SO WITTY! This episode was even more boring than last week’s bonkers installment. I need someone to actually die instead of just disappear. I pick Paige.
[Image Credit: Eric McCandles/ABC Family(2)]