Pretty Little Liars continues to get scarier and scarier, to the point where I’m telling all of my friends that if they’re ever placed inside of a mental institution I will definitely not be visiting them. Also, we’ve looped creepy wooden puppets back in the game, which are exponentially more frightening then just creepy wooden dolls.
The episode begins with the three “healthy” Liars visiting the one “sick” Liar – I thought Spencer wasn’t allowed to have visitors, and she definitely isn’t allowed to have visitors when the lighting looks something like midnight, but I guess Old Granny Nurse treats our special friend as her own special friend. Everyone is trying to be super delicate and sweet, except for Hanna, who just suddenly blurts out that the Rosewood park rangers (there should be 950 employed rangers for the size of the Rosewood forest) found a body. Spencer is kind of out of it and definitely doesn’t want to go home when she’s hypothetically released from the hospital the next day – she needs to stick around and figure out some things in her brain. How sad; what Spencer really needs is a difficult Sudoku puzzle and some quality sex with Toby. Evil Toby will even do for the whole sex thing! Honestly, Evil Toby is probably even better!
Hanna remarks that she saw “a roach big enough to wear an apron” in the kitchen, which I think is an exaggeration but I’m never entirely sure when it comes to My Favorite Person. Another nice note from Hanna to Spencer: “You are not crazy – this place is.” Spencer doesn’t budge. Spencer looks back in anger. Spencer is slowly but surely becoming Mona’s little puppet.
The next morning, Hanna declares that she only slept for 20 minutes. It looks like Hanna spent the rest of her night throwing all of her belongings around Emily’s room because she’s so stressed out about Wilden and the sunken cop car. Hurricane Hanna is in the house. Emily says there’s nothing to worry about because “cars don’t float – if they did, pilgrims would have driven here.” Emily is now Dumbest Liar in America, because she is just so damn stupid and not even stupid-funny-smart-sharp like Hanna. Emily’s Mom thinks that Hanna doesn’t know the word “fold,” which is kind of rude but also probably true. Ezra & Aria hang around the Rosewood cafes, being boring to the maximum. Ezra is going to let Aria pick up Malcolm from his karate class, which means that Malcolm will probably be dead by the end of our third season. I am so afraid for poor, chin-scarped Malcolm’s desolate future.
CALEB IS BACK!!! HOORAY!!! Emily’s Mother sprayed Hanna with air freshener on her way out the door, including all up in Hanna’s hair. Caleb thinks it’s a sexy smell, which makes sense from the kid that used to sneak into the library and sleep in the ducts. Hanna might be a little messy with her personal items but she has never not washed her hair (double negative, I know – kiss my ass, English). Hanna’s hair is not even having it’s greatest/chicest moments this week, but she’s never fallen down to air freshener levels. Like, Febreze in your hair. Spencer, on the other hand… Regardless, Hanna is the funniest person in the world, she has the cutest boyfriend, and she is conflicted about the whole secret drama with Uncle Father stealing from the church. God always gets in the way of these things, you know?
Shana & Emily are texting, which makes Emily blush while Paige is on “vacation.” Okay – how the hell can Paige be on vacation in the middle of a random school week? Emily screamed at Paige about Shana but is now texting and blushing? Is Emily our undercover Rosewood slut? I hope Paige gets expelled – you can’t play the lesbian card on a super random vacation anymore. I’ve had enough! Our three trusty Liars are going to sneak into the morgue and take a Snapchat of the corpse; I feel like Hanna definitely has Snapchat on her phone, while Emily is using Tinder. Snapchat would be a great app in which to capture the face of a corpse found in the woods because I really don’t want my friends stumbling up the pictures of a body bag when scrolling through my glamorous pictures from Saturday night. This is all Hanna using Snapchat because she is obviously the only Liar allowed to use her phone in the morgue, as decided by Emily. That Emily, so bossy.
Spencer is playing Settlers of Catan or RISK or some other janky world domination board game at the ward, except that the board doubles as Mona’s old map of the hospital grounds. It’s like a treasure map! It leads to a secret window/secret garden, because the one unlocked and unsupervised window in the entire psych ward would require an elaborate code to locate. Eddie Lamb is still in cahoots with Spencer, and Wren is giving everyone in the hospital creepy attitude instead of his charming Hot British Doctor charm. Wren did something wrong.
Empty Classroom Encounter #9,832.457: Aria’s Mother calls Hanna in, asking why PornStarMom hasn’t been in touch. Well, Aria’s Mother, it looks like PornStarMom has been avoiding your calls because she’s been trapped in a Canal Street vendor’s secret illegal back room of fake purses for the past eight hours and doesn’t have any cell service. It seems an $8,000 bell was stolen from the church, and naturally all eyes are looking at our favorite Uncle Father. Hanna pees her pants.
Uncle Father buys a beautiful gold angel necklace for Hanna, and Uncle Father also hates cellphones/instantly makes it impossible for Hanna to relate to his lifestyle. Spencer throws a blouse on the ground, which is basically like burning a flag or throwing a Bible in the World of Spencer. Mariska Hargitay experiences a flashback where Alison returned from her late-night slumber party “break” with a bloody mouth. I don’t condone violence, but I would probably scratch the corner of Alison’s mouth if I saw her in a backyard in the middle of the night. Alison was rude to Hanna about her weight, and therefore is my enemy. Alison cries in Mariska’s arms before pretending she’s just being weird. Alison has schizophrenia.
Hanna, Emily, and Aria decide to deck themselves out in some classic candy striper outfits (I used to think candy stripers were something really dirty, kid you not) to sneak into a morgue. I think visiting the morgue as a candy striper can still get you fired from the whole candy striper thing, but the girls are pros at this venue. I’m getting all sorts of wonky Buffy/Pushing Daisies/The OC flashbacks for some odd reason; I’m not complaining.
Hanna wonders what one would do with a stolen bell. Aria proposes that you would melt the bell down first – smart girl. Hanna says, “I smell dead people.” Hanna compares bodies to “stale loaves of bread.” Hanna wonders why we work so hard on crunches, tan lines, and not eating that second pudding. Hanna wins. Emily gets annoyed. Aria spots Red Coat/Taylor Swift in one of those curvy around-the-corner hospital mirrors, but Red Coat disappears into an elevator. Emily finds the body bag, and the corpse definitely isn’t Toby. HOWEVER, the corpse is wearing that creepy plaster Alison Halloween mask, which no one seems to find terribly suspicious. That mask makes me nauseous. My grandparents used to have a werewolf mask in the basement that made my little brother cry; PLL should borrow that exact mask and borrow that exact basement because both things are definitely maximum creepy and legitimate haunted.
WREN AND MONA AND EDDIE AND I’m so over Radley. Like, let’s shut the f**k up and get out of here already. Eddie and Wren are enemies, because it seems Wren was the one helping Mona with the illegal passes. Spencer is hiding her pills in a little baggie under her pillow, because she is the smartest insane girl on the block. Back at school, Hanna is being quiet and Caleb is starting to notice; “Hanna, you have an opinion about everything – from Honey Boo Boo’s haircut to the look the lunch lady gave you when you asked for butter on your corn.” First off, Honey Boo Boo’s haircut is fabulous. Secondly, nothing is weird about a little butter on corn. Caleb looks so handsome and I missed him so much and I’m in love with him. Hanna finally explains the Uncle Father $5 bill debacle. Caleb is not pleased.
Remember when I referenced Malcolm dying? Well, I was basically correct. A picked up Malcolm from karate class and brought him to the horrifying kids carnival in Rosewood, some kind of puppet circus for children that finds creepy harlequins in a children’s puppet rendition of Faust appropriate. ROSEWOOD IS FULL OF NUTJOBS. Aria’s Mom does way too much talking because Aria is just trying to find Malcolm and Malcolm is probably already dead and Black Glove is touching Malcolm’s hair and Malcolm is actually just eating ice cream alone in the puppet tent waiting for the late show to start. Malcolm should learn never to leave with strangers: “But your friend picked me up instead. She said he name was Alison.” Over this. Fake Alison is going to steal Malcolm forever. Goodbye, little boy.
I love Caleb. I love Caleb so much. HALEB FOREVER. Tyler Blackburn does a great job with his material during the big confrontation with Uncle Father, which turns into a giant meltdown about Caleb’s spending his formative years in foster homes. Caleb gets really worked up. Uncle Father excuses himself. And Hanna hopes she is doing the right thing. Naturally, no one is ever doing the right thing in Rosewood, but Hanna will find out all the details soon enough. Soon enough – that night, Hanna gets a text from A as the new church bell rings: “Hear that? It’s the sound of your big mistake.” BabeCity Caleb tries to patch things up with Uncle Father; Hanna feels really awful, but there’s really nothing to do when our cyberbully strikes. I honestly think everyone in Rosewood should just move to the west coast and ride ponies.
Spencer might actually be crazy in following Mona’s board game clues, which somehow lead Spencer to a B-horror genre dreamscape involving barefoot hallway pattering, a flowing white dress, creepy breeze, and Spencer’s untamed hair. Also, Ghost Alison shows up and tries to dance with Spencer. Spencer isn’t the lesbian in the foursome, Ali; let’s get back up to our A-game, shall we? Ali says that her bloody mouth came from a girl – probably Melissa, accidentally stabbing Ali in the side of the face while attempting to cut her own nasty hair. Spencer snaps out of it, and finds a visitor pass for… CECE DRAKE. Certified by Wren. Wren forged the pass so CeCe could give advice to Mona – Ali got CeCe kicked out of college, and CeCe wanted to help Mona move on as a role model. CeCe go the Mona-Radley information from Melissa. Everything leads back to Melissa. I hope Melissa dies in the new bell tower; I would laugh nonstop for the rest of my life.
Aria decides to break things off with Ezra because she needs to secretly protect Malcolm from A; finally, the characters in this subplot are feeling as sad and dejected as I feel while watching said subplot. That said, great scene for Lucy Hale – the cast is really on top of craft tonight, which weirdly makes me feel like a proud father. I may or may not be crying Dad Tears at the moment. Look away.
Emily’s Mom has some secret police information from her “top secret” job – the police found a second body in the woods, fitting Toby’s description and with Spencer’s purse found nearby. Still, there was significant trauma to the body so a full answer won’t come till the morning. While Emily was supposed to keep this information on the DL, she instead sprints over to tell the other two girls. Everyone is wigging out and I can just tell Hanna wants to order a pizza.
Now. Weirdest twist of the night. SPENCER IS HELPING MONA. WTF. FAUST. More details – Spencer checks out the pills under her bed to count all of her day-glo pills, and then decides to pull out a Black Hoodie from her pillowcase. I wonder if Team A got all of their gear from the mental institution… ? We hear a slight voiceover, where Spencer is basically agreeing to join in with Mona. Now. Spencer clearly has a secret agenda, because placing Spencer on Team A would make all of season three seem like a giant joke, a.k.a. it would make Spencer into a horrifying mastermind of pure evil. I would say I am 100 percent certain Spencer is playing the A system, but I know now to never make bets when it comes to PLL. Spencer had two tickets to Faust at the kiddie circus from Satan, so I’m guessing she took Malcolm to the show? This is all a little confusing and honestly somewhat poorly executed, but I was screaming just enough to the point where nothing else in the world mattered for a solid three minutes. In short, we all win here.
We get a glimpse of this other body from the woods before the credits roll. It’s not Toby – that hip tattoo is rubbing off, which means someone was painted up to look like Toby. I think the tattoo was rubbing off… ? I can never trust myself with this show. I am always terrified of being locked up in Radley or dreaming about Alison and thinking she visited my apartment or having my lesbian friend’s mother spray air freshener in my hair or forgetting where I put the bell I stole from the local church. It’s possible that Spencer was saving all of those pills for the midnight premiere of Spring Breakers, right? THE FINALE IS NEXT WEEK OMG LOL ALREADY CRYING. Text you later.
[Image Credit: Adam Taylor/ABC; ABC]