Hello, boys and girls, and welcome to the Real Housewives Institute. I’ll be your guide, Sir Eleanor Hertzenkrantz. Sorry about the delay on today’s tour, but Sir Hertzenkrantz was a little bit busy writing about some other things and it took him a little while to get to this here new episode of the Real Canopy Crashers of Sand Dune Island and, due to the late hour, we are going to have to have an abbreviated tour of this here episode. Instead of the usual treatment, let us look at the things I loved and hated about this episode. Because we all love to get our hate on, let’s second that emotion and start with it first.
Things I Hated
The Fight: The centerpiece of this whole episode was the fight between Kernya Moo-ah, a cankle in a sundress, and Portia Williams-Stewart, the heiress to the Carvell fortune. As far as centerpieces go, it was like the one at a tacky wedding in Long Island: trashy, entirely expected, and tying to hide being trite behind being baroque. Yes, this fight was baroque. And Bah-roke. It was all sorts of pronunciation puns that we can’t really do in print but we’re going to try for anyway. The best sort of Housewives fights come from some place of truth. They come from some sort of internal darkness that can’t be contained any longer and rise to the surface like a combination of a volcano and a black hole, throwing your body away from it with the concussive force of it’s realization and drawing you in with its vacuity. This was not one of those fights. This was just bitches screaming at each other.
First of all, they shouldn’t have been rehashing old news while sitting around drinking. Yes, NeNe instigated it by asking Portia why they got off on the wrong foot, but she walked right into a trap and that trap was Kernya Moo-ah’s insane brain. Rather than gnaw her own foot off and get out Portia tried to fight back and pull at the trap, and it didn’t work. She just got sucked in further. Basically the fight boiled down to this: Kernya called Portia irrelevant and and Portia called Kernya old, mean, awful, and ghetto. They are both all of those things, so it doesn’t matter who is right. They’re both right, everyone wins. Then they just tried to be louder and say the same things over and over again until Kernya tried to deck Portia and NeNe tried to subdue her and it ended up looking like some sort of drunk tango with an epileptic. Oh, what a sad awful fight.
The best part though was when Kernya started to do twirls in her dress and say she was Gone with the Wind fabulous? Which part of Gone with the Wind? The beggining before the war where the women are wearing their corsets and about to pass out or after the war when they’re hauling around donkey carts and stepping over dead bodies and dressing in the drapes? None of that sounds very fabulous. In fact, it all sounds very awful. Maybe you need to get some new references, Kernya.
Massages Next to Each Other: The women go for a day of pampering at a hotel spa and they set them all up on massage tables out in public by the pool and next to each other. OK, now I’m a social guy. I like to do everything in group. I like to exercise in group and eat in a group and have sex in a group. But a massage? I need to be alone. In a room. Naked. With only one other person. I do not want talking. I do not want gossiping. I do not even want Real Housewives. I want (preferably a muscular, half-naked male) attendant and me and a door that locks. Maybe some New Age music. Maybe. What I certainly do not want is to be in public with other people. That is gross and horrible. Phaedra did call it a Donkey Expo though, which was funny.
Vow Renewals: These are totally stupid. Yes, Peter had a Cynthia had a good reason to have one, considering how insane their real wedding was and being out on the beach was really nice and all, but vow renewals are stupid. More often than not, it’s just a reason for married people to plan a party and have something to talk about. Know what happens when you need to do that? You have a kid. You don’t plan another wedding. I think, from now on, we should call vow renewals “I Do Do” because you’re saying “I Do” twice and the couple is basically shitting all over themselves with their love. It’s gross. Knowing I have to watch a vow renewal gives me the same feeling I get when I know I’m about to diarrhea in my pants. Thankfully, vow renewals happen way more often, but they shouldn’t. We might not be able to stop runny shits, but we can stop vow renewals. Only you can help prevent forest fires. And I Do Do. Don’t I Do Do. Don’t even Do once.
Things I Loved
The Prime Minister: The only good thing about the vow renewal was that everyone told Cynthia that she was going to a party for the Prime Minister of Anguilla, but when she shows up and it’s her vow renewal, she doesn’t believe it and just keeps saying, “But what about the Prime Minister? Is he not here? Do I get to meet him? I thought I was going to be named the Secretary of Education of Models and I could open the Bailey Agency and Modeling School for Fashion and Modeling. And I wore this hat. I wore this special hat just for the Prime Minister. Can you give me a medal Peter? I thought I was getting a medal? So, wait, this vow thing is cool, but can the Prime Minister come? I want him to be here.” It was cute. But then Peter and Cynthia kissed and they like mashed their tongues together and caressed in gross congress of flesh and I wanted to shoot myself in the head. Don’t I Do Do. Don’t ever.
Kandi and Todd: Kandi has always been one of my favorite Real Housewives because she is nice and normal and doesn’t want any scrubs, which is a guy who can get no love from me (hangin’ out the passenger side of his best friend’s ride, trying to holler at me). And now she has a man who is just as nice and normal and hot and fun and just, well, he’s just totally dreamy. What are you two doing in this nightmare? What are you doing in this screaming, scrawling, Kruegarian dreamscape of awfulness. Run while you still can. Just get out.
NeNe calling out Kenya: Because, well, her relationship with Walter is totally fake. Even he said so.
Kernya and Walt’s Lantern Crashing: Everyone lights wish lanterns and sets them off into the sky, but not our Kernya Moo-ah. No, hers does not go off into the night. Her wish of fame and fortune, of a husband and lots of babies, of clear skin and an endorsement deal for Proactiv, does not go off into the night, rising and rising with the burning of fire as it floats, glowing over the ocean before slowly billowing down into the water, landing with a hiss and then sinking to the ocean floor. No, this will never happen to her wishes and dreams. It just crashes. It just dives into the beach and never goes anywhere. Kernya Moo-ahs heart was extinguished.
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[Photo Credit: Bravo]