Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys guys. Escaped mental patient Kernya Moo-ah has a single. Yes, just to prove that she is, in fact, a Real Baby Eater of Dingo Canyon Kernya has released a single. Next up is her fashion line and then maybe some sort of alcoholic beverage, like a wine, say. That is because Kernya Moo-ah is full of smart and original ideas. But now that I’ve heard the song, which debuted last night on Andy Cohen’s Half Hour Make Me Famous Hour, it’s all that I can think about. It is amazing. It is below. You need to watch it because, honestly, it’s all I want to talk about.
OK, Kernya Moo-ah’s single is cookie cutter Housewives Music 101. It takes her catch phrase, some drama from the show, a dance beat, and some talk singing and makes it into a jam. However, it is never going to be successful. The only one that ever really made it to the dance floor was Kim Zolciak’s “Don’t be Tardy for the Party,” which A) is a total jam B) does not adhere to that formula and C) is still the first and the best. When Kim put it out, having a Housewives single was new and original and it was funny so we all sort of ironically sung along and danced to the beat. Then that beat got stuck in our heads and then we remixed it and then we played it at our birthday party and all the ladies and homosexuals sang along while the straight boys were like “What the hell is this bitch singing about a party for?” This has more to do with Kandi Burress, who was making hit songs when most Real Housewives were figuring out how to buy wine that doesn’t have a screw-off cap.
Everyone else who has tried to bite off a piece of Kim’s magic has failed miserably with this “songs about the show” strategy. The Countess came close with “Money Can’t Buy You Class,” another actual jam written by Hitz St. Cloud (RIP) which came when the phenomenon was still in its infancy. But now, ugh, now the singles never do well. Graveyards are littered with the musical attempts by Housewives. I mean Melissa Gorga’s “On Display” is way better than Danielle Staub’s “Close to You,” Gretchen Rossi’s “Unbreakable,” or, the nadir of this craze, Simon Van Kempen’s “I Am Real,” but they’re all turkeys. They’re all just excuses for these people to aurally humiliate themselves.
Speaking of which, Kernya’s is super embarrassing. The beat is a standard synthesizer blast that you could probably make on any Casio that your mother bought for you at a yard sale. But the lyrics. It’s the lyrics we need to talk about. They are less erudite than the lyrics of Right Said Fred’s masterpiece “I’m Too Sexy,” which just chose a bunch of objects and then declared the singer too sexy for them. Here Kernya repeats something someone said about her and then says that it is not true, that she is fabulous. This song should have been called “I’m Rubber You’re Glue.” Then she repeats that she is “Gone with the Wind Fabulous” which is, of course, her catchphrase. Again she has never quite explained what this means and doesn’t in the song, either. I don’t think there is much ‘fabulous’ in Gone with the Wind. Either she means the beginning part at Tara, where the O’Hara’s opulence was bought on the backs of slaves, or the second part where there are just corpses scattered around the streets of Georgia and most of the state has been burned to the ground. That is like having a song called “Apartheid Fabulous” or “Holocaust Survivor Fabulous” or “The Refugee Camp Boogie.” It doesn’t make any sense.
Then, the final round of this little ditty consists of Kernya saying, “Now Twirl. Now Twirl. Now Twirl,” over and over again until we’re all dizzy and just want to sit down on a stool for a moment and get our head together. That is the song. It just repeats like that three times in a row and then it is over. It is simple. I don’t mean that in a good way, like unadorned and perfect. I mean it in the way like your grandmother would call your stupid uncle who was never the same after he ate those three boxes of chocolate flavored Ex-Lax when he was a kid and had to have his stomach pumped. Watch this 10 billion times.
As for the episode, well, it was boring. Kandi did some boring shit with her man’s birthday. NeNe took Kernya’s ugly furniture (it was baroque in a way that I can’t quite describe that is specific to Real Housewives, especially the New Jersey strain) and her awful statue lamps that she bought at one of those stores in Times Square that has been GOING OUT OF BUSINESS for about seven years. That’s too much like moving though so I’m ignoring it.
The only awesome thing that happened was Phaedra and Kernya fighting about the Donkey Booty Video. Now it might be because Phaedra Parks is amazing and was wearing one killer outfit after another last night (That black dress! That shirt with the giant bow!) and because her hair looked like a black lady version of Veronica Lake, but I’m on her side on this one. Kernya, as a producer, should know that Phaedra can pay her money to have her film the video and then Phaedra can work the rest out. Just because you film it does not mean you should own the property. Pheadra and Apollo had the idea, came up with the name, the routine — just about everything. Pheadra should get a set, some models, a camera, film it, edit it, and deliver a product. The fry cooks at McDonalds don’t get a part of the proceeds because they served up a completed hamburger. No one should work for free, including Kernya Moo-ah, but I don’t think her insistence on getting 10% of the project for life is fair.
However, I did live for when she and Cynthia Bailey made up at the Cynthia Bailey Modeling Agency School for Fashion and Auto Body Repair Shop. But I say she’s crazy and she’s fabulous. I say she’s nuts and she’s fabulous. I say she’s stupid and she’s fabulous. Gone with the Wind Fabulous. Casablanca Fabulous. Citizen Kane Fabulous. Now Twirl. Now Twirl. Now Twirl. Now Twirl. Oooh girl, I think I just tripped on my own ankle.
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
[Photo Credit: Bravo]