Like any good trip, last night’s episode of Real Coochie Cutters of Crab Shack Beach had both a departure and an arrival, but everything was a bit jumbled all around. The departure was Kim Zolciak, who said, “Screw you guys, I’m taking my toys and I’m going home,” and she picked up a big pile of wigs from the brunch table, licked a little bit of cream cheese out of one of them, drained her Virgin Mimosa (which is what Real Housewives call orange juice), and then stormed out, slapping the cameraman as she went. Bye Kim. A whole cavalcade of byes.
But no, that is not what we’re here to talk about. We talked about Kim last week. We’re already done with her. Bon Voya-gee, Kim! No, we are here to talk about Anguilla, which is where all the ladies and their men are going for a vacation. Kernya Moo-ah managed to invite herself at the Planning Brunch and, even though she is a relative stranger, Portia managed to wrangle herself an invitation from Cynthia and Peter at dinner – mostly because Peter wants to hang out with Portia’s husband Carvell, a Cookie Puss who used to play quarterback for the Ice Cream State Sprinkles. Carvell does not want to go because why would you go spend a week trapped on an island with a bunch of strangers? That doesn’t sound like vacation, that sounds like the start of a horror movie.
Everyone shows up at the airport and then, well, Kernya Moo-ah happens. Basically this whole episode was about her. We could talk about other things, like Phaedra’s honey pot not getting into a hot tub or NeNe and Gregg’s reconciliation or Cynthia Bailey’s hair, but none of that really matters. (Wait, I do want to talk about Cynthia Bailey’s hair. Last night it finally dawned on me: Cynthia Bailey has amazing hair. We always talk about Kim’s wigs and everyone’s weaves, but I think it’s Cynthia who really takes the topknot trophy. Her hair is a wonderful and Protean thing, it’s as if it changes with her mood. One day it is long and straight, the next it is a short bob. Sometimes an afro or curly Diana Ross or dreads or side dreads or complicated pony tails or short and natural Marla Gibbs style. It is everything. Cynthia’s hair is everything and it is surprising and, every damn time you see it, it looks absolutely flawless. Why isn’t Cynthia’s hairdresser on this damn show? Who is her Lawrence? Who is her Derek J? Who is the person that is responsible for the managerie of hair [hair-agerie?] that belongs to Cynthia Bailey. We know it’s not bald Peter, but even he manages to have the sexiest white beard I’ve seen this side of a grizzled pirate. Who are these blessed people? Who are these hair stars?)
Sorry, back to Kernya, because she dominated like a thunderclap dominates the night sky. It has been well documented that Kernya is possessed by the devil. Well, not the devil, necessarily, but a Speed Demon. It lives inside of her and makes her do evil things. Yes, whenever Kernya is in any kind of conveyance, she absolutely loses her mind. We saw it last week when the Speed Demon got in a Go-Kart and said, “Rev! Rev! Rev!” and made Kernya make insane faces. This week it was on a boat. Kernya just can’t sit there and be driven somewhere, she has to take the controls. The Speed Demon makes her do it. Kernya runs up to the little control panel and pushes the skipper away. “Rev! Rev! Rev!” she screams as she gets her hands on the steering wheel. The throttle is right next to the wheel and she slides it a bit forward with a maniacal laugh. All the ladies in the back titter nervously as the boat lurches forward and the wind starts. They hold on to their hats. But it is not fast enough. No, it is never fast enough for the Speed Demon. It is never ever fast enough. “Rev! Rev! Rev!” the Speed Demon yells and pushes the clutch and the boat lurches forward again, its hull skipping off the water as it skids through the wake of other boats. All the women in back have toppled onto each other and are shrieking. Cynthia is trying, in vain, to keep her hat on her head and her boobs in her dress and she’s just flailing about like a turd being flushed in an airplane bathroom. But it doesn’t stop the Speed Demon. No, the spray sticks to its arms and it bulges Kernya’s eyes out and pants, “Ha Ha Ha Ha,” as it shakes its head back and forth with its tongue hanging out and then throws its hands in the air. “Look! No hands! Rev! Rev!”
Finally the skipper exorcises control from the Speed Demon and brings the boat into dock. Now it is time for Kernya’s next meltdown. This time, it is over room selection. Kernya, who invited herself on this trip, told everyone on the van ride over to the Chateau Moremounts that she wants to be in one of the suites. Excuse me? Just because you are Miss USA and older than everyone else and wear too much foundation does not mean that you get first choice of the rooms. You have the least amount of seniority on this trip, so you take what you get and you shut up. But no, Kernya was told she would have a “suite” but she has a sweet, which is like a suite, but not as good. It is a room with a bed and a bathroom with a shower and a toilet and a balcony where she and Walter can stand in the moist night air and look out onto a ocean that is so blue that even blue Gatorade doesn’t look shiny or blue next to it. But no, it does not have a tub. It does not have a closet for the toilet. It does not have another room. It does not have a walk-in closet. It does not have 24/7 concierge service and its own private butler. It does not have a secret entrance so she can skitter out into the night and have dalliances with the household staff. It does not have a China cabinet. Kernya Moo-ah collapses on the bed and cries into a pillow. Walt asks her if she has taken her medicine.
The craziest thing about Kernya Moo-ah is that, before even taking off, she is talking about how she is going to get engaged on this trip. Kernya wants to get married real bad and it’s an awful thing. It’s like when you go into your favorite store and you know you’re going to buy a pair of shoes that you’ve had your eye on for a long time, but then the salesperson keeps talking to you and telling you about the shoes and offering you advice you don’t want and you end up leaving because it’s just too much damn pressure. You don’t want to give this clown the approval of a commission. His wanting it to happen so badly is keeping it from happening. Kernya, like the shoe seller, is dizzy with effort.
But then, right in front of Walt, she is rubbing herself all over other men. Phaedra’s husband Apollo comes out when everyone is sitting down to dinner and he is wearing his swim trunks. Now, if you’re Apollo, this makes total sense. He’s an ex-con and stay-at-home dad whose wife is a famous reality star and attorney. He doesn’t have anything that’s his own. He doesn’t have any reason for people to pay attention to him. Well, except his body. Apollo has the body of, well, a Greek god. He is all muscle and crevice and bulge and sinew. He looks amazing in a pair of trunks. He will be showing off his body until the plane trip home. He’s not even going to put on a tank top until they’re through security at the Anguila airport. That is just how Apollo is going to roll. So, it’s not like he’s trying to get women to hit on him, he just wants eyes on him for a change.
He gets more than eyes from Kernya. She is all ooohing and aaaaahing and hooting and hollering like she is a construction worker and Lady Godiva just drove by throwing tits and chocolates at everyone. The she pushes him in the pool. In retaliation, he gets out, throws her over his shoulder like a sexy caveman, does a pose like they are on a photo shoot for the cover of a romance novel, and then jumps in the pool with her on his back. The water level in the pool rose up three inches as soon as Kernya got in, she was so turned on. Walt is just bobbing up and down passively on a raft just watching the whole thing and thinking, “I’m just lucky to have her. I can’t stop her from doing what she’s doing. She’ll move on eventually.”
Maybe that is why Walt isn’t proposing. The next day on the beach she is bothering Walt again about her engagement ring. She wants him to marry her right there on the spot. This is the full courtship press. Maybe if Walter didn’t feel so bad about himself and Kernya seemed a little more interested, he would propose. As it stands now, she seems like she has her shoes on, her purse in hand, and waiting for the next hard body to come waltzing by for her to run out the door. Who wants to marry that? No one, Kernya. No one wants to marry that.
Later that afternoon, Kandi and her man Todd go to a bar called On Da Rocks and the waitress ambles over and says, “I’d like to tell you about our drink specials. We have a Fucked Sideways, a Fucked From Behind, a Royally Fucked, a Let’s Get Fucked, a Sex on the Beach, a Slippery Nipple, a Blow Job, a Ball Buster, a Fuck, a Cleveland Steamer, a Shocker, a Vagina Dentata, a Foreskin Slammer, a Labia Liquor, a I’m Coming I’m Coming Don’t Stop I’m Coming, and a margarita.” Then Kenya popped up and said, “This is my new favorite bar. I just bought the place. Walt is gonna marry me here!”
Later, there’s a party at the Chateau Moremonts (the minister of tourism brought a bunch of girls from a pole dancing school whose headquarters is in downtown Anguilla) and Kernya starts macking on some other guy. She’s just up in his face, “Damn, you are a tall glass of water. I would like to rub myself all up on you. Are you married?” He says yes, and she says, “Oh, that doesn’t really matter. I just want to look at you. Damn, you foine! Are you Asian?” “I’m Filipino.” “Yeah, I would like to fill your pino. Hahahahaha. Right? No, I’m not trying to have sex with you. But black people and Filipino’s have beautiful babies. Give me your sperm. Hahahahahaha. Not like that. But like that. Hahahahahaha.” That is what Kernya Moore says and you can tell he is very uncomfortable, but she just doesn’t stop. She just keeps on going. The Speed Demon is making her one very fast girl.
And then she starts in on Apollo again. She asks Pheadra, “If you had to give Apollo a birthday present with two of your friends, who would it be?” No one knows what she is talking about, but clearly Kernya wants Phaedra to say, “Oh, you can totally sleep with my man on his birthday.” But Miss Pheadra Parks, JD, does not play like that. She won’t even answer. “Oh, it’s fun!” Kernya says. “No, talking about other skanks on my man is not fun, now if you will please get your hands off of him and move along.” Oh, it is on with Phaedra. You do not want to mess with her, especially when she is trying to ward you off by putting on a thong, letting her whole ass hang out, and covering it up with fishnets. This remindS Apollo of the one thing Kernya Moo-ah will never have: a brain in her head. What did you think I was going to say?
But then, across the lanai, a shape moves alone into the darkness. It goes behind the house on one of the flag stone paths and he feels the night air, sticky and oppressive, curdling around him. It’s Walt and he just wants to be away for a minute, away from Kernya and her bleating laugh, away from her heavy scent, odoring up the evening with her pheromones, away from her wandering eye and wandering hands. He just can’t stand it, being the one and being the one who isn’t. He doesn’t know if he’s coming or going with her and he’s rarely coming. She’s always going for someone else, as soon as an attractive eligible guy with a glitzy job is around he just fades into the background. He’s just a nice, moderately handsome, sweet guy with a lucrative career in a very boring industry. He could have so many women, why does he want this one? Why is he swinging over his head? Should he marry her and let it end badly? Should he give her what she wants or should he do what he knows is right? Should he wait and wait and wait for the inevitable when she leaves him for someone else and his heart won’t be broken that bad and his money will still be all tucked away where it belongs. He doesn’t know. He still can’t decide. But he pulls a velvet box out of his pocket and spins it between his fingers. Should I? Should I? He wonders? Maybe? Then he hears Kernya laugh and say, “Oh stop,” from across the pool as he looks over and the waves of light from the water bounce off the house. No, not now. He’s afraid he’ll be saying it forever. Not now.
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
[Photo Credit: Bravo]